J...I was in your shoes 7 months ago. The pain is real, I cried my eyes out for weeks straight wondering how I got to this point and why was it happening to me. I cried on the board while I was typing, I cried to my mom every morning and evening as i drove to and from work. I cried to my IC and I couldn't talk about it to anyone without crying. It is perfectly normal.
You probably will never know why your W made the choices that she did but please understand that this is more about her than it is about you and your failures as a husband/father.
We all make mistakes, we all wish we could have done things different in our MR's as we reflect on what we could have done to prevent our spouse from leaving. However in the end it is still an individual choice, right or wrong your W made a choice to leave based on how she was feeling, based on how she viewed/percieved things through her lens. Other W's would not have left and would have stayed and have stayed through worse MR's than we had. Ours did not and it hurts.
My neighbor and his W are in their early 30's and have 3 kids ranging from 7-2. She is a teacher and he is a mgmt consultant. He has had 5 jobs in the last 7 years, at 1 period he went a year without working, earned an income through playing fantasy sports. He is never outside with his kids, does not mow his yard, does not wash his cars, does not do household repairs, does not pay the family bills, every time I am at their house he is laying on the couch with a blanket, doesn't court his W, he is active in his church though and does lead bible study. When I look at him and then compare it to Sandi's list of ways a W loses respect for her husband he might be the poster child . I don't know what goes on in-side their house but from an outsiders view they appear to be happy.
My point is that he is probably a far worse husband than you or I however his W stayed/is staying and ours chose to leave. It still boils down to individual choices, individual people, their emotions, how people are wired, etc. It was really probably out of your control.
. I don't know what goes on in-side their house but from an outsiders view they appear to be happy.