First Post - Not Sure Where I'm Headed

[Natural]

Wow! The response on this post far exceeds my expectations. Thank you all! I will try to answer questions.

Gordie - Can you once and for all address your porn addiction? I don’t know much about it but assume there are programs available? Are there other issues?

Answer - I think so, I'm committed to it. An online SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) community made the most difference for me. Other issues include trust, money, fairness, and my 28-year-old stepson, who lives with us, does not pay rent, has had 2 DWIs, an addiction, and enough debt to buy a college education, but he never finished high school.

Kaizen - What kind of work are you doing in that sense (aside from, Im assuming, quitting porn cold turkey)?

Answer - I found Michele's online 90-minute divorce busting program and bought it immediately. I read a lot. I'll look into the SAA online community again.

Kaizen - Does she not work? Are you resentful? What has your home life been like for 30 years?

Answer - She works part time, and has through most of our 15+ year M. A year with no work at all. She worked about a year full time. Yes, I am resentful, somewhat, but resentment typically backfires. Guys I know who have non-working wives probably have triple my income. We've been married 15 years. For many of those, I worked too much. She felt ignored.

Kaizen - I assume this means that you are the one who was displaced from the master bedroom? Again, why?

Answer - I assume that it's normal that, when the W is angry, the H sleeps on the couch. Same thing with the master bathroom. Fighting would just make things worse.

Kaizen - Why would you keep apologizing?!

Answer - One of Michele's programs said "If you've had an affair, you may need to keep apologizing." For my W, my use of porn feels like an affair. When I'm honest with myself, I'm disgusted that I let her down repeatedly and hurt her that deeply.

KML - Was it a sex starved marriage because you turned to porn instead of your wife? Or did you turn to porn because she wasn't interested in sex?

Answer - It's complicated. Porn was the biggest factor. My W initiated sex often when we were first married. Then it seemed she wanted me to initiate all of it, when and how she wanted it. She didn't want it in the morning when I did.

KML - Were her threats of divorce over all these years about the porn, or were there other reasons she was unhappy? Or is this part of an unhealthy pattern she has?

Answer - All of the above. We often talked and laughed. But there were arguments - about my stepson (I wanted consequences, think she's enabling, etc.), communication, money, and stupid little stuff. She gained weight, blamed it on me, on the marriage.

KML - Do you have other addictions besides porn?

Answer - No. I quit tobacco ~ 7 years ago. Quitting porn was/is tougher.

KML - Why are you so financially strapped? Is this another issue in your marriage that needs to be addressed?

Answer - Circumstances. I got a 30% pay cut a year ago, then a 22% pay increase 2 months ago. Lots of medical bills (my diabetes, fungal infection). W is reluctant to work full time until she needs to buy her own home. Our home is plenty big enough for me to give her space.

Sandi2 - Unusual in what way?

Answer - As described above. I have: 1) a porn addiction; 2) a W who works part time, and 3) a 28-year-old step son who works full time, abuses substances, lives with us, accumulates debt, and pays no rent. (No, I'm not okay with that, but not willing to fight any more. Waiting for his rock bottom, bankruptcy, and surrender to treatment).

Petri - You say she has pulled the big D card for 13-14 years. Why has she done that? How did your addiction affect your M?

Answer - She would say she wanted a D when we argued. In years 2-8 of M, I think she mostly felt neglected. She got mad that I worked too much. Then my addiction set in. That has been the main thing driving the D.

I think I need to write that heartfelt apology letter to my W that Michele talked about in her DB video program, but I may wait a couple weeks for things to settle first. She has not filed for D yet, and has been nice to me lately. We have a legal service subscription and will probably make the first attorney contact together for that. Seems strange sort of strange, but she still depends on me for complex contract details. I'm the detailed one. She's driven by intuition.