Wife wont admit to affair and its driving me nuts!

[Surfer]

Morbo,

Vanilllas abuse threads are important. She helped me see the light. As did Sandi (and others). For this I am very grateful. There is a book called the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. Read it. It will answer some of your questions.

I had a very similar sitch with STBXW. WW, EA unconfirmed PA, met the guy (smarmy feck, butter wouldn’t melt chinless .... etc). There was an affair of course, I tracked them meeting, confronted but they only admit to that you can prove. No more. Even that they will deny. So STOP. You could only catch them in bed (you wouldn’t most likely) would it change the person you now see? How you feel about her? NO! She is no longer the person you thought she was. In my view, she will never be and probably never was. She was most likely hiding some serious character flaws until you were trapped, kids, M etc.

Drop your feelings for her. Somehow you must not give a sh!t. The only way to do this is not to think about her. Distract yourself and work on life without her. You must go NC to do this and you are not. Absolute minimal contact is essential here.

For now. You have 3 jobs only I would say.

Go NC
Become supermorbo
Become superdad

You seem to be doing really quite well on these already but stick at them.

Your WW has been gaslighting, manipulating and controlling you for years. Mine did too. They get worse and worse to the point they rage and rage and can’t stop themselves. This is usually post PA I expect. They feel trapped and you are the problem, not them. Relax, it’s not you, it is them. They never apologise and never feel anything other than correct. You can’t win an argument with someone like this. Don’t bother. If it helps, just saying I’m busy, I’ll have to go. We can speak another time etc. Then don’t. There is no point. Ever. You are supposed to be cutting those strings she has attached to your b@lls. Every time you make contact or show she is getting in your head you are
Re-attaching those strings. STOP. Just don’t get in touch at all unless it’s about the kids. Then a simple text. Short and no emotion.

Remember this person is just continually telling you lies and attempting to manipulate you. Do not believe a word.

When you close the door or put the phone down etc. You need to be able to feel nothing. Like you have just spoken to someone who dialled the wrong number. You role is prompt in each exchange and efficient. Minimum words and maximum speed to exit. Listen to her but chose where you engage - absolute
Minimum each time and never take the bait. Work out what is a question you feel you need to answer and what you think may be an invitation to argue. Don’t engage in the latter ever. If she moans about anything just stay silent or say ‘sounds tricky’ etc.

I’ll try and keep tabs on progress and chime in where I can see any similar behaviour.

Surfer.