When there's a third party in the marriage, even when one of the spouses isn't aware of the third party, it sets up a totally different dynamic. Communication becomes disrupted, augments don't seem to be resolved, and worst of all, consciously or unconsciously, there's often some gas-lighting perpetrated by the offending spouse.
Where I'm going with this is, you've taken a lot of responsibility for your anger and defensiveness. You've been fingered as the bad guy. I think she's hanging you out do dry. Look, you're being set-up to take the fall. She's playing you big-time. It's time to step up and take charge.
I think we're going mediated on this. I will contact a lawyer that was recommended, but I REALLY want to avoid litigation. And of course I will have my lawyer read it over before final agreement, but hopefully all of the work will come from mediation, and the lawyer is just a sanity check.
She's the one who makes more money, but we're both fairly comfortable. Living singly is going be be rough, but we were very comfortable together.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Look, she's already trying to get better than 50-50 with the children because of your "anger issues." She's a cool and calm player. You need to wake up fast or you're going to get your @ss kicked.
Almost never at work. Like, once or twice in 8 years at work, and it was me getting super mad about something, not me yelling at the person who made me mad. It is with family. And yes, it is a control thing. Using anger to get them to do what I want. I recognize this and am dealing with it. It was something my Mom did to me as a kid, so I need to break the cycle and do it as soon as possible. I am in weekly IC for it, working hard, and making progress that is tamgible to me. My friends have noted progress, even, in that I seem less wound up.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
OK so this isn't an anger issue at all. It's a control issue. If it's not happening in all areas of your life then it isn't malfunctioning anger, boundaries are king this in place.
Well done for acknowledging that.
Different peeps use different mechanisms to gain control, some use poor me, others their looks etc etc. You use anger.
Make sure you are tackling the right issue, control usually arises from lack of self love, feeling that we are not enough. Sounds like you have the knowledge to know that it is from FOO and it's patterning.
There are various therapies including DBT. Are you having DBT or schema therapy?
I don't see any wayward elaments in your W. Frankly if she wanted to walk away from a controller that's within her right for her own sake. She seems quite grounded and is a walkaway far as I can determine.
Do not treat a walkaway as if they were wayward. A walkaway is classic DB. Sandi guidelines are wonderful with a walkaway, print them off, gracious even laminate them.
The more you try to control her leaving the worse it will be.
Be friendly, show you know the issue and are making big permanent shifts. Not changes they are temporary. It will take a long time to turn yourself around and your sitch.
As far as I can you have my support to change the control issue. Sometimes education can help a great deal, learning how this works. I can recommend Al Turtle on the master principle. I love Al Turtle who writes on boundaries in a way that teenagers can understand.
Control is an expectation that life should be a certain way and when it's not crazy eight behaviour occurs, such as anger leading to rage.
There are expectations which are completely untrue beliefs and need addressing:
1. Life should be fair.
2. Opportunities will fall into my laphone or I deserve the best
3. Everyone should like me or love me or respect me or ....
4. People should agree with me, so much so my spouse and family can't have their own views if they disagree with mine, I am always right
5. People know my views they can mind read and if they don't do what I say or even think they don't love me
6. I’m going to fail and if I do its your inadequacy that caused it because I am always right and if I am not it's because you didn't do what I wanted
7. Things will make me happy or its your job to make me happy, if I am not happy that's your fault for not doing what I needed you to do
8. I can change him/her if they don't do 1 to 7 above. I don't really need to change permanently do I? because really these issues aren't me.
Even pretence at shift is control.
Truly the only person you can control is yourself, get to it.
My thoughts
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
