Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[sandi2]

I'd say they are excuses for why a WW loses respect for her H.

It is about focusing on what you can do to be the best spouse to your partner you can be. And it is about forgiving their shortcomings.

I am a little surprised by Your and Thread's reaction about most men having these behaviors. Whether this list seems to be legitimate reasons or flimsy excuses, they are nevertheless, what I have seen, read, and heard that destroy a W's respect.

I can't completely agree about the disrespect being on the wife. Yes, in many things we need to forgive and move forward instead of holding resentment. However, the behaviors on this list are those that continue, in spite of the W's pleas, forgiveness, etc. Some actions can be seen more serious than others, but each one can take a toll in destroying the respect of the wife, if the H refuses to correct it. I have seen several long suffering women who had mean husbands, and no matter how sweet and forgiving the W was, it had no bearing on his behavior.

I agree about the importance of forgiving shortcomings. However, I do not see the items on this list as "shortcomings". Except for maybe very few, they are the H's intentional, ongoing actions upon his W and/or children. Forgiveness does not change or fix a problem in the other spouse.

So when a WW loses respect for her H, to me that is on the WW, not on the H. She failed to do her part of forgiving, letting go of her expectations, finding her own happiness in the appreciation for what she has.

Compare it to setting boundaries. I won't live in a MR where my H abuses me. If I state this boundary to my H and he continues to be abusive.....are you saying it is my fault, b/c I failed to do my part of forgiving and letting go of my expectations of living in a safe environment? What if he turns to criminal activity or places our family in danger? Is that my fault? If he refuses to work and provide for the family, is it b/c I did not appreciate him enough? I believe each spouse is responsible for their own actions.

So when a WW loses respect for her H, to me that is on the WW, not on the H. She failed to do her part of forgiving, letting go of her expectations, finding her own happiness in the appreciation for what she has. This is not a failing of the H for failing to live up to standards that no man can meet.

First of all, there is nothing on that list that is unrealistic and that every man couldn't meet. Each item involves his will. If he couldn't help it, then his W would tend to be more forgiving. Perhaps you see it as unrealistic standards or expectations, but as a woman, I see nothing that requires supernatural abilities. And, I don't believe all men are guilty of these actions.

I wonder if you are seeing this as a case where the H does one of these acts carelessly and the W refuses to forgive him. If so, then I did not make myself clear. If the H tries to do better and his W will not forgive him, etc., then of course, that's a problem that leads to resentment. However, he should not be excused to mistreat her and say it is on her.

Again, I do think this list is valuable for men that are married. As long as you have a committed partner these are noble qualities to strive for, and this is where our focus should be as men (as opposed to harboring resentment for how our wives fall short on their lists). They are good things to consider when identifying 180s for those standing by their M during a family crisis. But unfortunately for most women these qualities have evolved from ideals to expectations to deal breakers.

BTW, I realized I had to forgive my H for the things I resented for so many years, and I chose to show him respect. I don't think the couple can go forward without forgiveness and change.

I appreciate your thoughts, and I hope more people will join in the conversation.