New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Joe2017]

I feel so awful. I feel like I could have prevented all of this from happening if I had only listened to my wife. She told me what I wasn't doing enough of. She told me. I didn't listen. I was too busy doing other things or worse, nothing. I miss her so so much. She was my best friend. We were always there for each other. And now she's gone. I wasn't man enough to keep her. I loved her so so so damn much. I thought she loved me too. I thought we had it all.

I never stopped working to make a better life for my family. I went back to school to get a better job. I graduated and got that job! Yes, my workouts stopped. I didn't have time like I once did. Maybe I gained some weight. But my paychecks were way bigger. I was going to work at my body again, I just couldn't at the time. Did I get too ugly? Too fat? I did start working on it again, but at the end of our M. I'm down 30+ pounds now. But it doesn't even matter.

I couldn't be the man she wanted and she left me for a loser.

I wasn't good enough. I can't stop crying right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't believe I failed everyone in my life. I just didn't put in the work that she asked me to do. I let myself slide and paid the price.

I feel like this is all my fault. I know everyone (even me) says it's hers. But I know it's not. And now it's too late.

I think I changed her into WW and that hurts me so much. I miss my wife more than I knew I could miss anyone. I feel alone no matter who I am around or how many people are with me.

I feel so remarkably guilty for all of this. I never wanted this to be this way. My heart feels so empty all of the time. Even my kid doesn't bring me joy like he should.

NC and DB is so so so hard for me. It's 100% opposite of my true personality. I'm compassionate, I'm loving, I'm a great communicator. I'm loyal and respectful. It's so hard being the opposite of my nature to the woman I love every day. It's taking such a toll on me, but I know it's my only chance at recovery OR recon (as if that fantasy would EVER happen at this point).

What a lousy pity party I'm having right now. I just don't have ANYONE to talk to about this. Nobody understands what I am going through. I hardly even have any friends left from pre marriage, and all my post marriage friends are hands off now due to the D.

What did I do to screw my life up this bad? Why does God have this in His plan for my family?

I wish I could go back and fix all the problems I introduced. I wish I could have been a better man for my wife and my family.

I am just ranting now. Thank you for all of you kind words Surfer and Vanilla. I feel like the only people that understand me are here on this board.

I'm trying so hard to be strong. I am running out of strength. I haven't felt this bad since the first week after BD. I feel so broken and lost.