Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

[Gordie]

Team Gordie, advice needed:

So moving ahead with my plans to move out and basically NC with stbxw. She has stalled the d papers. When I do see her she tries to act like everything is normal and engages me in conversation and tries to touch me. I am kind and friendly but keep interaction short and avoid R talk. She has stopped evenings out and overnights but I know via the kids she is still in contact with OM2. So given my non responsiveness to text messages she now hand writes notes and leaves them for me where she knows I will see them.

Her latest: if I break up with OM2, will you work on our R? I want to talk to you.

Okay friends...feel like I’m not going to be able to ignore this. I haven’t said anything yet...so what do I say now?

[Sotto]

Hi Gordie, yes sounds like she is ramping up efforts to draw you in. My view is that she needs to have been OM free for a good while and have been working on herself to understand what made her behave in such a destructive way.

If you haven't done so already, I would encourage you to have a look at Cali's thread. He had such a heartfelt plea from his W to try and reconcile, but it didn't work out because she was not fully baked yet.

The standard suggested answer is 'it really isn't that simple now.' I think. I can tell you from all that you have posted - this woman is not fully baked in any sense. There is no - I'm so sorry for what I have done, I truly regret this and I want to know how to try and make it right. It was wrong for you and for me on so many levels I realise that now.

But what you have is a bald - if I do X will you do Y? I think she doesn't want to have to deal with all that comes with you moving out personally...

Wait and see what others think though Gordie, maybe I'm being a little harsh?

[Pax_luv]

Hi Gordie,
Tough spot.

I have to agree with Sotto's statements above 100%.

Notice she hasn't taken ownership on her own yet. It's an if-then statement. And she's looking to you to take on the work... Will YOU work on our relationship?

I'm not sure the best way to respond, but just keep that perpective. Good luck.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - One of the things that I do when faced with a difficult problem is to "turn it upside down" and look at it from the other direction.

From some interpretations of the definition - you are now the walk away spouse. There's a play-book and script for that. You could tell her that you need some space and time to identify what it is that you want for your future. So far the narrative has all been her her her.

One thing I like about this is that it is very likely true. You probably do need some space and time to figure out what you want. One of the phrases my ex used was that she "needed to get away from all the noise".

You may want to talk to your counselor but I would honestly think that the two of you taking a break from the stress and drama will allow you both an opportunity to think about what you really do want for your futures.

Just my opinion. We're your pit crew, but you are the man driving the car.

[job]

Gordie,

I think I would sit on that note for a bit. It's not a simple if I do this, will you do that (like Sotto mentioned). You aren't bargaining here.

When they know that you mean business and are prepared to move out and get on w/your life, many of them will panic and try to bargain w/you...but....once they've got you back on the hook, it isn't long before they are back to their old behaviors.

When the time comes to respond to her, you may want to consider saying "W, I need some time to myself to think about this situation and make the right decision when it comes to my family. I will let you know when I have figured things out...until then, I need my own space." You can always change the wording or you don't have to use it at all...but she's going to continue coming at you for a while.

Gordie, she's not baked and she'll be right back at the behaviors in no time if you waffle and stay. I would continue moving forward, get your own place and enjoy the peace and quiet, i.e., drama free, for a while. It will be your safe haven and you will discover just how much stress you've been under living under the same roof w/her and her drama.

[roist]

Tell her that as long as she is with someone else that is something you wouldn't even consider discussing and definitely won'twaste your time thinking about it now. End of discussion.

[HaWho]

Very interesting how she is willing to throw OM right in the trash can. (Of course I don't believe it; sadly, I think she'll just go underground with it all.). But it shows how dispensable people are to her and of course if she can do it to one she easily can do it to another.

And yes, the truth is it really isn't at all simple anymore. Something is very wrong with her. And there's no way this can be like flicking a switch. There is zero remorse and worse, there is absolutely no comprehension that she went waaaay off the reservation. She has done zero processing. If you took her up on her offer she is still way, way behind you in maturity. You'll have nothing in common with her at this stage. I suspect she has a long way to go.

Seems to me she is just scared of the wheels she has put in motion and she should be.

[Gordie]

Sotto, pax, Andrew, job, roist, HaWho,

Thanks for the live time feedback. You are right. Venting:

Can’t discuss working on us if you are still in a R with OM2. Also can’t discuss us with a D filing hanging over my head.

You have no recognition of what you have done and no remorse. What’s happened can’t be swept under the carpet.

No, I don’t want to fake reconcile and just be back to the same in a few months or later with OM3.

I don’t want to be in a three way R and I don’t want to be your backup plan. If you were serious about working on us, then your actions would be different. You’d unilaterally cut off OM2, recognize the damage done, and “do anything” to reconnect with me. You don’t view your R with OM1 and OM2 as cheating, but I do and it has and does hurt me greatly.

Yes, I would love to save our M—you know that. But it’s not so simple any more. A lot of damage has been done. Vows were broken. Trust was broken. It would take a lot of hard work on both out parts to build a new M. And according to you, you’re not sure what you want. I need someone who “knows” in their heart that she wants me. And right now, you can’t say that.

[roist]

That would be too much to say. Keep it short and simple.

Instead of "don't want" use "won't"

If you need to express yourself use the last paragraph without the first and last sentences.

Best wishes

[HaWho]

Personally, I'd advise against giving her the whole blueprint on what you're thinking and what she needs to do. My thoughts are that it's too soon for that as she's just looking to do anything to return to status quo vs. really work on things.

By the way, in the summer of 2015 during that brief time my h moved back into the MBR, he asked me to write down specifically what he needed to do! It was very strange. He had already written me a horrible and utterly ridiculous letter detailing what I needed to do. I didn't write back, but I did talk with him. He said he really wanted a letter so that he could remember what he was supposed to be doing. They really are quite lost. He wanted me to prop him up.

My two cents is keep it really shirt simple, a few sentences and that's it.