Happy New Year friends, I hope you all survived the emotional roller coaster this time of year can bring.
My holidays had ups and downs, lots going on and not sure where to start. I will say that I am so grateful the holidays are over! I also am very ready for change in this new year and have taken the bull by the horns.
Let me start with a quick blip into the life of MIL. Not to gossip, but for a glimpse into someone H is very much like, and why relationships that start with affairs rarely last. For background, she had an EA while married to H dad, ended up divorcing him to be with OM. They have been married now about 20 years. For the last 10, they have grown apart. For the last couple of years, they live in separate bedrooms and live separate lives. She has voiced that she is very unhappy, but does not want to "deal with" another divorce. This would be number 3. So real quick, her birthday was in December, H and his sister's took her out to brunch. SIL did not invite her husband, she invited FIL instead as a surprise. She had a wonderful birthday brunch with her original family and took lots of pics. Current husband found out and was very hurt, is accusing her of having an affair with FIL. In fact, he has been accusing her of an affair for quite sometime. To make things worse, they got in a fight on Christmas, and where did she decide to spend the day? At FIL with her kids! Things blew up, she was blocking her bedroom door at night out of fear, and finally left to stay with a friend. Can you imagine going through this in your 70's?? It's a sad situation, but brought on by secrets, lack of communication, avoiding issues instead of facing them, and not owning up to her own choices and mistakes. She blames it all on her husband. This family is more dysfunctional than I ever knew.
On to my Christmas. On Christmas Eve, H, son and I spent time at MIL. I visited with both of H sisters, his nieces and nephews. They all welcomed me with warm hugs and I enjoyed seeing them since it is so rare. SIL shared how she was feeling about her mom's marriage drama and how much she disliked her husband and their situation. I don't think the kids ever fully healed from her affair and the divorce..... obviously. Around 7:00, S and I went home and H went to his home to wrap presents and come to my place after. He has done this the last 3 years so he can wake up with S on Christmas morning. He was sick this year but felt well enough to come over.
I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 11:30, no word from H. I thought, with him being sick, he may have fell asleep, and probably should just stay home at this point since it was late and I really didn't want his germs in the house. I texted him that we were going to bed and locking up the house, and since he isn't feeling well, to just stay home and we will wait for him in the morning before doing any gifts. H took this in a very bad way! He texted and called, ripped me apart, called me passive aggressive, yelled that I was keeping him from his S...He sounded crazy. I had to hang up on him twice. It was all really out of character for him, so I did by best to blow it off. I got very little sleep and have never dreaded Christmas day like I did that night.
He showed up at 8 am looking and sounding like death. He gave me a dirty look and proceeded to bring in his gifts while S was still sleeping. I later found my stocking thrown aside, he replaced it with a 2nd stocking for S. We were able to be cordial and friendly for S sake, had breakfast, opened gifts, and got through the morning. I wasn't expecting much for gifts, but H did bring me a few. I would bet money he left some behind though! S and I got H some thoughtful gifts, and at the point of him opening a canvas pic I had done of H and S goofing around on our last snow trip, he looked a bit sheepish about his behavior. He said being sick has made him a bit grumpy. No kidding! H left about 11 that morning, I disinfected the house, and S and I enjoyed the rest of the day and night watching movies and relaxing. I told H to let us know if he needed anything.
I have not changed my mind about insisting on change, as I shared in my last post. I will not spend another year in limbo. I found myself these past few weeks wanting to move forward with my plans, but bit my lip until Christmas passed. A few days after, I approached H again about it. I asked him if he had thought any about what we talked about. He said, I guess we have to decide which method to use, paralegal or attorneys, he said it's up to me. He said it's up to what I want, that I can have whatever I want, he doesn't want to fight.
I told him, I want him to say he doesn't want this, but if he can't do that, then we need to move forward. He was quiet. I said ok, so can I give you some paperwork? Wait here. I ran upstairs and he yelled out at me, that I sure seem like I know what I want!! In a mad way. Does he make any sense!?!
So I had some handouts that I had pulled up, a step by step list of the steps of divorce. I gave it to him and said it will be helpful to know what to expect. We chatted a little more, him saying he wants me and S to stay in the house, he is open to child support and alimony. He said he just wants to make sure we are taken care of. I am thinking, is this coming from guilt or is he dying?? But kept my mouth shut. At one point, he asked me, do you really know what you want? I said yes, I have for the last 4 years. He looked exasperated, was quite, then looked at me and said, we just have too many differences. I said ok, that's fine, he feels what he feels, and I intend to be fair through this process.
New Years Eve was quiet. S and I celebrated at home, we did not hear from H the entire weekend. I saw him the day after and he was grey in color and looked about 60 years old, just horrible. Ends up he had an ear and sinus infection.
I took the last few days off while S is out of school. I have used the time to move forward on this. I almost feel like I can't make it happen fast enough, which is very different for me. Fear has been replaced by anticipation. I don't want to rush it though, and I want things handled right. So I have been doing tons of research and spoke with 2 paralegals. Since H and I are in agreement with no disputes, this should be the inexpensive way to go. They will calculate what each of us are entitled to and we can decide what we want. They will take care of all the paperwork, and if needed, we can have an attorney review before finalising. I provided H with all this info.
I also spoke to a CPA and was advised to file our taxes separately. Yippee!!! No more doing H taxes for him. It will actually benefit us both and I was kind enough to schedule an appt for both of us to have our taxes done, but then he is on his own! He thanked me and agreed to the appt, but he did ask me if maybe I could do the separate taxes myself? I told him no, having never done it where write offs are split, I want the CPA to do my taxes this year to make sure it's done right, but he can do his taxes however he wishes. He said he will keep the tax appt.
I'm not sure he knows what has hit him! Reality? The real world? It's all new for me too but my mindset is fully on breaking away from this situation and starting a new life beginning with continued healing and self exploration. I am taking the weight off my shoulders as much as I can, and although it all cost money, I look forward to others handling things for me.
Once in a while, I have asked myself, M, are you sure you are ready for this? You can always continue to do nothing, we know H won't do anything... and I immediately feel anxiety. There is no longer anything in me to drag this out anymore. I want more than anything to be free from this, free to move on. I will say, I'm not sure this is my answer to do that, but I do think it's a big start.
So that's my update. I feel a little melancholy but overall I am feeling ok. I am taking lots of time to have quiet time to think. I am walking a lot and eating well, making sure to take care of myself, even if I have to force it.
Bttrfly, HW and Job, my amazing friends, thank you for your concerns and support.
We have a snow trip in Feb. and H still plans on coming. I booked a beach house in April and am counting the days for that. My goal is to take one step at a time, decide which paralegal to use, keep the peace for S, and continue to take care of myself. 2018 will be my year for change and I feel good about it.
Hugs to everyone M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
