Thanks for the responses. I do struggle with this part of dealing with MLC.
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Here's a suggestion...don't tell him that you need to reduce contact between you.
Yes, Job... that makes so much sense! But too late now. It's not the first time I've told him I want to limit contact. Won't do it again!
Sotto - couldn't agree more that the frequent contacters do present dilemnas to navigate around. I can drive myself crazy regarding what is the right way to handle things.
Gordie - the contradiction between wanting a divorce and wanting also to be BFF's must drive you up the wall. My H isn't asking for a D yet, but I think I would agree to one right now if he does ask. Then I would move on and not want any contact with him. I would still pine for him though, I'm sure.
I will continue with the NC for now and see how things go. I am afraid that frequent periods of NC will eventually push him away entirely and I don't want that. So my decisions on the NC issue are partly based on what I need but I expect I will soon let it slide because of my fear he will disappear for good.
Oh,,, and I did send a quick text saying "Happy New Year, H - hoping 2018 is a good year for you".
I hated violating my own boundary but H has been very generous with making sure I am okay and have enough funds. I just couldn't let this day go by without wishing him HNY.
I just wanted to say that you are not the only one who broke the self imposed silence. I am in LRT with my H so little to no contact but I did send him a text to say HNY and got one back wishing me the same and “every happiness in 2018”. I also broke my silence but in the end I know I am not a spiteful and vengeful person and after all he still my husband! Still hurts though!
Job said that if it felt right then it was the right thing to do so please don’t beat yourself up about it!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks Coly for the support. A day later and it doesn't feel like a mistake but I'm sure if I didn't text, THAT would have felt like a mistake. So I am at peace.
A few hours after I sent the text, H called to wish me HNY. Pleasant conversation for about 10 min. It could have been shorter but it seemed that H was reluctant to end the call. H did express doubt about 2018 being a better year though.
I think he's learning slowly that his unhappiness is following him wherever he goes and whatever he does.
H moved about 3 months ago, but stayed in our house for a few days while I was away to look after the pets.
I found out from a reliable source that H didn't enjoy his time in our home, could see clearly now that he doesn't belong here, and isn't looking forward to doing it again when I'm away later this month.
Wow.... I'm hurt by this. He doesn't know I know he feels this way but I did say I can find someone else to look after the pets to which he said, "no, I can do it and it will save you money". I then said I think I should be finding my own pet sitter going forward without having to impose on you. To which he said,, he wants to do it and it gives him time with the pets.
Geez,,, he is right - it saves me a LOT of money which has been in very short supply since this all happened. But what do I do with the knowledge I have regarding how he really feels?
And is this normal for MLC - they don't miss their home?? And they know they couldn't live there again??
Is this just a phase or is this how it will be period. I mean,, later in the MLC will they still feel this way?
I dunno,,, hanging onto the house in case there is eventually a reconciliation, but thinking now,, what's the point? Also wondering if there is to be a new start down the road, is it better to have a new residence for that new start instead of attempting that in the current residence? The current home... maybe won't work for us in the future.
In the future, I would consider finding someone to come by and take care of your pets (as a back up plan).
Sure, they miss their homes...but they aren't going to tell you or anyone else that for a very, very long time. At the moment, he can't live there again because it reminds him that something is entirely off and they feel like they are being suffocated when there. It's the depression talking Also, guilt does a lot of speaking up to him and it makes him feel bad about what he's done. So, take what he says w/a grain of salt.
Keep in mind, they have loose lips and when they are w/others, things tend to come out w/o a filter. He probably was chatting w/the neighbor and he was putting on the dog and pony show to that person, i.e., in the way of bragging, etc. Trust me, he misses home and he misses the pets too. If he didn't, he wouldn't pet sit for you.
Their feelings fluctuate on any given second, that's why we say you can't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. They are operating on pure emotions and emotions tend to sway back and forth quite a bit.
Listen, GalPal, you can't plan for the future right now. You need to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Live in the present as it is a gift. The past is gone and can't be relived and the future is not ours to see at the moment. It will be revealed when the time is right. If anything, keep the focus on you at this moment. Live your life to the fullest as if he may not return.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh Thank You, Job! Your words were exactly what I needed to read and I found it very reassuring.
I think one of my biggest challenges with all of this is realizing how very long it will take to resolve. And even when it does there is no guarantee how it will work out.
I do wish there would be a 'fast forward' button to speed things up.
I also see now that I put all my eggs in one basket with H. I have very little family left - deceased parents, deceased sibling, no kids (except his - my stepkids/grandkids), few friends in town. My life was busy with H, and his family and friends. Now they are gone - all of them, and I am alone.
It's become a pretty solitary existence compared to what it was. I'm getting out there but it takes time to fill in all these gaps. Good thing I don't do too bad with my own company but I still wish I could speed up this mess.
Thanks again, Job for your encouragement and support.
Hi GalPal, when I was in a similar place to you I made myself try out at least one new activity each month that might become a regular thing - yoga class, choir, volunteering, dancing, tai chi, book club, divorce care etc.
I did a pile of stuff and some stuck, some didn't, but I did make some lovely new friends along the way and I have a full life now. It is possible, but only if we get out there and start making some links with others - maybe 2018 is the year for that?
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes, I agree with everything you say. I joined a gym last month a pretty much go everyday. Not the easiest place to make friends since I'm so focused on why I'm there (to look my best ever).
I am signed up for a Divorce Support Group that starts in February and goes for several weeks. I hear many friendships are born from these groups. Also going to try out folk dancing next week. Depends on the cost if I keep going or not.
