Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[Zues126]

First of all, there is nothing on that list that is unrealistic and that every man couldn't meet. Each item involves his will. If he couldn't help it, then his W would tend to be more forgiving. Perhaps you see it as unrealistic standards or expectations, but as a woman, I see nothing that requires supernatural abilities. And, I don't believe all men are guilty of these actions.

I appreciate the conversation Sandi.

I can't speak for all men, so I'll just speak for myself. Personally I know that I can't live up to that list of standards. Reading it felt as if I was looking at a job description and the "required experience" began listing degrees and prior titles that were well beyond me so I didn't bother sending in a resume.

Compare it to setting boundaries. I won't live in a MR where my H abuses me. If I state this boundary to my H and he continues to be abusive.....are you saying it is my fault, b/c I failed to do my part of forgiving and letting go of my expectations of living in a safe environment? What if he turns to criminal activity or places our family in danger? Is that my fault? If he refuses to work and provide for the family, is it b/c I did not appreciate him enough? I believe each spouse is responsible for their own actions.

I agree each person has to have personal boundaries they don't waiver on. I think we can all agree that physical abuse and infidelity are crossing those boundaries and are behaviors that can't be forgiven and accepted.

Then it just becomes a matter of how many deal breaker boundaries there are. If those boundaries help people stay out of harms way and protect themselves, great. If they lead to a string of failed relationships, disappointments, stories of abusive ex's, and frustration that they can't find the person they know is out there for them, at some point it begs the question of whether these boundaries are serving or hindering that person.

This thread is precious information and does speak to the heart of the matter of divorce though. When I entered my marriage I was naive and didn't know about this list of boundaries and requirements. I thought marriage was forever barring abuse and adultery so I felt shocked, betrayed, and heartbroken when my XW left me.

Since then I've come to understand I don't meet today's relationship standards. This has been one of the most important lessons I've learned from my experience and these forums. To the two women I've had long term relationships with I have been dumped as the abuser because I didn't meet expectations. From my perspective they are unrealistic. To me it stops mattering which is 'right or wrong', the moral is I know I'm not a good fit for a modern relationship. Knowing this I have chosen to remain single so I don't hurt myself or others trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

I'm sure it's easy to say 'man up and become a better man so you fit everything on this list, it's not that hard'. I agree if a man is able to do that then that is outstanding. For those that can't it at least helps to be aware of this so we can act accordingly.