New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Surfer]

Joe,

Apologies if this jumps around - I have been reading you back story so am responding to a few of your concerns (I hope).

You are now seeing her for what she is. She is WW not your W. She is all those things Sandi said and IMHO I doubt she will change back' - but she may (but don't work towards this - work towards being the best dad and version of you - "the most eligible man in town" as you quoted in an earlier post).

You have decided you don't want the WW and neither would I. I didn't and I filed.

Thoughts that may help (from exact experience):

- When you get angry and frustrated, as you have recently (which is 100% normal), you loose focus and wobble. Fully detaching is where she can not influence your moods through her actions. It is almost impossible to be 100% impervious but with practice you will improve. You will need this detachment as you move forward, in whatever way you do move forward, because you are parents together.

- When she tries to kick you out of bed. Stay put. My W tried to physically get me out (laughable now but, if I am honest, terrifying at the time). My W slept upstairs in the guest room for 2-3 years and attempted to start the D for no fault in house separation. I contested it - hoping we could R trying to DB. However, she was WW not WAS (I hoped for the former of course). However, I took control of the D which is important - as she was frankly using it as a tool to manipulate (i.e. delaying tactics etc).

- Once she was sleeping upstairs in another room she changed (looked seriously mentally unwell at times) she shifted from raging to raging level 10 - every night when the kids were in bed.

- Now the important bit. PROTECT your kids from her arguments/rages IMHO all children are vulnerable. They can all suffer from PTSD (as you can) if they see these fights even post D (should you go that way). If she tries to argue in front of kids, set the boundary - and if she does not halt, walk out. I know you are getting seriously good at doing this but you must never fail on this. She may try to follow you to pursue the argument. I have been pursued from room to room as I walked away and even locked myself in every bathroom we have had. Serious psycho behaviour and it looked really weak from my perspective - I could have left the house temporarily and did at times. As I loved her, I thought she could change. She could not and never will. She will have the same in her future R's I am 100% confident. Our R is now boundary city and she has much more respect for me as a result. For example, I have just put the phone down from an update on D's hospital visit and you would think we were still M. However, I am not going back there!!! Basically, my point is that your R will improve most likely but you will need to keep working on boundaries.

- Relevant for you now I guess, my WW offered this advice to me "Either you go, or I get somewhere else or move in with my parents". I said, "They sound like options for your to consider, not me". I had finances in lock down at this point. WW then accessed saving I had set aside in her name (a lot, stupidly) and the money and went. It cost a fortune in fairness but the point here is that I am still in MH and that is important from many perspectives. Particularly in terms of non-abandonment, child custody and finances.

- On the convenient baby sitter front. I had this, she went out lost weight (she has put it all, and more, back) started dressing sexy etc. Had wayward friends etc. If you can - don't do it. However, beware the WW becomes like a drug addict and will find a way. Therefore, expect repercussions and fireworks. The best thing to do is put the kids first, this is most important. Keep them from her harm - perhaps therefore take them away. Personally, I would take all the kids. I couldn't leave a step child to feel abandoned. Your call, but I think that would irk me (to say the least). The point is, she will go out anyway, no need to get involved. Just tell her she can do as she pleases why would you care - she is having an affair and you don't want a R with someone like that, you are too good for that.

- Exercise is your best friend Joe. It gives you time and space to clear that horrible mess that sometimes clouds your mind. It will all settle in time however.

Joe, this is the crappy bit (in house S). The really hard bit. You need to be the man you are now. You will need to control arguments by removing yourself from them, you will need to have NC as much as is possible and you will, most importantly need to stay really strong for your kids and you. I suffered the horrible cr@p you are suffering. However, I am now happy as much as the next man without this past.

You can do this and you will. Keep on doing what you are doing. You know what to do and how to do it. Just keep doing it. Yes you will have hard days, but just hit the gym or do what works.

Surfer.