Thanks Gordie and Ownit. That gives me a lot to chew on.
Ownit-Your last line really made me think. What they want is often more than they can handle. I never really thought about it like that, but it seems to be very much the case. Helps to realize that just because she thinks she may want it, in reality it might be more than she can handle.
Gordie, you really touched on something that has been bugging me that I haven't really fully verbalized. That is regarding the infidelity. I do feel like it although it has been very lightly discussed, it has mainly been brushed under the rug. But to follow up on some of your other points...
-First, I don't have an IC and I only called a DB coach once. I probably really need to follow up with that for my own sanity. R talks have died down as my depression with the situation has lifted a bit. Before I HAD to talk about stuff every 2 to 3 weeks so I wouldn't have a meltdown. My emotional state is much better now so I don't feel the need to pressure her in to talks about things. I've come to realize that I don't really like what she says anyways. All they do is show me how twisted her view on things is. Not just the R, but just life in general. Her thinking is a bit twisted on how she interprets many things right now...regardless of how normal she acts at times. So, I think not initiating R talks is going to be much easier going forward.
-I am not sure about how distancing affects her. I admit that I might not be doing it right. I feel like not calling, emailing, texting, or initiating conversations is distancing. I feel like trying to allow her space within the house without trying to get her to engage with the family is distancing. The issue I think is my mindset for doing it. I am normally (before all this) light hearted and jovial. Making jokes and whatnot. When "distancing" I imagine I seem quiet and detached. I think she views this as unhappy and judgmental. Hard to say for sure. I am trying to be more "normal" with my distancing, and when I am successful she seems more "present" with me and even nice. I wouldn't say loving, but not as cold and distant. I have not been asking her on dates recently because when I did it before it did not seem to draw her in. So in that sense, I stopped what seemed like wasn't working, despite what she said. What I am unsure of is when or if that should change on my part (Iie: if she says she wanted/wants that when DO I start that?)
-I will work on figuring out EXACTLY what I want and what I think it will take to get there...from her and myself. I feel like I have an idea of that in my head already, but I think I need to work that out a little more.
-As for the infidelity piece, that bothers me. I do believe that it was only EA and nothing more. She has expressed regret and has said she was sorry, but that seemed very difficult for her to say. It also seems to me that she is expressing regret for her decisions, but not as much remorse towards me for the betrayal. I think that is key. Because of that, it seems more like it was kind of swept under the run. Like she is TRYING to just go back to normal without much acknowledgement of what we just went through. But things AREN'T normal. I recently looked through some pictures of us in previous years and was reminded how happy she used to LOOK. She still smiles, but the happiness doesn't seem to touch her eyes these days. Its like she is wearing a happy mask. I know that I don't want things as they are, and I won't consider us better until there is some kind of reckoning. I don't need her to grovel at my feet and I don't want to hold it over her head for the remainder of our relationship, but it does need to be fully addressed before there is any chance of us moving forward.
Sadly, she has never initiated any kind of R talk...which is why I have at the intervals I have. I am worried that if I stop, she never will and will try to move on like nothing happened. I do not see that as something that will last. It is always possible that if I give her enough time without initiating my own R talk that she would eventually. I think the longest I've gone so far is about a month and she didn't initiate anything in that time. I do realize that it is pointless when I initiate because it doesn't really go anywhere.
What would you consider frequent R talks...any at all? Just curious. I'm going to try not to initiate any more at all, but curious what might be considered frequent.
Thank you so much for helping me figure this thing out (as much as it can be anyways).
