Mav - it's totally understandable that letting go and working on yourself and putting all the focus only on yourself seems like you're giving up. When we all got here and got that advice, it seemed really nutty. But, DBing is counter intuitive to what your mind is telling you to do.
How can you think that you're giving up when the other person refuses to work with you on the relationship? You could move mountains and bring a piece of the moon back for her and it wouldn't add up to anything.
You have to recognize that all you have control over is YOU. And you have to let her go on her path because nothing you will say or do right now, or even for the many many months will make a difference.
As it is said here, DB will help you save yourself, and it might save the relationship which would be a bonus. But, unless you can get yourself correct, the relationship has no chance for a meaningful reconciliation.
Just let her go and figure out your priorities in life and focus on that. It's not easy to flip this switch, but it takes time and concerted effort to get that focus clear.
I am 6ish months out from BD, and been separated for about 5 months - out of which 3 in my own new place. I finally feel I am at a place where I am truly working on my recovery. This takes time.
Whatever hope you have for recon, tuck that away in a lockbox and hide it somewhere deep in your heart. If she wants to open that box, you will know without a doubt and you can decide what to do next. So, I haven't given up, but I am not pinning my hopes on her to change her mind. I am moving forward with or without her with my life and doing everything I want to do.
Just hang in there and do some serious work on yourself. You got this!
