Adjusting to being a LBS....

[Subitai]

Most of what I've seen is that it lasts anywhere from a few months to a year or two, and falls apart when somebody gets into a serious relationship and their new partner is not thrilled with sharing space with the ex. Then a new normal needs to be adopted.

Hey man, you could all hang together and smoke weed and call it a commune. That way, no one has to move. But, that arrangement would probably only last until there's no more weed.

Maybe you could become a Mormon?

Not a fan of weed or religion, so those are both out for me. *shrug*

[doodler]

Not a fan of weed or religion, so those are both out for me. *shrug*

Subitai,

The same for me, but some hippie women have a certain appeal.

You should check out Physics Girl on YouTube. She's a bit nerdy, with just a touch of hippie, but she's d@mn cute.

[AnotherStander]

Yes, it's called Bird Nesting.

Interesting. Thanks for the info, I've never heard of that before! Seems like it would work better if the two spouses had separate apartments, but I honestly can't imagine going back to that apt. and wondering who my W had there the previous week and what they were doing. And how well they cleaned up afterwards. Just seems really, I don't know, oogie!

Most of what I've seen is that it lasts anywhere from a few months to a year or two, and falls apart when somebody gets into a serious relationship and their new partner is not thrilled with sharing space with the ex.

Yeah I can definitely see that being an issue.

[Subitai]

Not a fan of weed or religion, so those are both out for me. *shrug*

Subitai,

The same for me, but some hippie women have a certain appeal.

You should check out Physics Girl on YouTube. She's a bit nerdy, with just a touch of hippie, but she's d@mn cute.

Nerdy is good. I should get my daughter watching her channel. Seems like a decent choice.

Yes, it's called Bird Nesting.

Interesting. Thanks for the info, I've never heard of that before! Seems like it would work better if the two spouses had separate apartments, but I honestly can't imagine going back to that apt. and wondering who my W had there the previous week and what they were doing. And how well they cleaned up afterwards. Just seems really, I don't know, oogie!

Yah, it entails a great deal of respect. We're in a studio now, but if it looks like it might work out, I would move to a 2-bedroom so you have your own 'doin the nasty' space, in theory. I'm still in the "there appears to be no OM" space, so I'm not too worried about it in the short term. We may have a "no dating at the apartment" rule, too, we just haven't gotten everything set up for the separation agreement.

As for me, I'm not in the right space for a relationship, and I'm too old to hit the clubs looking for a 1NS.

Most of what I've seen is that it lasts anywhere from a few months to a year or two, and falls apart when somebody gets into a serious relationship and their new partner is not thrilled with sharing space with the ex.

Yeah I can definitely see that being an issue.

It will require some serious work for detaching while sharing space, but it should be easier than detaching while being in the same house.

[Subitai]

Aaaaand just had DC, and she's all back to business, and in fact was questioning if she should have more than 50/50 split with the kids due to my anger.

Kept my calm, validated, and listened. Then talked about what I was doing for my anger. Still on 50/50 after the DC.

[Subitai]

Feeling really low today. Yesterday at DC, we were trying to figure out what to say to the kids when we tell them about the separation. I said the main reason was my anger and her feeling like any changes I make now would be self serving. Then she said, yes, but also that I was mean to her. A lot. And that she was mean to me, and that's not what she wants in a relationship. She can't imagine being 80 and still living with somebody who's mean to her and who she is mean to. This "why would you be mean to somebody you love?" was the main driver for getting her to the D stage. I remember these things, of course, but I remember a lot of good things, too. She seems to only remember the mean things.

And I can't talk about the good things. I can't remind her of anything, or she gets upset and angry.

Feeling very goddamn low.

[Verum]

Feeling really low today. Yesterday at DC, we were trying to figure out what to say to the kids when we tell them about the separation. I said the main reason was my anger and her feeling like any changes I make now would be self serving.

I hope this doesn't mean you're going to give your kids specific reasons for the separation?

[Subitai]

I hope this doesn't mean you're going to give your kids specific reasons for the separation?

Oh no. The DC was trying to get us to articulate the problems ourselves so we could chop it down into something more kid friendly. We are not throwing eachother under the bus.

[doodler]

I said the main reason was my anger and her feeling like any changes I make now would be self serving. Then she said, yes, but also that I was mean to her. A lot. And that she was mean to me, and that's not what she wants in a relationship. She can't imagine being 80 and still living with somebody who's mean to her and who she is mean to. This "why would you be mean to somebody you love?" was the main driver for getting her to the D stage. I remember these things, of course, but I remember a lot of good things, too. She seems to only remember the mean things.

Subitai,

I read the quote above and then I skimmed through your thread. I think there's a very high probability that there's an OM. It all sounds too familiar.

I know everyone says that it doesn't matter if there's an OM; the approach is still the same. The approach may be the same, but I think it does matter whether or not there's an OM. I think your wife has a main squeeze and it ain't you.

[Subitai]

Subitai,

I read the quote above and then I skimmed through your thread. I think there's a very high probability that there's an OM. It all sounds too familiar.

I know everyone says that it doesn't matter if there's an OM; the approach is still the same. The approach may be the same, but I think it does matter whether or not there's an OM. I think your wife has a main squeeze and it ain't you.

I just realized an important discussion from my previously and now deleted thread is missing from this one.

A few days after telling me she wanted a D, she said that she wouldn't consider dating other people now cheating, so I could if I wanted to. I thought it was an incredibly bizarre thing to bring up then. I guess that is a big red flag, but she's not doing a bunch of the other stuff that I hear about WWs doing, like raging and screaming, ignoring kids, taking time off unexpectedly.

She does get a lot of text messages, but she always has because of work.

I do not want to snoop.

She's clearly in Grass is Greener mode, for whatever reason. MLC, EA/PA, or just stubbornly hanging on to the decision because it'd feel too guilty to back out of it... who knows.

However it turns out, I guess I should just maintain DBing, 180ing, and my IC, and focusing on the kids.