Hoosjim's 9th: WW, A ended(?); "All-in" or not?

[hoosjim]

I know there are those out there who are not believers, and some even who are offended by the very concept... but my faith has been a touchstone for me, a rock for me to hang on to when everything else seemed turned upside down. And I have seen too many prayers answered... not always in the way I expected or "requested", and too many things that I did not understand at the time that ended up "happening for a reason", and too many weird and inexplicable coincidences for me to not believe that there is a God out there, a God who has a plan for us... a good plan. So, when you read this, know that that is where I am coming from.

At any rate, I am very thankful today. Should have made that one of my resolutions above: "Be thankful in all circumstances" (as the Bible tells us is God's will for us to do). I am thankful because He regularly reveals new truths to me-- usually at the moment they are needed most, because he answers my prayers, because he stands with me and guides me through the Holy Spirit, and because events that I do not understand at the time or that from most viewpoints would be viewed as setbacks or curses often end up being blessings-- tests or hurdles that are necessary for me to undergo in order to grow, or else just happenstances that put me in the right place at the right time to ultimately get to where I need to go.

One new truth I have been thankful to receive is that love is deliberate... we choose to love. Now, I have seen this or read this and been told this from time to time through my entire DB-ing experience and at various points, but for some reason it never really clicked with me until Sandi2 posted her recent "Reflections" thread. I had recently read something recommended by my MC/IC (A Christian, faith-guided counselor who, because of an extremely unlikely sequence of events I am convinced was deliberately put into my life by God), to that effect, and had been looking at it from a slightly off-kilter angle, having been thrown by my W's seeming continued commitment to having romantic love "strike her from above" as well as by my own cold and "off-turned" response to our ill-advised and drunken kiss a couple of weeks back. But somehow, what Sandi2 posted, and the way she posted it and wove it into God's will for us made it click for me: I can choose to love my wife and she can choose to love me-- we don't need anything to strike us from above-- and that can be the basis for beautiful and loving and intimate MR... if we both choose. And for so many years I did not follow the Bibles command to H's to "love their wives." I of course felt that limerance-based infatuation early in our relationship, but, after that, I don't know if you could say I "loved" her as the bible intended... it was probably more selfish in nature. I certainly checked off a lot of the "causes loss of respect" boxes on Sandi2's checklist. But now, I have more clarity on that. I can choose to love, and to do it in a way that is likely increase my W's respect and therefor her love for me... if she decides to commit/submit to that. If she does not, then I can choose to take care of myself, even as I continue to act "lovingly," though certainly at a distance and with less of a focus on a MR-type intimacy. There is a lot more nuance to this, and a lot more thinking and praying I need to do on it, but the clarity I think I have found the last few days has been a blessing. It has certainly helped me understand even more the importance of my W entering IC or else otherwise finding some way to work through her own issues, and understanding that she can "choose" to love me. I think she may be getting there but... that's up to her and I am not going to assume anything.

One of my prayers that usually gets answered is when I sincerely pray for inner peace, or quieting of my mind so that I can more aptly receive His messages and his will, or help and guidance from the holy spirit in the conduct of my daily affairs or in some specific regard. Have any of you ever felt just completely "in synch" with life? Almost like you can do no wrong or that everything you are doing is working or working out? Athletes call it being in the zone, and, while no great athlete myself, I have experienced it myself on the field of play and am familiar with the feeling. For me, it most often comes when I know I am completely right with God-- when I have been "behaving myself" and being diligent in prayer and in looking for His will and what He wants me to do. (As an aside, my own personal "theology" is that God does not punish us or visit earthly misfortune on us for our transgressions but, rather, that when we place ourselves at odds with his will-- with what he has intended for his creation and with how he has designed his universe and humanity to "best" operate-- that we then set ourselves up for misfortune by fighting against the natural order, against the way God intends things to be. We do it to ourselves.) I have experienced this "karmic" effect on a handful of occasions over the past year when I have been in significant turmoil, particularly in church services or when praying, and I have asked for a calming of my emotions and my mind so that I may pray better and so that I may be more receptive to His messages, via church service or whatever, and I have unfailingly been blessed with such calm. Today, after praying for support in "loving" my wife in the manner God wanted me to, and praying for the His help and guidance in all I did and said today, I experienced that even broader whole-body-and-life "in the zone" feeling that has buoyed me through the day. Whether or not that is just from prayer, or because I am also trying to align myself as closely with his will as is humanly possible right now, I don't know. Probably some of both. Amongst other things, it has been my fairly strong impression based on a number of signs that God wants me to trust him in this journey concerning my MR, that he wants me to practice trusting my W, and, in particular, that he wants me to not monitor her or check up on her in any way-- and I have done just that over the past several days, effectively "Cutting her loose."

Whichever it is, I have just felt "in the zone" today. I paid a visit to my W's office (she works in the doctor's office affiliated with the Physical Therapy clinic where I am currently receiving treatment) and, I believe through God's grace, it went extremely well. I just felt extremely comfortable with everyone I talked with-- I was lighthearted, joyful, funny, warm-- and it made an impression. She is friends with several of the other girls over there, and every time I go by recently I seem to hit it off better and make a better and better impression with them, and W notices... and tells me about it. And its not just about making an impression on the W but... I just really enjoyed it too. Most people I am finding are good people, or at least have a fair amount of "good" in them, and are fun and interesting to talk to, and it is heartening to connect with new people or to make new or deeper connections to people you already know. At any rate, I attribute all of this to a better understanding of what God wants as well as a better alignment with his will, and, of course, to my prayers for guidance and support being answered.

Even the happenstance that has me undergoing PT seems to have been a blessing in disguise. At the time I injured my shoulder, I was fairly down about it--- my fitness regimen was the cornerstone of my GAL, as well as the physical foundation for many of the strenuous, outdoorsy and physical type activities that I was taking part in and wanted to take part in. Not to mention the fact that "weak, sickly, and injured hoosjim" (albeit due at that time to systemic illness that is now cured) was one of the "optics" that had plagued my old MR with my W and that I wanted to avoid. I prayed for God to heal me quickly but, as always, prayed for him to send me down the path that he wanted me to go down to reach the type of MR or whatever R with my W he wanted me to reach. As it turns out, the lingering nature of the injury was a blessing-- it led me back to the orthopedic practice at which my W works, and my reconnection with that practice and with the people that now work there has created an additional connection and opportunity for interface between my W and me, and resurrected a dynamic that was a very fruitful one for us when we first met and fell in love-- which also occurred when I was first a patient at that clinic many years ago with a sports injury. That dynamic probably led to her inviting me to her office christmas party for the first time in several years, and to her inviting me on New Years to go hang out with one of the other girls from her office after we had rung in the year-- both of which ended up being good things. And, so, despite the seemingly-bad-on-its-face circumstance (a somewhat serious muscle injury), I am, in fact, thankful for it.

Today, I surprised W when I walked in to the clinic(I had forgotten about the appointment until it popped up on my "alarm" notifications, and she had not seen me on the schedule) but it was a good surprise. She smiled and joked with me, laughed and bantered with one of the other girls who I had very playfully and lightly (and not at all seriously) flirted with when I came in, and seemed genuinely happy I had dropped by. (She was also wearing, though she had no idea I was coming in, one of the pretty silver bracelets I bought her for Christmas.) Do I think this makes us "well on the road to recovery"? No, of course not! But I do think my attitude and my groundedness and the place I currently am faith-wise is making things a heck of a lot better for me, and I think that that can only make things better for us and our MR, and, if it doesn't? Then at least things are still a lot better off for me, and I am in a much more joyful place in my world.

Happy New Year, again, everyone! Thanks for all of your input, help, and guidance, and God Bless you all as we head through 2018!