Friends, your input is valuable. I was too upset and tired last night to write the details of what happened. Yesterday I spoke with a divorce lawyer and a mediator (separately). I learned about the roles and services of both. Later I called my husband to ask what he'll be able to pay towards my credit card because he hasn't followed up with a payment as he previously promised. He said he had a big payment for the contractors working on his house, he doesn't have money, he's not sure, etc.. I told him the informal nature of this separation can't continue because until I get a new job, hopefully soon, I need his help. He said "oh I sent you $X last week and last month..." Basically there's no assurance from him that our expenses will be covered.
Given the circumstances, I told my husband I spoke with a mediator and shared with him the time commitment and cost of working with her to formalize his support to us in a divorce. He said ok, I'll think about it
Later he came to see our daughter and asked if he could talk to me. He said he thought for two hours and he's done. He wants to schedule with the mediator to get a divorce. He talked about how he tried to make things work with me and it didn't work. This is hard for me to accept because he left two years ago for a nurse with whom he was cheating and basically ignored me since he returned, so it's hard to see how he tried.
So that's how it happened. I don't know what I should have done differently. He signed an informal separation agreement between the two of us committing to paying certain costs and spending certain nights with our daughter but he's not honoring the agreement. He keeps saying he's busy, tired, stressed, etc.. which I'm sure he is, but he left us to live in his new house knowing I wasn't working and got sick. I really need his help.
I know pressuring my husband on the finances may be a bad move, but the situation is now critical because I'm running out of limit on my credit card and don't have reserves left. It doesn't make sense to pick up a random low-paying job here when I know I can get a professional job when I move, so trying to get any job here in this city just for a few weeks doesn't make sense. If I can get my health improved, or at least rule out surgery, I'll move and get a new job. My husband is earning a very high salary, one that is more than sufficient to help us out until I'm working. He's just irresponsibly been blowing the money on frivolous upgrades to his house and on other expenses that I can't imagine (another woman? who knows).
I'd love to wait for my husband to make the next move because I don't now, and haven't ever, wanted a divorce, but waiting for him likely means defaulting on bills and delaying the move which means delaying finding a new job. Basically waiting means my situation will keep getting worse and I can't let that happen.
I'm still struggling to understand how all this happens. I blame myself for continuing to try to stay married after my husband left the first time. I should have ended it with him. Instead I lived in another two years of misery and agony waiting on his promise that we'd fix everything which never happened.
My husband said as he left last night "I should have divorced you years ago and you should have aborted our daughter." Those are such cruel words. I know I shouldn't want to spend another day with a man like that, who says that in front of his daughter while she watches him say all these things, but I'm still in inconsolable because this was the man who promised to love me forever, who was so perfect for over five years, and who said we'd be buried next to each other when we die. It's still hard to understand what truly happened. None of this seems real. I still feel like one night the real version of my husband will come back and will be the same as he used to be, except I know that won't happen.
I wish so much to send a response to each of your messages. I'm so sorry, I'm just so upset that all I can do is rattle off this message for now because I haven't slept or eaten and I can't barely think. I really hope to catch up more tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your input.
