Hoosjim's 9th: WW, A ended(?); "All-in" or not?

[hoosjim]

Well, a new year is upon us. 2017 was a weird one, for sure. January 2017, when I found out about my W's A and fully woke up to just how damaged our MR was, seems like an eon ago. Yet at the same time, 2017 as a year seems to have flown by in a blink. Maybe it is the tendency of the brain to try to minimize painful episodes(?). Idunno, but either way it's a strange dichotomy.

I have some updates and also some resolutions-- call them New Years resolutions if you want, though I personally think the time construct is somewhat artificial. If you're going to change something, change it. (Though granted the holidays do create a pretty convenient and often climactic point in time after which to change things up.)

Our little family, W and I and our two boys, spent the entire week-plus holiday season together. The days leading up to Christmas were fairly festive, with my younger son (the warmer, more open, emotional, passionate, and empathetic one-- also the one with TS) really getting into the spirit, saying he didn't want to lose the "Christmas feeling" he used to get as a child and taking the initiative to play lots of holiday music, get him and his brother out shopping, etc. For my part, I was in good spirits, and spent a lot of time putting up lights, playing alot of music (all four of us love music and have lots of conversation about it, sharing likes and new discoveries and remembered arcana), singing, getting out, etc. Made it a point to plan some fun holiday activities-- We all went down to the historic district in our city on the 23rd, walked around and looked at lights and saw "It's a Wonderful Life" at an old historic theater, and then had what had been our traditional family dinner out at a restaurant on Christmas eve.

W was also not in her typical "holiday blues" that she always gets. She went out shopping, played music herself, was eager to plan and talk about our holiday travels/visits to our respective distant families (hers about 5 hours away, mine about 5 hours further past that), and appeared genuinely glad and happy to be there with both her family and, later, with mine, sitting and talking and laughing with family members, playing games, etc. She was surprisingly comfortable and relaxed talking to my mother (who is the only one of our parents who knows we are having trouble-- I have called it a "rough patch we are working through"-- though not that that W had an A) . This was a change from the August-Mid to late October time frame when W was reluctant to discuss the holidays and our plans, and was definitely uncomfortable doing so, particularly insofar as it concerned travelling to visit our families. We all bought gifts for each other-- W actually got some very thoughtful ones for me, including a very nice and somewhat expensive pair of leather boots (She thinks I really look nice in boots-- "I was after you for years to try wearing boots!") as opposed to the gift cards she had defaulted to the past several gift-giving occasions. The kids got her a couple of nice things that really seemed to touch her that they thought specifically about what she would like, and I got her a very pretty silk and cashmere scarf as well as couple of pieces of silver jewelry (she loves silver way more than gold, and it looks better on her to boot) I knew she would like, as well as a couple of other small but thoughtful things that I could tell she was impressed I put the thought into.

In terms of our interactions, they were generally good. We attended her office holiday party (which she invited me to for the first time in several years), went out a handful of times to restaurants or bars, talked and joked a lot on the approximately 20 hours we spent together in the car last week, and then spent New Years together, which was... interesting. I was trying and have been trying to kind of "low key" things, and not pursue while still being open to us doing things together if she is interested. We got back home quicker than expected from our travels on NY eve, the kids went to gatherings at friends' houses, and we were left with nothing to do and no food in the fridge. I asked her if she wanted to go get something to eat and maybe a drink (It was around 8 at this point) and she said "sure", although she was not happy with the way she looked (she never is these days it seems) and told me I'd need to wait for her to get cleaned up, which I did.

We got to the restaurant/bar about 930, ordered food and drinks, and somehow ended up in a really long, intimate string of conversations that even ventured into a lot of areas about which we had never previously talked. Pretty sure that all started when she started talking with an attractive younger girl and then started in with "what do men want in a woman" and then at one point asked me about porn and what men see in that and what they want to see in that. The conversation became VERY frank at points, involving us talking about sexual techniques and what we preferred and didn't prefer, and then talking about some of our own early liaisons... And something interesting happened here: a couple of our earlier "encounters" from when we were dating/engaged and a lot more hot for each other she at first did not recall at all, or professed not to (and we had had a couple of drinks at this point) but, later, this morning to be exact, she called me on her way into work specifically to tell me that she did in fact remember those times and doesn't know why she did not when we were out on Sunday night. At any rate, the New Years eve night progressed, we ran into a couple of people we knew for a bit and chatted and joked with them, we had a another drink, and shared a champagne toast... and kissed. Nothing real hot and passionate, but at the midnight countdown we were sitting close and talking, and it seemed like the right thing to do and she seemed receptive and I kind of softly said "come here" and pulled her gently in a little closer and we kissed. It wasn't too long or anything, but it was warm (unlike the weird "Test" kiss from a couple of weeks ago where she was really stiff and not receptive) and seemed natural. Not long after, we ubered home to get a bottle and then to a friends house-- single mom we both know with a younger child who was alone with no babysitter and unable to get out new years. Spent several hours, til about 5 AM, up talking and joking and taking turns playing music from our phones to her stereo and singing at the top of our lungs. It was fun, and nice-- really perked this friend of ours up. My W had suggested it as we were getting ready to leave and was really happy that I agreed-- she thanked me repeatedly for it-- "It really meant a lot to her."

Monday was not so nice-- I was a bit hungover but W got one of her famous "delayed hangovers" where she felt fine upon waking but then steadily felt worse throughout the day. She was also coming down with a cold which did not help. We watched foot ball on our family room TV with our sons, and talked a lot--another nice day, but she got progressively sicker, getting the chills and feeling nauseous, and had to go upstairs to the bathroom. I took care of her, brought her sodas and alkaseltzer and advil, sat with her a bit and tried to joke some to keep her spirits up... and something else curious happened here: When I got up to leave at one point she reached out her hand and took mine and said "no, please stay." First time since BD she's ever done anything like that... and I have taken care of her sick on a couple of other occasions-- once with a cold and once that was definitely a hangover (not that she is constantly getting hangovers, but NY's was, I think, the third time in 2017.) And first time she's said "thanks for taking care of me", which she did repeatedly Monday evening and again this morning.

Only couple of hiccups the past two week were on my part with the aforementioned "sleep in" on Christmas morning where I and the two boys overslept while W got up fairly early (though everything ended up well on Christmas Day, we all apologized and she did not stay irritated about it very long) and then on her part the fact that she had that unaccounted-for weekend stop at her office that could have had a couple valid explanations but which never was (I didn't ask directly, though there were several points over the past couple of weeks where that day and/or her office came up and she had a chance to say "Well, I should be in good shape because I stopped by there Saturday and took care of that extra paperwork" or "I stopped by the office to pick up a couple of gifts I had delivered there" and did not but... well... that's actually the subject of one of my "resolutions." She also got a little teary-eyed when she texted with her toxic bff on new years (we both sent around numerous texts to friends and relatives not there with us so I wasn't irritated by her texting in general at that point-- seemed like something everyone was doing), and was realizing that bff is NOT going to be around very much in 2018... BECAUSE BFF IS MOVING TO FLORIDA THIS MONTH, WOO-HOO!!! (Yes, it's definite.)

So, yeah... I would say on my part a definitely heightened level of positivity but also some added "cool" and stand-offishness, and on W's part a definite warming up, a definite increased level of comfort being my wife and being part of the family, and a few more things she's said here and there, including in our somewhat explicit talk Sunday, that make me think she is not looking to have any outside affairs even as she has not done or said anything explicitly to make me think she is all of a sudden "fully committed to being my W, mind body and spirit with no reservations".

I have a couple of resolutions for the new year:

1) To recommit to doing more things for ME in the vein of GAL, whether or not W is participating

2) To stay off the roller coaster of worrying what W is saying or doing, at least in the "micro", hour to hour and day to day sense. This includes not getting too high or encouraged about things that seem to go well (like New Years eve) or too low when things pop up that might make my mind spin (like her unexplained visit to her office.) My assumption, until proven otherwise, is that she is not currently engaged in an A but at the same time that she is not fully committed to working on our MR-- at least not in the sense that I want it worked on. That means I stay level and grounded, don't go out of my way to do things to "work on us", but be receptive if she takes the initiative, but don't distance myself too much or push for an actual separation as long as she continues to respect the only boundary I have so far given her-- "no open marriage, I won't share her" and as long as she continues to show me and the relationship the appropriate respect. If she takes the initiative or lead, then fine, I will participat... but she has unfinished business right now, primarily in the form of IC, and perhaps other things to do on her own journey that have to come from her. Whether or not I need to "have a talk" with her sometime soon to emphasize (set boundary(?)) that I will not live in a sexless marriage and that "working on our MR" for me, by definition, will include working to reestablish a fully intimate MR, as has been previously discussed in this thread.

3) Sort of as a corollary to this is to drop all monitoring of W. I mean, you know, leave open the option to spot check her if something really and obviously suspicious comes up (and I have tended to have pretty good radar here in the past, though not nearly as much lately), but otherwise just let it be. I am pretty comfortable right now with where she stands, and I think if she actually starts to stray will know it and be able to act accordingly.

That's it, my new Years' take...