Talked to her over phone about some financial stuff. Her can insurance charged my account, as she did not took care of it). She was very polite and even wrote a follow-up email thanking me. Somehow I switched to desperate mode now, and I want to go and beg her to give us a chance. I know it will not work though. Again feel very lost and depressed.
I got the Divorce Busting book and read half of it. Very interesting, but so far I see very limited application in my situation, when she does not actually want to work on relationship.
I am thinking if we shall go to the next counseling session (set on the 19.01) as she said, that for her it is divorce-counseling that will ease the process and get us to mutual understanding. At first I said - then it is useless. but on the other hand I constantly read stories, where one of the partners does not consider R at first, but after 4-6 counseling sessions something changes.
Question, what shall I focus on during counseling session? She will obviously say, what she said above - it's Divorce counseling. During first session she said that she needs time and space, and in some months she might change her point of view.
Longer I think about it, the more I understand that the first issue to be solved is her absence of trust towards me. So I think it might an option, to say, that I understand that our old R is over, but I want to use counseling to rebuild the Trust.
Emotional update: Yesterday I had a nice evening with a friend in a bar. Today however I woke up completely trashed with emotional roller-coaster taking over, so I could not get me out of bed until 10am.
Somehow I switched to desperate mode now, and I want to go and beg her to give us a chance. I know it will not work though. Again feel very lost and depressed.
You're right, that never, ever works. Most of us tried it before finding DB'ing.
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I got the Divorce Busting book and read half of it. Very interesting, but so far I see very limited application in my situation, when she does not actually want to work on relationship.
Much of the book is specifically about one person working on things while the other doesn't want to, it's the whole point of the chapter called "It Takes One to Tango".
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I am thinking if we shall go to the next counseling session (set on the 19.01) as she said, that for her it is divorce-counseling that will ease the process and get us to mutual understanding.
Yes quite right. We advise people here to drop marriage counseling when dealing with a WAS because the WAS will only use it as an excuse to separate and/ or divorce. That money would be better spent on a DB coach (for you alone).
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but on the other hand I constantly read stories, where one of the partners does not consider R at first, but after 4-6 counseling sessions something changes.
You do? I've never heard of MC bringing a WAS back.
Originally Posted By: Mav82
Emotional update: Yesterday I had a nice evening with a friend in a bar. Today however I woke up completely trashed with emotional roller-coaster taking over, so I could not get me out of bed until 10am.
Sorry you're going through this! You do have hope of recon, but it's going to take a lot longer than you might think. You've got to remove all pressure from your W (no MC, no talking about the R, no pressure for sex, etc.) Get out and GAL. Focus on becoming the spouse only a fool would leave.
I was actually thinking of going to the counseling and do the 180 there, by admitting that the relationship we had is over and we need to move forward to become a better parents by rebuilding the trust. The lack of trust toward me is the main issue I see now.
My W is not classical WAW as I have contributed to her decision by a huge margin. Might be I am overestimating it though.
I don't really believe MC session is going to be helpful, at this point. Especially if your W sees it more as divorce counseling.
She says she needs space and time, so I think that is exactly what you need to give her. Use this time to work on yourself, GAL, follow the 37 rules, etc.
Most guys want to pursue (including pushing for MC), especially when they fear they are losing their W. However, that is the last thing you need to do. She is hurt and angry at you. The more you push, the more she will resent you. Back up and give her room.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
While I understand what you say is very tru, I also see that the more time goes and the more space I give her, the more assured she seems in her decision. First weeks she was crying, showing she wants to hang out with me a bit. Now she becomes increasingly distant and reassured in her decision. I assume her EA/PA assists this behavior by a large margin, as she is not a woman that ever stayed alone for long.
Is that typical behavior for WaW?
Also, I as I have said, I want to rebuild trust. How can I d
While I understand what you say is very tru, I also see that the more time goes and the more space I give her, the more assured she seems in her decision. First weeks she was crying, showing she wants to hang out with me a bit. Now she becomes increasingly distant and reassured in her decision. I assume her EA/PA assists this behavior by a large margin, as she is not a woman that ever stayed alone for long.
Is that typical behavior for WaW?
Also, I as I have said, I want to rebuild trust. How can I d
Due to your emotional state, it is hard sometimes to stay grounded. So I say this with full sympathy to your situation.. Your W is not interested in saving your marriage at the moment. Nothing you 'think' will help turn her around will work. You need to let that sink in and understand it. Its hard but sadly its true.
You need to start the process of letting go and focusing on yourself.
The statement you have made (i.e. about giving her space) shows that you are not at the moment. You NEED to let it go. This is a long process. Mine was quick and it was 8 months of pure hell and understanding there was nothing I could do to get her back.
There is NO magic trick that you are going to say to make her think "oh sh*t, I have made a mistake"
The only thing that will make that happen is you starting a new life for yourself, and her being attracted to that new person - which could be years down the line rather than weeks or months.
Mav, I really sympathize with the challenge of accepting that a relationship is broken without trying to do something to fix it. It's so hard to live with the guilt, the unknown, the pain. It seems the overarching lesson is that we can't fix anything until the other person also wants to fix it and there's nothing we can do about it except let them go and try to work on ourselves. That is true and believable. I've made a lot of mistakes with that though and now maybe it's too late in my case. Your situation might still improve if you can find a way to let your wife go just for a while. Maybe it's best not to think in terms of extremes - not forever but for a few weeks or months and then just sit and watch her actions while you work on improving yourself. Maybe it will still work out for you and your wife will change if you change first.
