New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Surfer]

Joe,

Totally normal these horrible feelings of loss, abandonment and grief. You will blame yourself.

You have been detached at times. I have read that. But full detachment is that. I am really very detached now but even now I still get the odd wobble. It’s rare though. It was 18 months since she left.

I definiately would not have her back. 100%. At my stage it feels like the kind of loss you have for an ex girlfriend. But I rarely feel like that now - it’s just a bit sad if you know what I mean. But hen I am also happy with it. Perhaps in the not too distant future you might reflect on this and think. Wow, I am there too.

The bit you are going through is horrid. I can’t deny it and I feel for you matey. But the good memories are not gone. Your R is on hold. If she changes all good, but she may not. She looked down? Down sad or at the floor? One is sadness and one is shame. If she is asking after you she may still care but she might also be temp testing.

Don’t presume any outcome right now. Just look like the strong confident guy you have been. This hurt, struggling phase is temporary.

You need to convey a strong and happy front for you and the kids - if she sees that and responds you might consider it too late, but that’s you in the driving seat. Think more “OK, you seem to be intent on creating havoc in your life, not a life I want to opt for, for me and the kids thanks. By the way I am going to be the most eligible guy in town.”

There is often and balance of power shift in R’s in such situations. For example, I was always the one who was perhaps more attractive and eligible (sorry this sounds big headed but I can see it, however this was never a problem) yet when she became WW I became weak and perhaps even scared of her (stupid but I did). I kind of stopped the whole ‘you can pack this nonsense in approach” to her spews and was more “hurt by her spews and contright and apologetic” over the gaslighted faults she projected. In short she gaslighted me in to being weak comparatively and I no doubt was less attractive to her. Do I feel bad for this? Do I bo!!ocks, I had someone I loved. I didn’t see the red flags that she was and is a massive manipulator and abuser of my trust, our love and me. Do I hate her - absolutely not. Do I want her - absolutely not. I just think she is an idiot for throwing it all away. But it’s is her choice and I can’t force her so I accept she is a WW and will smile as she disappears in my rear view mirror.

There are two islands now. She has left your island, it is a ramshackle mess to her - but you definitely can cry and wait for her to come back or you can assert yourself and build a raft like an assertive man. Row out to another island that you are in charge of and built an amazing place for you and the kids. Once where dreams hope’s, memories and love will thrive. She will look on with intrigue at your new island and may ever want to visit. Up to you if you let her. She most likely will not want island 1 or you on it - so make island 2. Take control of the island. Eventually, she might have to drift back to island 1, she will find it much more baron than it was, as you will have left and be on the island 2.

Final point, divorce dates are high. There are very few good men out there. Particularly solvent ones that can scrub up well and have manners. You won’t be interested in this now, I appreciate, however, trust me, when you get our mojo back you will not feel lonely for long if you are at all. Granted it takes a few months after S before you get any such feelings. But just wanted to be clear!

Also, give yourself time. I have read that it takes on average 1 month for every year together to detach fully. I agree with that. 18 months in I am getting very close. We were together for circa 20 years.

Get yourself out scrubbed up well and just catch up with a friend or go out. Even if you go for a beer with a work colleague or cinema alone. It will do you good. It will also make her think. Are you getting out?

Keep on track chap.

Surfer.