Wife wont admit to affair, its driving me nuts! 2

[Morbo]

Hope you had a good catch up chap!

Hey Surfer, had a good night although I had a bit of a wobbly when I saw a barmaid the image of my wife when she was younger, a cool, bohemian, sexy chick with bandana and beautiful eyes. A LOT different than my current corporate, cranky wife who hates me.

Anyway, got a little depressed for a while. I really miss a companion.
I really wanted to keep drinking and go to a club and probably do some dumb s**t, drive home drunk or bang a floozie, lol. My friends looked after me though, we got food and went home. Good decision, I dont need a DUI or worse.

Next day, I made a big set of goals after a long morning run.
Personal, my girls, health,career, summer holidays, savings etc.


I even read over the emails W had sent me earlier this week about me being despicable for telling my family about W. They didnt upset me half as much and she's just guilting me completely. I had a good read on emotional affairs and W ticks every box even if she thinks she doesnt. I dont regret anything I've done in the last month and I definitely feel more in control and happier.

Also, just read this absolute gem from Sandi that she posted recently. It is so on the money, it made me gasp and smile a few times. We're so lucky to have her on this board.
Its a bit long but TOTALLY worth the read.

Sandi wrote

" Now, you tell me what picture comes to mind when you think of how dumping her looks? If your only answer is getting a divorce, then you need to learn something about women.....especially a WW. Get your body out of that house and GAL like crazy. Give her no details. As long as someone can reach you in case of an emergency, that's all that is necessary. You don't discuss what, where, when or who with her. Understand? Mystery draws the WW and it helps distract her focus on other wayward issues. But it is not all for her, it's for you, most of all.

Listen closely. A WW thinks she no longer wants you for the man in her life. However, she doesn't want anyone else to have him. She does not want to be replaced by another woman in his life! Am I telling you to make her jealous by flirting or dating other women? No, I'm not. I'm telling you to GAL b/c that is the one thing that will bring back your old confidence and help you to think in a more balanced manner. It helps to distract your every thought on your WW. It also makes you much more of an interesting man! Not only in the eyes of others, or even in your own eyes.....but also the eyes of your WW. The fact that she may wonder what is distracting your time, interest and energy.....is just a plus benefit. Women are jealous of their man, and curious by nature. That's why so many questions. Your W won't tell you, but I will.
Naturally, her first thoughts will wonder if you've met some OW. Why wouldn't she think so, when her mind is on her own wayward sh't? Let her think whatever, you don't have time to discuss nonsense. You are having too good of a time, enjoying whatever the heck you want to do without having to consider her feelings. At least, that's the perception she'll have. Now, in your logical brain, this makes no sense.....right? Guess what? She's not logical. A WW has a jealous need for control, she doesn't want to give up. And I'll add another part to this mess.....which is the fact that you gave her that control. Therefore, she wants to tell you everything to do and not do .....even if she doesn't want you for a H. crazy Most wives want to know nearly every move you make and the surrounding details. That's what women do! But, add waywardness to her, and it increases a hundredfold.

Therefore, your plan of action needs to be an attitude and behavior that screams LRT. The last resort technique is not getting a divorce! You stop trying to please this woman. You stop working on the MR. Shocker, right? Well, just stop it. Why? B/c you act like a man without b@lls when you are bending over backwards trying to convince her your M is worth saving. What she needs to see is a man she is putting out on the market, and will be free for the taking. She needs to see a MAN worth saving. How many years has it been since she saw that young hotshot guy full of confidence? Yeah, that guy, that's who she wanted, remember? What happened? And, don't give me that "I got married", cr@p. You changed yourself! You buckled down to whatever she wanted, didn't you? You became a female version of your old self. You think the way to solve the problem is having more R talks with her. Straight women don't want a female spouse, they want a man who has b@lls. Oh sure, she'll act as if she doesn't like it when you show them.....but she loves b@lls. Why do you think she took yours and keeps them in her purse?

Now, you have got to find that manly man you use to be.......and you find him without her help or approval. Her approval doesn't matter to you finding your manhood again. You didn't need her to become that guy in the first place, so I'm sure you'll figure out how to do it again. And, may I add......it surely doesn't take another woman to help you find him. At least, I hope it doesn't. Doesn't hurt a guy to hear a compliment from a pretty lady, or see one that is checking him out. It helps the bruised ego. But, you are too vulnerable to act on anything from another woman, right now. Oh, and FWIW, don't feel as if you need to explain everything I've told you with your WW, including how you won't look at another skirt unless you are officially divorced. She is wayward, let her think whatever about you. LBH's explain way too much!

Have you read all the WW threads? Are you following the suggestions on the first page of the first thread? You cannot become the attractive male who excites her, unless you can enforce tough love. Being military, I would think you could appreciate how that works in gaining respect. When a woman becomes your W, a funny little thing happens. You see, God had this sense of humor........well, never mind. Woman was designed to where her desire was tied to her respect for her H. You see, God had this plan that man should.........well, never mind. Anyway, if the wife loses respect for her H.....she loses her desire for him. All the attraction, chemistry, interest, loving feelings.....everything goes down the drain. And, it's replaced with some nasty, negative feelings. She may say she feels dead, but she is referring to positive emotions for you. She feels plenty, but it's not good. So, why would she want to listen or follow a man she doesn't respect? Why should she stay in a dead MR where she feels like she her life is going to waste and she's missing out on true happiness.....somewhere out there. The special ingredient that is missing, is her lack of respect. She's got to see you as a MAN, and respect you as you as a man, before she'll emotionally accept you into her heart and respect you as her H. Understand? It happened once, it can happen again. One thing in your favor, you have a history together. So, don't give up just yet.

Okay, so all you have to do now is to let her watch from the sidelines. You don't have to be a big fake. For goodness sake, be real, or you'll get nowhere. You don't have to try to get her to see or know what you are doing. Trust me on that on that one, okay? Women know when you are dumping them, even without the formal paperwork. When Brad Pitt fell for Angelina, Jennifer Aniston said that she knew, before Brad dumped her. She said he was "gone" from the moment he met Angelina. Again, not trying to get you involved with another woman, just making a point that your W will know when you emotionally dump her. And if you want to add salt to it.....be somewhat of a charming bloke about it. That'll kill her. But only if you look like Brad Pitt.

So, what comes after she senses you dumping her? She will try all sorts of emotional temperature checks to assure herself she can still manipulate your feelings or actions. When that doesn't work (and it will take several times), she will realize what she's lost.....and that it is probably too late to change your mind. After that drives homes to the pit of her heart, she'll begin to give a hard, unselfish, look at herself. She'll have to take ownership of how she tore the M apart, how she selfishly discarded something precious to seek something that was shallow and destructive to those she loves and to herself. She has to stop blaming her H for any of it. When she is broken.....then she can go to him. She may have to find him, but she can. She needs to humbly apologize, even if it's the hardest thing she's ever done. He didn't deserve what she's done and she feels a lot of remorse for it. If he'll give her another chance to work to on the MR, she'll do whatever he says. She knows she loves him, respects him, and wants him. But, it's his decision if he will take a chance on her. She understands if he says it's too late. His part is not to let her off too easily, by letting her back without doing the required work. What I've described in this paragraph is just her emotional breakthrough and how she needs to feel humble and remorseful and approach him to apologize and ask for another chance. The real work comes after this point. smile

That's pretty much the nutshell version of it. It takes longer than expected to play out, in most cases. So you see, you really do hold more power than you thought. You just have to have the courage to exercise it. "

FRickin awesome, thanks Sandi! :-)