Thanks Sotto, Caz, and Maika. Yes this is the worst side of my husband and me as well.
I apologize everyone, I'm not trying to bombard this forum. Hopefully things will get under control soon, one way or another. But I find myself stuck between two options and I need to choose one.
One option will be to expedite the end to this marriage however detrimental it is to my health and psychological wellbeing. It seems my husband is fine with this option. He just wants to get rid of me at this point. But realistically I'm barely functioning right now. I can't even make a rational decision. There's no way I can face my husband in mediation these next few weeks and sit and talk without hysterically crying and probably ending up in the hospital because I'm barely making it right now. It might get my credit card bills paid, but will it fix the overall problems in our life? We still have to communicate to raise our daughter. We still have 11 years of history behind us. We're still linked in most aspects. I don't want to stick to a man who doesn't want me but I find myself desperately searching and wondering if there's a better way than this.
Then my thoughts shift to the fact that I've made so many mistakes recently. Due to my health and anxiety about everything I haven't been truly getting a life. When I did that two years ago my husband was back within eight weeks. This time I'm trying to stay busy and plan but mentally I'm not there. I'm not thinking or acting in a way that would make me attractive to anyone. I'm trying to look at myself objectively and believe I've been making major mistakes that have pushed my husband away further. On top of everything I'm so worried now about being in debt that now I've pressured my husband into divorce as an option to formalize this separation.
There's just the sheer agony of two years of a non-responsive, neglectful, cheating husband but I also recognize that all the major life stressors that we could face came at once. What if I take out a personal loan to pay my bills and cover my moving costs and just continue to stay separated until I'm stronger and more independent? Then file for divorce...
I don't know if I have that option now. My husband said he's done and he should have divorced me long ago, etc.. but I just wonder if I'd be better off being stronger first before ending the marriage, with that 1% glimmer of hope that possibly we were both not in our right minds and might see the light someday or if I should just expedite the end to something that wasn't meant to be.
I feel so lost. I'll see my therapist next week, will talk with friends, and would appreciate your input. I guess at the end of the day I need to decide for myself. Thanks again. I feel I took too much of everyone's time without properly responding to each of your thoughtful messages.
