Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts

[reframe]

I’m not sure where to start here.

I just read DR and am trying to work my way thorough the process. The exercises on diffusing emotions and deep breaths from ACT have helped a lot.

Background:
We’ve been married 4 years, together for 11. Wife has had anxiety and health issues for some time, but they came to a real head around 3-4 years ago, and have seriously impacted our ability to do much of anything. We’re both very outdoorsy types, and our ability to travel and explore together has been seriously impacted.

We’ve also struggled with different expectations on sex for years. I had expressed doubt about marriage because of this, because a healthy vibrant sex life is really important to me. I have read the SSM, seen a sex therapist and spent some time with an EFT focused therapist.

Wife had expressed an interest and willingness to change, but was resistant to scheduling sex, or really putting the effort in. For example, she never read the SSM despite saying she would. She had also always said that I made her feel that she wasn’t good enough (i.e. blaming me).

I had been seeing an EMDR therapist and trying to do the work to straighten out my own head. It had been helping; I’d stopped pursuing my wife so much and started with the GAL approach. She was responding well to me, and our general level of intimacy was improving.

Other issues:
We’ve always struggled a bit with having kids. She goes back and forth, but it is generally something she wants. I am not opposed, but always wanted to wait until our relationship and sex life were in a stable place. I know that kids can be a huge challenge to a relationship, and I haven’t been sure about moving forward until this was resolved.

The downhill slide:
We suspect that a big part of her low libido was due to hormonal birth control and other health issues, and that’s been the dominant challenge in our relationship for years. Her health issues came to a head around six months ago. She went to see a functional doc and appeared to be slowly starting to dig her way out. He suggested her going off the hormonal birth control, which I was supportive of. At the end of the session he asked if there were any goals I wanted from treatment, I mentioned that we’d struggled with the desire discrepancy component for years and it would be awesome if that improved, but that it was secondary to other health issues.

She also started seeing a therapist (which I strongly encouraged) and trying to work on her own issues. I was initially invited to come see the therapist with her. When I came, I mentioned that I didn’t feel as close or supportive with the lack of sexual intimacy, Her therapist suggested that we talk about scheduling and making it a priority, and that I temper my expectations. Seems reasonable right? It never happened, and I learned that she felt me bringing this up was an unsupportive betrayal.

She had some really dark times during this period, and (in hindsight) I let her down. She could barely get out of bed or eat, and I went out and played outside a few times. This happened in the context of years of panic attacks, so it was hard to know at the time that this was different, but I know now that it still felt like an abandonment and serious let down of trust to her. Her combination of feeling scared and alone, and my not being there (and being worried about sex) did a lot of damage to our relationship.

Now:
A few months ago I confronted her about seeming to be checked out. The conversation did not go well. She told me that she didn’t know what she wanted. I started pursuing harder, trying to “fix” it. This came to a head after about a week, and with her threatening to go sleep elsewhere I went down the street and stayed with a relative.

The next day she asked me to come home and talk to her. She said she didn’t know what she wanted, and that she had bought a few books on mindfulness in marriage.

I backed off a bit, and she initialed sex around a month later, for the first time in months! I may have dropped the ball here, I got excited and was hoping for a repeat soon, and got a bit moody when one wasn’t offered.

Since then, we’ve gone on one trip, and had a tremendous blow up when she was acting withdrawn and distance, and generally seemed to be contemplating divorce.
In that conversation she said the she didn’t know if things could be saved, and that I’d been acting desperate for months.


She hasn’t read any of the mindfulness in marriage books (that got for us) or expressed much other concrete interest in making things better. She also believes that I was monitoring her online activity.

Status:
She has not given me the D-bomb yet, but she has said she doesn’t know what the future will hold, or what kind of future she wants. I know that she has been reading about divorce, and that she has a lot of anger and resent directed toward me, and has regarded our past as a “toxic” relationship where she was a victim and didn’t stand up for herself. (for the record, I’ve supported her through school, numerous career changes, hospital trips, and life changes – but I have also gotten moody and pouty about sex more often than not over the years)

She is clearly trying to GAL and build a life that doesn’t have me in it, pursuing her own activities, etc..

She does sometimes initiate physical affection with me, and (when I have her attention engaged) seems to generally enjoy my company.

She also still has bouts of very combative short-temperedness with me, which I don’t engage with.



My questions:
I know that I need to stop pursuing. Stop talking about the relationship, stop talking about the future to reassure myself, stop reminding her of the good times past (There where many) and generally stop doing things to try to “change her mind” or “reassure myself”

I’ve done that, or at least I’m working on it.

How do I balance this with trying to regain trust and be the supportive, be the partner she needs me to be?

I feel a bit like I’m damned either way. Her health issues prevent us from going on the type of trips that used to be our bonding times (for now).
How do I be supportive and regain trust, without pursuing?