New Year, new thinking..

[Coly23]

Previous Thread:

Journey to Acceptance


I just wanted to wish all my DB friends a happy and peaceful 2018!

I am currently sporting a massive hangover after hosting a NY party for friends and family! Nothing from H but he did text D a happy NY. Oh well, I hope he had a nice time wherever he was. I did have to stop myself from sending him a text though! I was not sure if I should but I thought this morning that I’m not a horrible, spiteful person and he is still my husband so I did send him a Happy New Year text in the end. It’s just so sad though.

I hope you all have a great day!

[job]

Coly,

You did what you thought was right and that is all that matters. At least he knows that you still care and wanted to wish him a "Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to you and your family!

[bttrfly]

Happy new year Coly xoxoxo

[Coly23]

Thanks Job and bttrfly! He responded straight away and wished me every happiness in 2018. It’s just weird that he refuses to contact me first, but there you go!

Thanks also for linking my thread Job, I appreciate it! Xx

[Coly23]

Hi fellow DB'ers, I hope you are having a good weekend!

I just wanted to journal a bit here just to make sure I am doing the right thing.

Whilst taking all the Christmas decorations down I also started packing a few of H's bits and pieces for him to collect. He couldn't collect last week during the week and didn't suggest the weekend but has just texted me to say he can come over tomorrow when I am at work. I asked him if he could also help me to sort the garage and loft and he agreed. I know this is the right thing to do but I'm here again in tears because it hurts so much to talk about dismantling our lives in such an agreeable way. He was very pleasant, asking me if I had a good week and wishing me a good first good day back at work etc. I just kept it to business and didn't respond to his niceties. It all seemed so false and unnecessary. Maybe it's his way of dealing with it, I don't really know.

It feels wrong that I am the one who is constantly asking him to come over and pick his stuff up, like I'm the one pushing for this to be over. D said he doesn't care about what he has left behind because he doesn't need to deal with it whilst he has free storage. I guess this will force him to face up to what he has to deal with and also see his connection with the house getting less and less.

Does it get any better? I know at some point it may need to get worse before it gets better. It will be two years in May this year since we separated. He can now ask for a divorce based on irreconcilable differences. I'm dreading it. It feels like I constantly have the sword if Damocles hanging over me.

Anyway, thanks for racing my ramblings! Hapoy Sunday everyone! Xx

[peacetoday]

Hang in there Coly
It does get better

for each of us I think the situation and timelines May be a bit different
but every situation does have an ending and sometimes the ending changes many times
Just continue to take care of yourself
and do what feels right in the moment

as for now moving forward in your life seems appropriate unless sometimes changes
but I know it hurts and feeling the pain of it all also brings more healing

I know my XH didn't care about his stuff here
He took his motorcycle and some basic clothes
he took odds and ends of items but really nothing
He didn't care about about any of it

I think they are attached to the house and us- but the pull to leave is so strong that they have to go regardless of their fear and pain
I think most have to fully leave b4 they can figure out if it was right
stay strong

[job]

Coly,

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time w/your h and him packing and picking up his "stuff". I know just how you feel. It really does hurt, like pouring salt into an open wound, but it will get better in time.

Your h has left his "stuff" behind because he doesn't need it at this time or may not ever need it again because it is a reminder of his "old" life and as long as you don't care if it stays there...then he'll leave it there. His empathy chip is broken and doesn't realize how his "stuff" serves as a daily reminder that he's gone.

Your new chapter is beginning and as peace has pointed out, the ending can change many times before you can finish writing this new chapter. However, moving forward seems very appropriate at this time. You've found your footing and have begun to detach more and have done things a bit differently this holiday season.

Coly, shed those tears and know that those tears are helping to heal your wounds. It's okay and you and your daughter will be okay. His "stuff" is just that "stuff". Always remember, you had the best years of his life.

BTW, you have one intelligent daughter. Listen to her. She's not as close to the situation as you are and can see things that you can't see at the moment.

Sending you warm hugs.

[AndrewP]

My dear (((Coly))). I have no specific advice beyond what Job said. All I have is understanding and a hug.

[OwnIt]

Coly, I promise the stuff is just stuff. I saw the end and doom and gloom too. He still has stuff here. I was the one who ended up pushing most of it out the door. It really doesn't mean anything. Try not to give it any import.

It will be nice for you not to see it all the time and have the memories that come with it. Focus on the good memories, the happy ones. Focus on Coly and D what awesome things they are going to accomplish this year. Keep working on that detachment. When it comes, you will take the first breath you've taken in a long time and it will be lovely.

[Gordie]

Agree with ownit. It’s just stuff. It’s been 2 years and if he wanted it he’d have asked by now. I think people relate to stuff differently. I liked another poster’s suggestion who said he gave his XW a date and time to come get her stuff and whatever she left behind he was free to trash. You have enough work of your own...why should you be packing his stuff too?