It would be much better to analyse your WH behaviour than to label him a narc or anything else. Without a proper clinical diagnosis it really isn't helpful.
The key issue is if you have been a target of a systematic abuser. If you have sadly there is no turn around as it was there before you were involved and will extend afterwards.
I sense you are very confused and probably targeted. And if that is so then you will need help from an abuse support group IRL. Your health will be poor because trauma does this. Extreme self care for you and your lovely D.
It's awful, truly to be a target in this way. And the things abusers say go beyond mean and vindictive. Disgusting and beyond the pale.
The Giggalo told me that my father should smother my mother, it was easy enough. He also said my body was disgusting and he felt sick just looking at me. That he hoped I would trip and fall out of a first floor balcony window.
These things are sickening and evil. Your WH and his potty mouth need to be recorded for public consumption.
My view is very straightforward Nicole, you act on mediation when you are ready. If you aren't up to dealing with it then don't do it. And when you do have full support from a licensed abuse counsellor for battered women. To do otherwise may further traumatise. Go at your pace.
You seem very low indeed in mind and spirit. I am here to tell you that you can heal, to do that you will need complete NC and peace and quiet. That's hard if you haven't accepted that you were a target for abuse. Even reading the abuse thread takes energy although from your description I sense high levels of abuse. And abuse isn't about physical contact, it might be easy to recognise if it was so.
It's ok to feel this disorientated with this. It's also ok to be confused by your abuser. It's clearly trauma bond experience and only NC will assist you.
Big hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
