Thank you guys, I do understand that I need to let it go. But I also want to keep good relationship. I do not want for a court to decide when I can visit my kids.
What bugs me a lot, that she even does not inform me how kids championship went. I did not want to ask, but then what father will I be, if I am not interested. I do not know how have to I address that. Sometimes she is nice and even caring, and two days from it - cold and ignorant.
Mav, I'm not and expert and have little experience with this, but it seems like it's reasonable for you to ask questions about your kids and continue to show your interest in them. My understanding is that DB mainly tells you to avoid relationship talks but I don't think it ever suggests avoiding discussions about your kids.
Mav - it's totally understandable that letting go and working on yourself and putting all the focus only on yourself seems like you're giving up. When we all got here and got that advice, it seemed really nutty. But, DBing is counter intuitive to what your mind is telling you to do.
How can you think that you're giving up when the other person refuses to work with you on the relationship? You could move mountains and bring a piece of the moon back for her and it wouldn't add up to anything.
You have to recognize that all you have control over is YOU. And you have to let her go on her path because nothing you will say or do right now, or even for the many many months will make a difference.
As it is said here, DB will help you save yourself, and it might save the relationship which would be a bonus. But, unless you can get yourself correct, the relationship has no chance for a meaningful reconciliation.
Just let her go and figure out your priorities in life and focus on that. It's not easy to flip this switch, but it takes time and concerted effort to get that focus clear.
I am 6ish months out from BD, and been separated for about 5 months - out of which 3 in my own new place. I finally feel I am at a place where I am truly working on my recovery. This takes time.
Whatever hope you have for recon, tuck that away in a lockbox and hide it somewhere deep in your heart. If she wants to open that box, you will know without a doubt and you can decide what to do next. So, I haven't given up, but I am not pinning my hopes on her to change her mind. I am moving forward with or without her with my life and doing everything I want to do.
Just hang in there and do some serious work on yourself. You got this!
Your post is really a very good advice. And I have to apologise, as I am a bit desperate today. What i do not understand, is how to handle the finance: I used not to give her money, it was one of her complaints, so shall I be more generous now? Not to "buy" her, but to help rebuilding the trust. Or what about housing? I live in a very small place which depresses me, shall I ask her to move out from our (my) house? It will be more expansive for me, but I will feel myself much more comfortable and probably better. But then again, kids love the house.
On one hand I do not want to piss her off, on the other, status quo seems not to be in my favour.
What i do not understand, is how to handle the finance: I used not to give her money, it was one of her complaints, so shall I be more generous now? Not to "buy" her, but to help rebuilding the trust.
It's like doing 180's. You don't do the opposite of everything, just 180 the things you need to change. You must use wisdom with the finances. Giving her more will not necessarily cause her to trust you. See what I mean? Do what you believe is fair to both sides.
Sticking to your word will gain her trust. When you don't try to stab in her in the back, or mistreat her for self gain, she'll know she can trust you. When she knows she can depend upon you (but not "use" you). In other words, if you tell her you will be somewhere on a certain date and time or that'll you do something.....she can depend on you following through with it. If you are in charge of something, she knows you'll do a great job. She doesn't have to worry about you squandering away your life's savings, or falling for some scam, or doing something irresponsible. She doesn't worry if you lie, b/c she can believe what you say. Trust comes in proving yourself over time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have to bebhonest, the advice ti let it go and just work yourself, while being the one I can implement in the long turm, seems like giving up.
Why does it feel like you are giving up? What can you do better?
You said you never gave her money. Do you mean before the breakup that you never gave her money for anything, or were you referring to after the breakup?
Currently, you are in panic mode. It wear you completely out and make you ill. These problems take time to work out. It usually takes much longer than you dreamed. Try to calm yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have to bebhonest, the advice ti let it go and just work yourself, while being the one I can implement in the long turm, seems like giving up.
Why does it feel like you are giving up? What can you do better?
Probably, looking for something to stop her alienating.
Quote:
You said you never gave her money. Do you mean before the breakup that you never gave her money for anything, or were you referring to after the breakup?
Before. She had to ask for me to give her money. When she needed to cover big expy, I always did, but she felt I forced her to ask instead of sharing.
Quote:
Currently, you are in panic mode. It wear you completely out and make you ill. These problems take time to work out. It usually takes much longer than you dreamed. Try to calm yourself.
Had a good Friday night with a friend and coule of cocktails.
So now it is Ok. In the morning I did not feel well.
