Yah, I feel that urge, too. W commented today my desire to set up the apartment was me needing to feel some control in the situation, but that we should ser it ip together.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Yah, I feel that urge, too. W commented today my desire to set up the apartment was me needing to feel some control in the situation, but that we should ser it ip together.
Well at least she wants to do something with you. Mine just wants to lomit our communication to bare minimum.
Today she told me.last minute that she arranged a babysitter after the time we agreed I will stay home with kids. Like if I could not stay couple of hours longer. She difinitely meets up with OM and did not want me to be around when she returns.
I feel the urge to confront it with her. At least if I know for sure she is dating it might be easier for me to let her go.
I feel the urge to confront it with her. At least if I know for sure she is dating it might be easier for me to let her go.
If she chooses to lie, then you still won't know. Even if she admits OM, it probably won't make it easier to let her go. Many H's have said an affair would be a deal breaker, only to discover it wasn't.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hope you'll read the following carefully. It is a shorter version of DB detaching.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures. _________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sindi you are so right. Yesterday I broke and went full ahrad with begging. I lrobably couldnhave broke her with that at the very beginning, now not. She was firm. At the end of the day, when everything calmed down and I accepted (internally) that I have no hope, we talked a bit. She said she is not dating, but plans to do so. We also talked kods and I decided that I will probably try to move to other county. Funnily she kinda is affraid of it. But I feel I cannot be a full man here, where everything is a reminder of her.
Sindi you are so right. Yesterday I broke and went full ahrad with begging. I lrobably couldnhave broke her with that at the very beginning, now not. She was firm. At the end of the day, when everything calmed down and I accepted (internally) that I have no hope, we talked a bit. She said she is not dating, but plans to do so. We also talked kods and I decided that I will probably try to move to other county. Funnily she kinda is affraid of it. But I feel I cannot be a full man here, where everything is a reminder of her.
Why are you trying to get a quick resolution on this?
Numerous posters have advised you not to pursue or pressure and to let things play out.
Out of curiosity did the begging fix anything?
It generally only makes things worse. i.e. Your actions are pushing you towards an outcome you dont want.
People are offering you advise - does not make sense to come here and then carry on doing what you feel like.
You need to stop and take a deep breath and start this process again. It will take MONTHS/YEARS not days/weeks - they are trying to help you to not make these mistakes.
Why are you trying to get a quick resolution on this?
Numerous posters have advised you not to pursue or pressure and to let things play out.
I guess I just needed to try.
Quote:
Out of curiosity did the begging fix anything?
For the situation - no, it was on the edge of making things worse. As I have said we have settled it with her. For me personally - yes. I have no illusion I can fix anything, at least in foreseeable future. I woke up without heart squeeze today.
Quote:
It generally only makes things worse. i.e. Your actions are pushing you towards an outcome you dont want.
People are offering you advise - does not make sense to come here and then carry on doing what you feel like.
You need to stop and take a deep breath and start this process again. It will take MONTHS/YEARS not days/weeks - they are trying to help you to not make these mistakes.
All is right what you said. It is just I, personally, needed to pass this breaking point.
Now I can leave the "dreams" of fixing something aside and move on with my new life, letting my wife go her path. Might be out paths cross again at some point, not for now though.
Why are you trying to get a quick resolution on this?
Numerous posters have advised you not to pursue or pressure and to let things play out.
I guess I just needed to try.
Quote:
Out of curiosity did the begging fix anything?
For the situation - no, it was on the edge of making things worse. As I have said we have settled it with her. For me personally - yes. I have no illusion I can fix anything, at least in foreseeable future. I woke up without heart squeeze today.
Quote:
It generally only makes things worse. i.e. Your actions are pushing you towards an outcome you dont want.
People are offering you advise - does not make sense to come here and then carry on doing what you feel like.
You need to stop and take a deep breath and start this process again. It will take MONTHS/YEARS not days/weeks - they are trying to help you to not make these mistakes.
All is right what you said. It is just I, personally, needed to pass this breaking point.
Now I can leave the "dreams" of fixing something aside and move on with my new life, letting my wife go her path. Might be out paths cross again at some point, not for now though.
You think that now.. But you WILL change your mind/feelings again at lest 100 times in this process.
It could be on Wednesday you wake up and want to call her again. It happens.
People will say "Im done, its 100% over" and then a week later they wake up and feel alone and reevaluate and want to contact the W again"
Hence the advise focus on you. That will never change. Its the only constant you have and you can control at the moment.
If you find yourself doing anything (that if your honest with yourself) is to get a reaction from her then stop.
If you find yourself doing anything (that if your honest with yourself) is to get a reaction from her then stop.
This is exactly what yesterdays evening helped me. I actually was implementing changes with with, with a back-thought of impressing her. I realize it is waste of time now.
If you find yourself doing anything (that if your honest with yourself) is to get a reaction from her then stop.
This is exactly what yesterdays evening helped me. I actually was implementing changes with with, with a back-thought of impressing her. I realize it is waste of time now.
No shame in that at all.
Just keep that thought in the back of your mind before not only 'doing' things, but also the things you 'say' also.
You will probably need to watch your behaviors and thoughts now more than at any point in your life. But as we all keep saying it takes time.
My W moved out and it lasted 8 months.
Did all of grovelling etc.. you have done, been called abusive, divorce papers were applied for etc...
We started sating again for 4 months and she moved back home in November and the relationship is 100% different but better.
Im not saying yours will end well... what im saying is it takes time and you will be up and down and spin around... but you will survive and be in a better place at the end. Just have some faith in yourself
