New LBS dealing with WW Part 4

[Joe2017]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2774061&page=1

In the last thread Surfer was asking if I've been getting out. The answer is yes, I've been getting out and doing things on my own and with the kids. It has been very liberating but seriously saddening at times as well.

I have been having a good time with GAL but I have yet to find a way to replace that emptiness I feel every day.

Surfer is right, my emotions were attaching me back to WW. That is very concerning to me, because I have worked so hard and been through so much already that I feel like I should be way further ahead with my feelings. Alas, I am still on the rollercoaster.

I try to keep my mind occupied or keep my body active by keeping busy. It's the down time, the rest, sleeping at night, and the occasional nap when it all hits me like a nuclear bomb. Out of nowhere I will get a flood of emotions and hit rock bottom again. It is getting slightly easier, but not easy enough.

I am very outwardly detached now, however. I am doing pretty well with that part. It's the alone time that gets me. The pondering and the contemplating.

I'm not so sure time is on my side with this one.

[Joe2017]

I said kids above, but that's only partially true. She recently said I basically can't do anything with her son anymore, or even really talk to him. Heart breaking stuff.

[Joe2017]

Surfer asked how she reacted when looking down after I told her I was sure she's doing great. She stared off into space for a little bit and said nothing. I don't know what that means but I'm not going to spend more time analyzing it.

WW came back to the house to get cleaned up for another night out of the home and took her kid with her again. She was very short on words, kind of sad demeanor. Very reserved when talking to me.

I am still emotional about this but I just acted indifferent towards her while she was here. Im glad she's gone again. Having some peace is valuable to me these days. I'd like to thank everyone for having my back during my darkest days. It's very difficult being in this spot. I hate every second of it. It's like a bad dream that I can't wake up from.

[Jim1234]

Someone, I can't remember who, said this process is not linear. You will make strides for a while, and then backslide. Of course the strides get bigger, and the backslides shorter. We all do it. Don't beat yourself up.

With respect to her son, if I remember right, he's 15ish? I'd have a candid talk with him, explain that you love him, and want to spend time with him. I wouldn't throw his mother under the bus, but make sure he knows YOU are not abandoning HIM. It won't be too long before he's 18, and can spend all the time with you he wants, regardless of what his mom says.

[Surfer]

Joe,

It takes a long time to detach. You simply can not rush it. It's like losing a close relative. You just don't get over it quickly. But you do have to find a positive way to deal with it.

Her looking sad, might be guilt or whatever. Don't read into it.

Her blocking you from her son is her cutting you out of her new life. I was blocked from her parents, family, my BIL, friends. Some come to you to help. They are truly worth having as friends etc. The rest - charlatans who can't be anything but sheep IMHO.

If you are finding these alone times hard, can you schedule time with a counsellor or friend. It seems you need to talk chap. That and do-ing and gym are great. You will find this less difficult but only time will help. Reading about this sort of thing is also very, very good. As is mindfulness. I believe between these suggestions you will find a route.

Be very careful not to become a martyr to your feelings. Be the rider not the horse my friend. This is important. Read about ID the super ego if you wish but in short. Take charge of your emotions.

There is a poem by Rumi called the Guest House which helped me understand that what you are feeling is transient. Very much so. It helps to get this.

It's no more than a headache or a hangover. The feel awful, these emotions, but once gone your remember them but can't feel them. They will go. Surprisingly quickly. They will return though. That's why Rumi's words are great.

Remember, the foundation of these feelings is grief. It hits you like a tsunami first time. Then crashing waves, they never stop. Soon the waves are less intense. Perhaps further apart. You can breathe. Then, in time, shall, infrequent, then silence. They will hit you every now and then, out of the blue and hard. Then go.

Read Rumi.

Take care. Remember many have been there. You will not drown. You will learn to be the most capable swimmer. Like a Jedi in Speado's - keep that chin up.....

Surfer.

[Joe2017]

Yeah, I have had those discussions with him multiple times since BD. He knows.

He's not happy with how things are but he's coping as best he can. Unfortunately his mother is a WW and he can't understand all the decisions that she is making.

[Joe2017]

I just read The Guest House. That was incredibly insightful. I need to stop being afraid of my feelings and just ride them out.

[Surfer]

Joe

Just talk to them about things if the raise anything. They will tend to at bed time or if you are alone. Listen and talk. Reassure never raise anything. Over time they will reveal that they knew that you were the rock. Trust me, they will. mum is always mum and you must never throw her under the bus - a train perhaps, but never a bus. Sorry. You do have to find some fun at times.

BTW can you do a summary sitch footer please? It helps others helping to focus on your specific ages, dates, kids details etc.

Thank you.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Yes. Not bad for a 13th-century Persian Sunni Muslim.

When my daughter, at the time 6.5/7 yrs was scared and didn’t know what to think due to mummy’s shouting at night (rage) I carefully explained how emotions are transient and even the sad ones are like friends. Some are more of a pain in the ass than others however. She got it and slept. After this I instigated Surfers plan to avoid rage flash points. Bed soon after kids, up run and NC during the day and night if possible. It worked.

I know I keep telling you all will be well but at some point you will need to take charge and say ‘fcuk it, time to get a plan’. The alternative is let her pull your strings and get in your head.

Surfer.

[Joe2017]

Well, the plan really is just NC and limited NC at home. I can't avoid her but I can make each contact brief. I am staying in the MH and the MBR permanently. I am going to be here to make sure I don't enable WW behavior at my home, as WW has lied about doing several times.

Escape plan is grab a blanket and lock myself inside bathroom. I'll be able to take a nap if I have to. Hah.