W: "I think about u alot but my #1 emotion i feel is hurt. I dont think I can continue this. Btw Xmas and the days following, not saying anything, not saying anything on NYE Day (dads anniver). Its just building on top of this hurt I already feel."
I can see this is an emotional reaction on her part, looking for a shoulder to lean on; possibly guilt tripping me and temp checking me.
Can someone help provide (in my sitch) when and when not to validate? This text alone in a vacuum would be a great validation situation. However, bc I am rolling NC/Dark, and set boundaries basically (I will not engage in this R until I have this, that, and the other); do I need to ignore this?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
However, bc I am rolling NC/Dark, and set boundaries basically (I will not engage in this R until I have this, that, and the other); do I need to ignore this?
You just said you are in NC, so why ask about replying every time she sends a text? NC is no contact.......period.
Do not start worrying about validating. You are having trouble with just NC, so don't start with that stuff. Like I previously said, it's as if you are seeking an excuse to text her. Nothing like using validation as a good excuse, right? No!
Yes, she is playing the guilt card, which is manipulation. I'm beginning to think that's all she knows. She is having a big pity party. But she brought this on herself. Don't you see how she makes it all about her and her feelings? If she refers to you, it is to guilt you. Just consider it for what it is...........another temp check.
When she stops the temp testing and guilting, and actually apologizes for the incredible pain she has caused you........and starts asking how you are doing, instead of focused on herself, then perhaps you can risk a response. But so far, that hasn't happened.
She is going to turn up the heat, so get ready.
Do not respond!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Completely agree; I more wanted to see if my thought process was in the right place. The whole text is self centered about her. Not once has she asked or cared for what "I" am doing/feeling.
She started a EA, separated from me, came back, continued EA, moved out, had PA, expressed wanting a D...
And she is telling me I am hurting her. Bizarre-o World.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Not once has she asked or cared for what "I" am doing/feeling.
She started a EA, separated from me, came back, continued EA, moved out, had PA, expressed wanting a D...
And she is telling me I am hurting her. Bizarre-o World.
Exactly! I am so relieved you are beginning to see this... You are doing well, Chris... It takes many LBHs a long time to get this... To see the selfish manipulation... She cheated. She's not sorry... In her bizarro world, you should be apologizing to her... And because of that conditioning, many LBHs actually do beg for forgiveness!
Nota bene: my H had just about zero to do with me for a long time before I came to him and truly asked for forgiveness and reconciliation...
"how am I supposed to reach out to u when you f'ed me over from the beginning...hard to work on anything when someone is between us (OM) getting all your attention. How am I to get over that especially when you were prob with OM on NYE anyways. You are expressing your hurt to me, but never once have you asked if I was hurt, or even cared. Hard for me to feel bad for you or want to put in more effort when I feel my needs have never been considered.
This would lead to a fight...I just wanted to express myself to the board....I wrote it, now I will throw it away.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
There is a time and place for truth darts, but I am not experienced with this in regards to a marriage on the rocks...
I think if you told her about your hurt, she would take it and make into something you both are experiencing... She would not respect your feelings... She would say something like, "we both are hurting..." Which she has done before...
You have both been conditioned to behave the way you do with each other... She is so used to caving... I notice she has yet to file... She has yet to print out the papers and present them to you...
