Wow, that sounds so much like what my XW told me that it's downright eerie.
I don't understand either and listening to her say how great I am and our relationship doesn't make it any easier. I really believe this is her way of letting me down easy.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Is your W on A/D's?
No she is not on A/D's. She was depressed in 2013 timeframe. She works in healthcare and I remember her telling me she checked off on all the boxes for depression. But she never took anything.
She has started taking Estrogen. Sex was dwindling for about a year now, and a few months ago she told me because "sex felt muted" like she was underwater. It didn't feel the same anymore.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Anyway I think you are right in not wanting to be her best friend. My XW kept pushing that as well, she didn't want to keep living with me but she wanted to be besties and kept emphasizing what great parents we were and how we would continue to be a team for our kids. I made it clear to her that I didn't want to be besties thank you very much, even though I would continue to work together with her when it came to the kids.
My W has a fantasy about life after D that she can keep all the good things and not have to do the work to maintain a MR. So yes, I want to dispel this fantasy.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
She's got to learn to miss you and that will never happen as long as she keeps living there (or in the back yard, LOL!) Maybe offer to build her a doghouse if she wants to live out back?
You are making me think what else can I do to withdraw given we're living together.
I did just finish building a chicken coop in the back. Perhaps she could live with all the hens? Where the chicken coop is located is the only place we could put a granny unit, and I would rather have the chickens out back than my ex-W.
I have suspected my W being in perimenopause, and it being a factor with her mood and feelings in my sitch. Did you notice positive changes with your W's mood/feelings after she went on estrogen?
[/quote]Perhaps she could live with all the hens?[/quote] LOL!
I have suspected my W being in perimenopause, and it being a factor with her mood and feelings in my sitch. Did you notice positive changes with your W's mood/feelings after she went on estrogen?
No I have not noticed any difference. I asked her once if she thought it was helping and she wasn't sure either.
There are recent studies suggesting long term A/D use is making people lose the ability to "love". Over time they quit feeling love for their spouse and even their children.
I'm another whose situation is similar (although I now understand many ways I contributed to the failure of my marriage). We still get along very well, socialize together, cooperate well with the kids, lived together for almost a year after filing, etc. She had no interest in sex, and still has no interest in pursuing a relationship of any kind with another man. We even discussed having an open marriage so we could continue to live together, and I could get sexual satisfaction elsewhere (an option I rejected after a few hours consideration).
My W has been on A/Ds for years, and now I'm wondering what part they might have played in the failure of our marriage. Interesting.
FastCars, living together while she wanted a D, and then having her move out was really hard, but in the end, I'm glad she did. I still want to reconcile, but the distance has allowed me to start detaching (I still have a long way to go), and move on with my life.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
This morning my W just told me that she wants to file for D next week. Here's how the conversation went:
W: Do you want to talk about your email? Me: OK W: What you said about not being friends really hurt. It doesn't have to be that way.
She then went on about D is what we make of it. If we want to be 'besties' we can.
W: I'm glad you don't want to screw me Me: No, although we will both feel like we're getting screwed W: What do you mean? Me: When you see your kids only half the time, when your wealth is cut in half ... it will feel like you're getting screwed. When you or me are alone on the holiday we'll feel screwed [we had a divorced friend over for Christmas because he had nowhere to go]
W: Why did you think Retrouville would help? Me: I told here we had issues and it would have helped us address them.
This momentarily opened up hope for me that she might say let's try to work on this.
W: Everything I said in the email is true. (see previous post where she said all nice things about me and the MR in an email)
W: I don't want to live like this, our sitch needs to move forward -- long pause -- W: I'm going to file next week Me: OK Me: anything else? W: I'll have to find out ...
Me: If you file that starts a timeline. How about you schedule a meeting with a mediator first. W: OK
I am oddly unmoved at this point. I don't want to divorce, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm going sailing with a friend this afternoon, and then this evening my W and kids are going to dinner at the house of D11's friend. It's surreal.
I am oddly unmoved at this point. I don't want to divorce, but there is nothing I can do about it. ........It's surreal.
I found it was really hard to face the reality of divorce at this point. As long as she didn't move out, it was like I still had hope we could reconcile. I feel for you. I give you props, though, you seem to say things much better than I ever did.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I found it was really hard to face the reality of divorce at this point. As long as she didn't move out, it was like I still had hope we could reconcile. I feel for you. I give you props, though, you seem to say things much better than I ever did.
I’m a super (unrealistic) optimist, in spite of all evidence to the contrary I believe she may change her mind and will always have hope. If you ever read Victor Frankl In Searxh for The Meaning of Life, he said once a concentration camp inmate lost hope they soon died. He was In Auschwitz, and if there’s any place a person would lose hope it was there.
I screwed up yesterday. We only use my W's electronic account for banking and she changed the password without telling me. I told her very calmly, I no longer had access. She thought I could see everything from my username, but I cannot because I'm an authorized user on the credit cards rather than joint. I suggested we just split the bank account in half right then and there. We did. She handed me her phone with the bank app open to see the balances. While I had her phone in hand, I decided to look at her messages -- yes snooping, which in the early part of DB-ing I did too much. I saw a message thread with a GF that my W confides in. The GF was asking, seemingly incredulously, that I would continue the marriage but not be friends. So this was referring to our email exchange. My W's portion of the exchange was brief:
W: I cannot fake it anymore [I take this to mean loving me and being in a marriage]
W: I feel awful
W: My guy friend told me in one year
The last line from my W made me instantly think there is an OM. It was like a sledgehammer to my chest. Could I be so foolish and not know?
I did not read the whole thread, so I'm taking things out of context. I have no idea what my W was responding to. Upon later reflection, I was thinking if there was an OM, why would she want to live together after the Divorce? Or in the backyard? Moreover, I know where she is almost 90% of the time. She has a new job, I know her activities, etc. There's no other evidence to support an OM. Then again, as others say on this board, why would a WAS leave a MR unless she had something to go to?
So this has caused me tremendous angst and my blood pressure to go up. Yet, I realize it changes my sitch in no way (other than to suggest there is no hope). It does not change what I need to do.
It was a weakness to look at her messages, and now I'm paying for it. A warning about why everybody on here says not to snoop.
BTW, in my state I understand they use a date of separation for division of property. So splitting the bank account is a good thing because from now on her expenses are from her half and mine from my half. All the bills go to her, and I told her I would pay half of all household expenses and any expenses involving the kids. I intend to honor this. Going forward I intend to adhere to the following principles:
1. honor the marriage until (if?) the actual divorce 2. fulfill all my obligations (such as paying half of household expenses) 3. stop, think, and make decisions that are (i) in my kids interest, (ii) favorable to me attaining my life goals, and (iii) to an uninterested observer would be deemed fair and reasonable.
I hope to look back on this time in my life and be able to say I handled myself well.
