AS: Maybe the post I just made has some bearing on what I wrote. I'm contacting my attorney regarding any kind of legal protection I might be able to get.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thank you for the honesty and it makes a great deal of difference to the support we can give you.
This is now antisocial behaviour and triangulation. Until this point I have not seen this in your sitch.
Triangulation in your case is using a third party agency to get in the middle. I am afraid it's classic tactics. And trust me it's awful behaviour as you are experiencing it.
So this does go beyond WW behaviour and into abuse.
Locking yourself in the bathroom is ideal, absolutely.
I like the fact that this was moderated by a third party. Please ensure you get the notes from that third party.
This is very important and I can not emphasise it enough. Get those notes have them corrected if they are off beam.
Do not leave your home. If she pulls this again then lock yourself in the bathroom. Record what she does when she tries to provoke you. It's abuse and she can be removed from the marital home.
Get yourself a protection order immediately as an emergency measure.
Surfer is spot on with his analysis and he has lived this too.
Where to go for support?
Obviously convo with your L ensure your L has experience with high conflict issues. Google Cordell who have resources on their website relating to D conflict. Try domestic violence and divorce podcast. False accusations.
This [censored] big time, having been through this I know that you keep calm. You have done nothing wrong, these accusations are false and making false claims is itself a criminal charge.
In your circumstances you will have to be proactive.
This is worse than initially described. And it hurts your heart unbelievably, I know so. Thankfully WH eventually left and the in house S in these circumstances is awful.
What I have observed is that it comes in waves, a large grand finale followed by a period of silence, then another gesture, be prepared and record. If possible film it.
If I could reach through and give you a hug at this point I would do so.
I am here.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Everything she says now will be an attempt to argue. Keep out of it. Just do not engage and give her a standard - I am not in the mood for this type response.
Try and stay in a different room as much you can. Get to bed early and just avoid her in the evening. In the morning get up and get to work with minimal contact.
If you are feeling you are losing it try an app called ‘headspace’. It’s free.
Exercise and do not cave in.
I have just ended a 4 hr car journey and need to spend some time with family birthday party. I will send you a more detailed note later.
What state do you live in? Do you jointly own or rent your house? Do you have a mortgage together Have you locked down you accounts so your WW can not withdraw your marital assets (cash) Work out what she can access
Obviously I am pointing you towards securing your finances. Where are you with it?
I will drop you a note later.
Stay calm and do not let her get in your head. That is her aim. Do not let her.
Final point. She may try to goad you to hit her - you must not. Of course.
Read about the drama triangle. Google ‘theremin trees’. Also ‘eric byrne the games people play’.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Yes, you are in the danger zone. I’ve done it. I am now happy and my kids are. My wife is still the same but our R is better. Forget the danger zone, just know you can and will get through it. You absolutely have this, NC is bang on.
Get out alive is a bit strong. She will only about and rage most likely. She can do nothing else if you stay calm, if you stay out of her way she can’t really do that.
Suggest you keep your phone next to you in case you wish to pick it up and say “Stop this now, I am not going to get involved in arguing, I can film you doing this if you like!”
She is only frustrated like a teenager told she can’t go out. That is it. Keep that in your mind. Trivialise her actions don’t feer her. She is not bad, just frustrated and angry. Look at her with eyes of pity rather than anger.
If you need to say anything that validates. “Oh dear”, “yes I get it” type things. Don’t engage though she will have you in an argument In not time. Only she’s wins in this. This is the drama triangle. It’s a game. The only way you win is to exit the game. Don’t play it. See below. Not watched this in full - there are others.
You can not win this one either - if she states the 3rd party (ie a sympathetic party). She will rig the fight if she can.
Got to pop back to my family stuff. Will check in later.
Don’t freak about all this. I have done it. She is just trying to pressurise you. Do not fold. Just do a bit of ‘meh’!
Will catch up later.
Surfer.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/05/1810:13 AM. Reason: links removed
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Please do not respond to her messages, you do this to avoid conflict. That means the less contact you have then the less conflict, the less misinteretation there will be. Please stay Schtum. Keep her messages too. Most of them are designed to provoke or make you slip up. It's very easy to get tone in texts misinterpreted.
Have you spoken to your L? Have you filed an order of protection?
Do you have your incident report? Dealing with this requires you to stay calm and take action.
Be safe please be safe.
I have been in your position treading on eggshells. Ducking and diving, hiding out. Locking my door when I am in the house. Eating food in my room. Planning my schedule accordingly. It's the worst time of all. And I didn't have children in the mix. It took careful management but eventually WH left. His then OW didn't want him so he tried to regain control of the MH. Only my non molestation (UK version of order of P) order prevented him getting occupation. I understand this is tricky and destructive to the spirit. It's early days yet. Breathe. See how WW behaves and record, record and record.
False allegations are domestic abuse and hard to deal with. Your L needs to know that this is possible in your sitch. You already have a third party who found this unproven and that's great if you have the documents.
Sadly yes you are in the danger zone, 1 in 7 men experience partner violence and abuse. Know this, I believe you. And it's much tougher for men to get the support they need IRL. At this point you can file for an order of protection, the balance is on your side. Mustardseed WH filed an order against her on quite flimsy grounds as a tactic and it can be difficult for the spouse who has this filed against them. Please, please consider an order of protection it's the strong thing to do.
If your L isn't supportive you may need to talk to a criminal lawyer to get advice and act quickly.
Many men don't take the necessary steps at this stage to protect themselves fearing this will anger the WW or that it is somehow unmanly or lacks balls to have been abused. Think of yourself as a target of a strategic campaign rather than a victim and you will understand how this works. It's a plan to get you safely to the other side intact and with your life able to flow. That's strong and very manly indeed.
This is a terrible thing to say I know but you are a statistic, an unlucky statistic in this.
Do not despair, there are others who have got to the other side of their abusive sitches with a marvellous life of hope and joy. The remarkable and enigmatic surfer is one, Schermann another.
There was another poster called Joe here whose WW ran a sex trade business from their home with children and step children living in the same house. In house S was hell for him, I am very pleased to report he is a happy grandfather and has all of the children (including step children) around him.
Breathe, detach and do all you can to protect yourself.
Mustardseed, Ancaire, Zelda, Joe, Surfer and Schermann are all thriving after domestic abuse. V in my sitch is still ongoing with endless triangulation using the courts, false filings, manipulations of legal systems. I am though happier than I have ever been.
It's ok to take advice, it's okay to be anxious and in due course to be angry.
Post back to me if you want more chat. I will check in on you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
