Separated after 9y and W says it is the end. Help!

[sandi2]

Anyways, end of October after we had some argument, she moved to sleep with our daughter, and I still was blind, though became more cautious, and some evening in November I found a messenger thread on her phone with OM, with very emotional discussions and words like "my love" and her hate towards me .

Something that will be extremely important to your situation is this affair your W is having with another man. When you looked at her messages to him, could you determine when they started contacting each other? IMHO, it is important to know if the A was already in progress when you talked to your W about divorce. Was she having an affair only after a month of discussing the possibility of D?

If you have read any of my wayward wife threads, can you see your own W in my descriptions? This is only my opinion, that depending on whether or not she is wayward, could make a difference in some of your approach. In the books DB/DR, the author does not separate a wayward wife from a WAW, so please keep that in mind when reading them.

Is it common for your W to have exclusive friendships with men? Have you ever known of her getting too close to some other man, during this MR?

If she has shown no wayward wife tendencies (overly selfish, demanding her way, orders you around, shows disrespect for you, inappropriate behavior with men, etc.), and if she was not in an EA with this OM.....then it could determine how you should approach this situation.

Before you realized what your W was doing and talking about her hatred for you.......you gave her an emotional bomb drop about considering a divorce. Not feeling good about yourself is not a legitimate reason to D your W. Do you know the real reason? Have you been guilty of something that made you feel bad about yourself? You do not have to give us any details, but it would help to know what it is. Depression can become devastating. If both of you have suffered from depression at the same time, I can see how you could try to find what was causing it. Unfortunately, many people blame their M's for their source of depression.

It was so stupid of me, but it was my way to express demand for a change.

Were you demanding change in her, the M, or what?

Anyway, you became a walk-away H. When you discovered the messages, it immediately jerked you out of your WAH mentality. All it took was seeing another man was in the picture. So, your situation is not the usual one seen on the board. However, that's not to say your M cannot be saved.

I updated her pc and photographed her browser passwords. She noticed it and in the morning, when I was sleeping.
I had no idea, but had a bad feeling that day and said we need to talk, and she said fine in Cafe. She confronted me with her findings and said now it is all over.

So in other words, she did not tell you it was over until she realized you had her password and could read her messages? And now, she claims she cannot trust you? I want to make sure I have this right.

During the talk she had tiers in her eyes. She also carries a book "How to get over love pain".

We also agreed to meet and discuss finances.

Funnily enough I felt myself much better (emotionally) after that.

Nothing was resolved, but you felt better emotionally b/c you talked about it. Perhaps in the future you will share more with your W. Just talking about things with someone, can help with some levels of depression. I encourage you to continue counseling for yourself.

As for not having any goals, we believe in goals here. It sounds as if you may have lost your passion in life. Materially, you had everything you wanted. However, it does not feed the soul. You will need to find passion, and not expect someone else to give it to you. You are responsible for your own happiness. That was a lesson I had to learn.

On one hand it makes me feel much better, being around at home with kids on the other, it is kindda contrary to 180.
I really need an advice here.

Some people refer to the 37 rules as "the 180", but actually, 180's are the changes you make in your actions/behavior. Another misconception by newcomers is trying to do the total opposite of everything. Also, you may need to adjust your 180's as your situation with your W changes.

Therefore, take an evaluation of yourself and the improvements you need to make in your life. Then write down the steps you'll take to accomplish these improvements. You'll have made your first goals.

For 180's, write down the habits, reactions, or other actions that bring bad results to your relationships. How could you 180, instead of repeating what brings bad results?

The more common newcomers are those that have been jilted by their spouse. In fact, most discover their spouse is having some type of an affair, or they are wayward in other ways, and living like Girls Gone Wild. So, in case someone doesn't read your first post, and they pass along the advice you feel would make things worse in your R with the W......always ask before acting on it. In fact, don't do any action to jump off into something you don't understand fully, before checking with the board. You are taking in a lot of new information, but you'll catch on quickly.

Subital and Another Stander have given you very good advice. BTW, if you are introverted and it's hard to make new friends, then find hobbies or activities you enjoy alone. Do the things you've put off doing, b/c your time was devoted to family. Make sense? And the reason a man shouldn't confine himself to just his family, is b/c his world becomes very small. A man is not near as interesting as one that has a life that reaches beyond his own doorsteps.

Very hard to read this, especially the terrible partner part. I still think I was not that terrible, but was blind to her needs. I do understand though, that if we get together one day, it shall be a new start.

You may be defined as a good person. One that was devoted to his family. However, if you ignored her needs, she may not agree that you made a good partner. Were you guilty of any of those things I listed on ways a H loses attraction and respect from his W?

She texted me a question about next music lesson of our S and I decided to thank her for the great day I had with kids. She answered - „good :)“ I cannot be an [censored] with her.
I really need some advice from vets on how to deal with these kind of situations.

Until we hear more about the situation, I think you need to continue using the above as your guide. The main thing to remember is do not pursue her. Even as a WAH, you do not want to pursue her. She is angry at you and she wants her own private space. She needs some time to think things out, and to see changes in you.