My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole, nice to hear from you. I hope you're okay?

My H doesn't show if he feels guilt or not. He does have some give-aways but if he feels guilt now I'll never see it. I do think him not being able to talk to me or be alone with me has more to do with him than me. I'm not a hard or cold person to deal with, so if he can't be around me, then thats on him.

I'm flat, numb and then I'll have moments of crying. But it's not all encompassing like it was in the past. I just feel low. I have really good times and have fun. But it's always there in the back of my mind.

Yes my children know everything and as far as they're concerned we are separated and if he wishes to date he can. It hurts that they don't see us getting back together, but I'm also thankful that they aren't unhappy or in pain about the way things have gone. They know I have moments of pain and sorrow, but our house isn't a sad place...we have lots of fun here.

I agree with you on the pain being too deep to shrug it off. My MIL sent me a Happy New Year text and said 'we must put what happened behind us'! I said I appreciate what's she's saying but no...I'm not ready to put his treatment of me behind me yet...the hurt is too raw right now. I see where he gets his not dwelling on emotional pain from. I don't want to feel resentment, but it's hard not to when a man I've known for 30 years has pretty much abandoned us, abandoned this wreck of a house and everything else.

But you're right, I'm grieving a marriage that wasn't good and I know I did so much and tried hard to fix it. I suggested a marriage retreat, dating again, endless pleas for better communication but he just wasn't 'getting it'.
He was too busy being busy...but I guess not too busy to date or find someone else.

At the end of the day, my H wanted to live life the way he wanted to live it and expected me to follow without having my needs met. And when I 'complained' he saw that as a good enough reason to find someone else. It hurts...a lot. But it also makes me feel stronger in a way. Because I fought for us...he didn't. I learnt from our mistakes and once again he's repeating the same old pattern. That's not to say I did everything right...there's so much I could have done differently, but I tried.

It's lovely you have a good friend to send you messages of support and positive vibes. I kind of do that myself, whenever I feel low, I think of the good things I have in my life.

Sometimes I think of him and I really don't know why I want him to return. I think a lot of it is, I really need him to apologise and to accept his part in the break down of our marriage. If he ever does it will be begrudging and defensive. And he'll call on that old chestnut...'we grew apart'...we didn't, he allowed this to happen and although I will take part of the blame, I won't accept the 'we grew apart' platitude he'll dish out to take the sting out of his actions.

Life stinks right now, but it's not all bad. I'm getting counselling, something I should've done many years ago, I have wonderful children, a roof over my head, and bills paid. I'm looking into opening retail space and going into business with my son which although scary, is very exciting. It was something I put off for many years because I didn't want it overlapping on any free time I could get with my H, but that was a mistake...