I'm sorry, but it is time for you to "man up". I don't know that I have ever heard, read or seen something as awful as what this man said to you, much less in front of your daughter. Make sure to note the particulars in a journal you should be keeping about his behaviors, visits, etc. Keep every email and text and think about your own communications as something that will be attached to a pleading and made publicly available. This helps me immensely in not writing things I will regret.
If collaborative divorce works in your state the way it does in mine, then I have concerns for you. Generally, with collaborative, if the parties are not able to reach agreement through the mediation, then the parties have to find new counsel, which means paying more money and bringing another counsel up to speed.
Your husband sounds extremely narcissistic. KML and I both have experience dealing with this sort of individual. Do some reading on narcissists and divorce. In particular, disordered people do not make good candidates for mediation. However, they are also horrific to deal with if you are the one filing, which is why my lawyer continues to urge me not to file (that and my H has thus far been giving me significantly more money than I am likely to get in court and that I even requested).
Make sure you hire an attorney who understands dealing with narcissists. I'm not trying to scare you, but this is not going to be a "normal" divorce in all likelihood and you need to prepare yourself for that fact.
I would try, as subtly as possible, to suggest to him that since he is the one keen for the divorce, that he file it. When narcissists are in control of the process, or believe that they are, then the process runs more smoothly.
It sounds like you do need some option however. In my state, I don't need to file for divorce. The first time he fails to pay me in a given month I plan to file for support, as KML indicated.
I am a little curious about the agreement you mentioned. Was it signed during the last separation or this one? Does it discuss what happens if you co-habitate afterward? Does it have force of law, meaning that you can enforce it in the court? Many times a separation contract can become the terms for a divorce (in my state there is a statute providing exactly that, but I am pretty much in the best state in the US to be a woman divorcing).
It is not acceptable for him to fail to provide support because of his extensive repairs to the big house.
I believe you sound like an abuse victim and you believe the things he tells you. The fact that you still want to be with this man is somewhat concerning. Have you looked for any sort of abuse counselor? They could at least make a determination about whether they think you have been the victim of abuse.
I hope you are reading up on how disordered people abuse through gaslighting, withholding, projection, etc. There are also concepts such as the Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance that can affect your perception. Please look into these things.
Nicole you can't sit by and do nothing or freeze in the face of fear. Your daughter needs you to be strong now and to support her. You can do this. If you couldn't, you wouldn't be here asking for help.
It goes without saying that you should not discuss this site, efforts to save your marriage, concerns about his mental health, your strategies for divorce, or indeed even your future plans with him. This man does not have your best interests at heart right now.
I hope you don't find this too harsh, but I am very concerned for you based on what I have read about your situation.
