I think what's getting to me the most is the deep sense of loneliness I'm experiencing. Despite being surrounded by family, co-workers, and friends I always feel so alone. I'm a man and I feel like I need a woman. And I'm denied that because I'm still married and I don't believe in cheating. I'm trying not to harbor resentment for WW, but that's a daily struggle that I've been having.
I can't remember if this was in Michele's books or another book I read, but somewhere I read about "need" versus "want" and it has really stuck with me. It's OK to "want" someone, but when you "need" someone then there is something wrong within you, a void you're trying to fill with someone else. One of the most critical steps in recovering from the loss of your spouse is learning to be happy BY YOURSELF. If you don't love yourself then you are ill-equipped to love someone else. After BD we feel defeated and worthless, so recovering requires building back up our self-esteem and confidence. And that is exactly what DB'ing is all about. Get out. GAL. Work on yourself. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. Get back to a healthy place in your life (physically and emotionally), and then you will be ready to start a new R with your W or someone else. It takes time, personally I think anyone who starts dating less than a year after BD is rushing things.
Quote:
I hope that starting DB 3 weeks after BD wasn't too late.
Meaning you still want to save your M? Then why say this in the next breath:
Quote:
I am getting close to being indifferent about the D.
I don't think you're being honest with yourself. Your emotions are clearly still all over the place. And that is perfectly fine, these things take time and it is totally normal to have crazy emotions for the first few months. If you tell me in a year that you are indifferent about the D then I'll believe you. But right now? It's still too raw for you to know that. Don't try to convince yourself you're done, you've got a long road ahead of you before you can come to that conclusion.
Quote:
I really hate this but I didn't choose this path, she did.
I read this sentiment a lot on these boards, especially right after BD. The thing is, if you ask her then she will say YOU are the reason this happened. There's a reason that most states have gone to no-fault divorce, the courts have given up and thrown their hands in the air in trying to figure out whose fault D is. You say she dropped the bomb, she says you neglected her for years. Who is right? Here's the truth of the matter- we all put our M's on autopilot and they withered away while we weren't looking. I firmly believe that BOTH spouses are to blame when a M fails. Own your part in it and quit trying to assign blame. Blame leads to resentment, resentment to anger and hatred.
Quote:
After an entire night of tossing and turning, I've begun to seriously let go of the idea of recon. I haven't had any real sleep and reading post after post I realized that the majority of LBS do not get a chance at R.
After 6 weeks? Here's what I think is going on, you want the pain to end. You're thinking that if you give up hope, get a D and start a new R with someone else then that'll make all the pain go away. But it won't. You can't rush your recovery, you've got to be patient.
By the way most LBS's do get a chance at recon. But not on the timeline they want. Usually it's years later, and by then they've moved on and are no longer interested.
Quote:
I'm closer to being done with this than I ever have been before.
I really don't think you're in the state of mind right now to know that. Like we say, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Take a deep breath. Recenter yourself. Get out and GAL and keep yourself busy and don't worry about whether your M is dead or not, that's for you to figure out much, much later. Ask yourself, why would you want to throw all your W's stuff out of the MBR and lock the door? Is that coming from a place of love and forgiveness or anger and resentment? What are your goals? Does that action get you closer to your goals or farther away?
