Wife wont admit to affair, its driving me nuts! 2

[Morbo]

Wow, onto 2nd thread.
Here's the first...

Wife wont admit to affair PT 1

Thanks Surfer, Vanilla and Another Stander for all the recent advice.

Surfer said

Keep it up dude. I really admire what you are doing because I have done it and so have many, many others here and you will be fine. But you must stay hard focussed on your goals. And I don’t mean you need to be very prescriptive. Some need long lists. Personally, I needed to NC and stay out of any fights. Get to bed early; sleep well and exercise as much as you can.

You have incredibly switched on people here. Sandi in particular will tell you how the WW works. She is like a wizard - how does he know, because she was one! I don’t ever read anything but ‘adores’ for that lady. And V is a clinical thinker. Amazingly intelligent and a didactically talented person. She sees what she has expereinced from he abused party’s perspective. That lady is smart.

Me; I can only tell you what I know happened and how I reacted to very similar situations. What worked and didn’t.

You’ll be fine ultimately. However, do not underestimate the resolve you need and focus on some simple goals for now. Superyou, superdad and NC - certainly no acceptance tonrollercoaster invites.

Resolve is good, NC going fine. Detachment/Exercise/GAL...check.

Its kinda easier because W absolutely f**kin HATES me right me now.
When we meet to exchange the girls she texts me so she doesnt have to get out of the car. She just glares at me or barely acknowledges me.
Talking is gone for now.
Just because I exposed her A to my family and I'm the bad guy.

Doing great otherwise with girls, they're happy but they do find it weird their moms attitude to dad. She should just OWN her s**t but that would mean she's the bad guy, all her reasons for the split would be meaningless, in her eyes.
I dont ask girls ANYTHING about, what they do with W, if they see OM, only what they offer up.

Got huge amount of support from family and friends who messaged from Facebook after seeing her rants about me. People are concerned for me.

Looking forward to the weekend, going out with buddies tonight.

My parents coming in less than 2 weeks too.
Its going to be emotional but we're all so excited!

Wondered where this is all headed though.
She, or OM have not contacted my family or friends to defend their
"innocence". I know if it was ME, being wronged, that would be the first thing I would do, but then again, she's got nothing and now my family know a lot of the details. I had two really nice emails from BILs' who knew family members who went thru similar experiences and they gave me great support and some good insights.

Have a great weekend, everyone

[Vanilla]

OK Morbo, have a restful weekend.

Will check in on you from time to time.

There are a few things I want to air with you about expectation and mind reading but they will wait until the weekend is done.

I personally don't do advice, just opinions.

Get great rest, GAL and extreme self care.

Hugs

V

[Morbo]

Yeah, I appreciate that V.

Your observations are great, very astute but a bit too brutally honest for me sometimes.
Thank you for letting me enjoy my beers tonight, haha

I'm looking forward to talking to you soon.

Have a great weekend :-)

[Surfer]

Hope you had a good catch up chap!

Take care.

Surfer.

[Morbo]

Hope you had a good catch up chap!

Hey Surfer, had a good night although I had a bit of a wobbly when I saw a barmaid the image of my wife when she was younger, a cool, bohemian, sexy chick with bandana and beautiful eyes. A LOT different than my current corporate, cranky wife who hates me.

Anyway, got a little depressed for a while. I really miss a companion.
I really wanted to keep drinking and go to a club and probably do some dumb s**t, drive home drunk or bang a floozie, lol. My friends looked after me though, we got food and went home. Good decision, I dont need a DUI or worse.

Next day, I made a big set of goals after a long morning run.
Personal, my girls, health,career, summer holidays, savings etc.


I even read over the emails W had sent me earlier this week about me being despicable for telling my family about W. They didnt upset me half as much and she's just guilting me completely. I had a good read on emotional affairs and W ticks every box even if she thinks she doesnt. I dont regret anything I've done in the last month and I definitely feel more in control and happier.

Also, just read this absolute gem from Sandi that she posted recently. It is so on the money, it made me gasp and smile a few times. We're so lucky to have her on this board.
Its a bit long but TOTALLY worth the read.

Sandi wrote

" Now, you tell me what picture comes to mind when you think of how dumping her looks? If your only answer is getting a divorce, then you need to learn something about women.....especially a WW. Get your body out of that house and GAL like crazy. Give her no details. As long as someone can reach you in case of an emergency, that's all that is necessary. You don't discuss what, where, when or who with her. Understand? Mystery draws the WW and it helps distract her focus on other wayward issues. But it is not all for her, it's for you, most of all.

Listen closely. A WW thinks she no longer wants you for the man in her life. However, she doesn't want anyone else to have him. She does not want to be replaced by another woman in his life! Am I telling you to make her jealous by flirting or dating other women? No, I'm not. I'm telling you to GAL b/c that is the one thing that will bring back your old confidence and help you to think in a more balanced manner. It helps to distract your every thought on your WW. It also makes you much more of an interesting man! Not only in the eyes of others, or even in your own eyes.....but also the eyes of your WW. The fact that she may wonder what is distracting your time, interest and energy.....is just a plus benefit. Women are jealous of their man, and curious by nature. That's why so many questions. Your W won't tell you, but I will.
Naturally, her first thoughts will wonder if you've met some OW. Why wouldn't she think so, when her mind is on her own wayward sh't? Let her think whatever, you don't have time to discuss nonsense. You are having too good of a time, enjoying whatever the heck you want to do without having to consider her feelings. At least, that's the perception she'll have. Now, in your logical brain, this makes no sense.....right? Guess what? She's not logical. A WW has a jealous need for control, she doesn't want to give up. And I'll add another part to this mess.....which is the fact that you gave her that control. Therefore, she wants to tell you everything to do and not do .....even if she doesn't want you for a H. crazy Most wives want to know nearly every move you make and the surrounding details. That's what women do! But, add waywardness to her, and it increases a hundredfold.

Therefore, your plan of action needs to be an attitude and behavior that screams LRT. The last resort technique is not getting a divorce! You stop trying to please this woman. You stop working on the MR. Shocker, right? Well, just stop it. Why? B/c you act like a man without b@lls when you are bending over backwards trying to convince her your M is worth saving. What she needs to see is a man she is putting out on the market, and will be free for the taking. She needs to see a MAN worth saving. How many years has it been since she saw that young hotshot guy full of confidence? Yeah, that guy, that's who she wanted, remember? What happened? And, don't give me that "I got married", cr@p. You changed yourself! You buckled down to whatever she wanted, didn't you? You became a female version of your old self. You think the way to solve the problem is having more R talks with her. Straight women don't want a female spouse, they want a man who has b@lls. Oh sure, she'll act as if she doesn't like it when you show them.....but she loves b@lls. Why do you think she took yours and keeps them in her purse?

Now, you have got to find that manly man you use to be.......and you find him without her help or approval. Her approval doesn't matter to you finding your manhood again. You didn't need her to become that guy in the first place, so I'm sure you'll figure out how to do it again. And, may I add......it surely doesn't take another woman to help you find him. At least, I hope it doesn't. Doesn't hurt a guy to hear a compliment from a pretty lady, or see one that is checking him out. It helps the bruised ego. But, you are too vulnerable to act on anything from another woman, right now. Oh, and FWIW, don't feel as if you need to explain everything I've told you with your WW, including how you won't look at another skirt unless you are officially divorced. She is wayward, let her think whatever about you. LBH's explain way too much!

Have you read all the WW threads? Are you following the suggestions on the first page of the first thread? You cannot become the attractive male who excites her, unless you can enforce tough love. Being military, I would think you could appreciate how that works in gaining respect. When a woman becomes your W, a funny little thing happens. You see, God had this sense of humor........well, never mind. Woman was designed to where her desire was tied to her respect for her H. You see, God had this plan that man should.........well, never mind. Anyway, if the wife loses respect for her H.....she loses her desire for him. All the attraction, chemistry, interest, loving feelings.....everything goes down the drain. And, it's replaced with some nasty, negative feelings. She may say she feels dead, but she is referring to positive emotions for you. She feels plenty, but it's not good. So, why would she want to listen or follow a man she doesn't respect? Why should she stay in a dead MR where she feels like she her life is going to waste and she's missing out on true happiness.....somewhere out there. The special ingredient that is missing, is her lack of respect. She's got to see you as a MAN, and respect you as you as a man, before she'll emotionally accept you into her heart and respect you as her H. Understand? It happened once, it can happen again. One thing in your favor, you have a history together. So, don't give up just yet.

Okay, so all you have to do now is to let her watch from the sidelines. You don't have to be a big fake. For goodness sake, be real, or you'll get nowhere. You don't have to try to get her to see or know what you are doing. Trust me on that on that one, okay? Women know when you are dumping them, even without the formal paperwork. When Brad Pitt fell for Angelina, Jennifer Aniston said that she knew, before Brad dumped her. She said he was "gone" from the moment he met Angelina. Again, not trying to get you involved with another woman, just making a point that your W will know when you emotionally dump her. And if you want to add salt to it.....be somewhat of a charming bloke about it. That'll kill her. But only if you look like Brad Pitt.

So, what comes after she senses you dumping her? She will try all sorts of emotional temperature checks to assure herself she can still manipulate your feelings or actions. When that doesn't work (and it will take several times), she will realize what she's lost.....and that it is probably too late to change your mind. After that drives homes to the pit of her heart, she'll begin to give a hard, unselfish, look at herself. She'll have to take ownership of how she tore the M apart, how she selfishly discarded something precious to seek something that was shallow and destructive to those she loves and to herself. She has to stop blaming her H for any of it. When she is broken.....then she can go to him. She may have to find him, but she can. She needs to humbly apologize, even if it's the hardest thing she's ever done. He didn't deserve what she's done and she feels a lot of remorse for it. If he'll give her another chance to work to on the MR, she'll do whatever he says. She knows she loves him, respects him, and wants him. But, it's his decision if he will take a chance on her. She understands if he says it's too late. His part is not to let her off too easily, by letting her back without doing the required work. What I've described in this paragraph is just her emotional breakthrough and how she needs to feel humble and remorseful and approach him to apologize and ask for another chance. The real work comes after this point. smile

That's pretty much the nutshell version of it. It takes longer than expected to play out, in most cases. So you see, you really do hold more power than you thought. You just have to have the courage to exercise it. "

FRickin awesome, thanks Sandi! :-)

[neffer]

That´s it. Feel the power of the force? DB basics are in Sandy statement. The rock n roll of DB is there. Use it.

[reframe]

I don't have much useful to add, just chiming to say a lot of us get it. My wife was/is my best friend of a decade, who I confided everything in.

It's touch going through something (Her) that I can't discuss with her.

[Morbo]

W came over with the kids and the other dog.
I agreed to take for a few days because they've been apart for over a week and they were always inseperable. Its no big deal.

W gets out of car, does not acknowledge me. I say hello but she completely ignores me in front of the kids and then rushes to get away.
I wave goodbye and am totally nice.

This does hurt me though. Knowing her, she is going to just keep this up indefinitely because she's stubborn as f**k.
Just because I've told my family about her A she is raging at me. Yeah, HER affair.
She's definitely pushing the buttons. Looking for me to react in my usual way I guess.
It took all my willpower not to react and send her a text or email.

Guuuhhhh

[Morbo]

Ok, I know I'm labouring the point, but...

So, I'm going to try to stay NC but I'm really feeling the
need to throw a few "truth darts" at W.
She's doing this whole, "I'm deeply offended, how you could you do this to me" and she's on her moral high horse right now.
I want to send her the pic of her and OM (just friends) looking very happy, cheek to cheek, that she doesnt know I have and also call her out that whatever I've done to the marriage, she's destroyed everything and damaged everybody for life with her affairs.

What kills me is her stubborness, selfishness and inability to apologize but thats always been there I guess.

[petri]

Morbo: stick to your guns! You don't want lower yourself to her level. I'm tempted about confronting W about a lot. I've also done that but it hasn't got me anywhere. Me getting a short good feeling and "puff" back to square 1.