Well.... it's been a week since she moved out and as much as I was prepared and looking forward to that moment it feels like another BD! like the dagger just got pushed in a little deeper. I'm actually good with her not being around, it's not having my kids with me all the time, I miss them, I miss seeing them and talking to them as to how their day was, talking on the phone or texting just isn't the same. I know it's still very fresh and I will need time to just breath but this is really hard.
Oh man! I totally feel you on this one. I have been physically separated for about five months, and in my own new place for three months. I didn't know how I was going to make it.
The first 2 months of physical S had its ups and downs. The major being that I was still in the marital home and she had moved on to a new place and was figuring her life out. I felt like I was stuck and the house was a constant reminder of the family life that had been lost. When I moved out of the marital home, that hit me really hard because now that loss was real. The home that I wanted to create for my kids with her was gone and there was no going back. We had bought this home about six months before BD and I had finally felt secure for myself and most importantly for the kids. But it all got blown up.
In the 2 months of S in the marital home, and not having any one in this house was just awful. Just like you, I didn't miss her, but I missed the kids terribly when they were not with me.
When I moved into my new place, I was a mess for a few weeks. I got it all the kids bedrooms set up so that they could have a good transition, but the rest of the house was just a mess. I was also super busy at work during that time and so I didn't have enough time to fix the place up - to make it my own. I had a lot of plans, but I just couldn't follow through because I was still experiencing a lot of loss and grief.
I didn't really start getting the place together until almost 2 months after moving in. Now it is at a place where I love it and it's my own space and it's reflective of that. It is also a home to my kids and I have made it reflective of that as well, that this is their house and it is full of their stuff - art on the wall, created space for their play time and set up their bedrooms nicer.
I don't think I will ever be okay with not seeing my children daily. I never signed up to be a part time parent, but I am put in a position where that is my reality. I have come to accept it, but I don't need to be okay with it. Acceptance of this reality has allowed me to understand where my choices are and how I can optimize the time with my kids and the time by myself.
When my kids are not around, I make sure that I am on top of my goals and priorities. I don't rush things and I take my time. For example, eating better is a huge priority for my health - so I give myself time to plan my meals, buy the food, and prepare what I want. I workout, go climbing, watch movies, read, and do other things. I am filling my life with stuff that is important to me. When my kids are around, I tweak some priorities because I want to spend all my time with them well, but I don't abandon them.
So, it's normal to feel alone and lonely and that the house is a dark cave. But the pain starts to chip away when you start thinking of your alone time as a productive space for you. I am at a place where the priorities for myself will always continue, and that I would keep up with them if W and I ever recon and live together again.
Also, what I have learned is that you don't need to trade your needs over other people. It's not that black and white. Right now, my priorities are myself and the kids - and they are on the same plane. If my kids priorities come into conflict with my needs, the kids needs trump mine in that moment. But, I have organized my life in such a way that this conflict never happens, and in fact I have incorporated my kids into some of my personal priorities so that there is more connection between us. What this has given me is this - you don't need to put your needs away and there is always a way to find balance. This is an important lesson that I will bring into my next R.
I totally empathize with where you are right now. Experience that pain to give you motivation and clarity about yourself. The process is more important than the outcome right now.
Sit with the pain and loss and grief to process and understand it. As soon as you see it move to despair - get up and do something.
I know this is long winded - but being in this space for a while now, I have learned some important skills and make use of the time wisely.
