New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Surfer]

Joe

Imagine in decide I want to turn you into anything gross. A man that robs banks, a man that abuses the vulnerable a man that swindles the poor, elderly etc. A murderer - anything. Anything you are not.

That would take a very clever and manipulative plan on my part and you buying into that. What was your plan? When did you first decide to destroy your marriage or to turn your W into a wayward, someone that withheld love, affection and gave it to another. When did you plan to be abused?

Sometimes actions are chosen by others. You do not make anyone perform such actions. They choose them. So in short, you did not cause this. Her behaviour is hers.

Okay, the putting on weight thing. So? Would you have left her if she put a few pounds in but was working hard?

Pity party city. We all do it. You are grieving for loss and ‘feel’ to be to blame. YOU are not to blame for HER actions. Full stop.

Now the sadness is here know you will get through this. It is exactly the same as the death of a loved one. You are accepting what has happenend. Yes we all play a part in this, me, my W felt I did not listen and therefore didn’t care. The fact is I know it is true that she felt that or said she did. But I always listened I just got it the first time and look switched off as she told me the next 5 times. I know this was a ‘fault’ yet I also know that I am not patient and I am sufficiently smart to sort a solution within seconds of hearing the problem the first time. So I know I need to learn to not just listen but to hear until the person talking has exhausted their anxieties. My W was always talking about 1st world issues as if they were 3rd world issues. Something I struggle with. So as she became more and more like that, an emotional vampire, the less I wanted to listen. So in short, we were growing apart. This is all that has happenend to you but her abusive path is escalating and you need to recognise that she probably won’t change.

Grieve, feel sad. You must. Exercise was my solution. It may help you. Find what helps. Self help books etc are but know it is likely that you will never unravel what happenend much beyond what you already know. You will accept it thought and you will be happy.

I remember the times when I struggled to be happy around my kids. I am now happier and more confident around them and our relationship is 10 times better than it ever has been and i was always great. I was bedtime and bath time dad, tickles and fun. Now 10 x that.

Don’t let the kids see you sad. Find space to run, read or whatever. Seratonin is so good for you at these times. Also, go to counselling, hypnotherapy or mindfulness training. The latter you can do for free at any time.

I know it feels unbearable. It is horrid. But this will go, I promise. Keep doing what works.

You have got this better than I did. You may feel you are not coping. You are, you will.

Final point. Do you want to love someone that does not love you? No. Right now she is manipulating and gaslighting you in addition. It’s abuse. You must work on detaching.

You will get there.

Surfer