Yah, I'm down to hoping that the separation will help clarify things for her. And for me. And I'm struggling not to be a d!ck about things, but I will persevere. We have second christmas with her relatives coming up (not scheduled yet) and her birthday coming up. I kind of want to skip them, but we haven't told the kids yet, so I don't want to make it harder.
She's going to be gone on business for a week, so that's good. I get the keys to the apartment soon, so I will be the one setting it up for us. Fun times, right?
I sense a trip to Ikea in my future.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Ha! A trip to IKEA was the last family trip week took a couple days before she moved out. I remember being numb as I walked around the store with her and my children helping them pick out their beds.
Well, this is a studio we'll be bouncing back and forth between, so there's not that much to set up. The kids are staying in the home full time and we're trading off every week. Can't afford two separate residences right now.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
So we had to take a car ride together without the kids, and we had some more conversations. We started talking business, and we got into what to tell the kids. She doesn't want to mention the 'D' word to them yet, just that we're separating and seeing how it goes. Furthermore, she doesn't think we should tell people beyond the ones who know right now. She said it's like sending out an engagement announcement right after asking, or telling people about a pregnancy very early on. You're just not sure right then, and walking back those announcements are painful and hard.
She also said she has a hard time saying the 'D' word. (Which is the opposite of how things were before.)
We talked a bit about logistics, and she had previously been gungho on the apartment, and when I had mentioned Feb 1st as a start date, got upset. (That's earlier in the thread.) She wanted us out as soon as possible after Christmas, so I said I'd try and get us something by the 15th. (After being an ass, of course.) Today she thinks the 15th is too soon after her trip, and may want to postpone the move-in date another week so it isn't so soon after the trip.
I'm having a hard time with this. These seem like they should be seen as positive steps, but before any little snippet of crumbs I jumped on resulted in immediate and hard pullback.
I didn't say anything about Recon, or us not moving out, and instead agreed to her messaging for the kids and not doing a message for friends and family beyond the ones that already know, and said I would be okay pushing out the move-out date.
This seems too early in the process for this to be a real softening, though. I'm still struggling to try and understand her and make sure she understands me. We talked about a miscommunication over child discipline. When I asked again about the 123 magic book, though, she immediately jumped onto saying it's more important to read the co-parenting books (which she has not done yet) instead, so I backed off on the 123 magic book.
Frustrating!
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
So we had to take a car ride together without the kids, and we had some more conversations. We started talking business, and we got into what to tell the kids. She doesn't want to mention the 'D' word to them yet, just that we're separating and seeing how it goes. Furthermore, she doesn't think we should tell people beyond the ones who know right now. She said it's like sending out an engagement announcement right after asking, or telling people about a pregnancy very early on. You're just not sure right then, and walking back those announcements are painful and hard.
I would agree to this.
Originally Posted By: Subitai
She also said she has a hard time saying the 'D' word. (Which is the opposite of how things were before.)
I've noticed this with my W too. She'll use every euphemism possible and even talks to a divorce lawyer friend for advice. But not say the divorce word.
Originally Posted By: Subitai
We talked a bit about logistics, and she had previously been gungho on the apartment, and when I had mentioned Feb 1st as a start date, got upset. (That's earlier in the thread.) She wanted us out as soon as possible after Christmas, so I said I'd try and get us something by the 15th. (After being an ass, of course.) Today she thinks the 15th is too soon after her trip, and may want to postpone the move-in date another week so it isn't so soon after the trip.
This is why I'm big advocate of sitting back and letting them do all the legwork. Is it possible for you to postpone the start of the lease and make it her responsibility? I imagine there's two viewpoints. On the one hand being together means she'll see your 180's (you're working on those correct?). On the other hand, by being alone she may feel lonely the weight of separation might fall on her and influence her thinking.
If you end up staying in the house together, what GAL activities have you been doing? In that situation, I think getting out of the house and socializing with people is even more important.
Part of my 180ing was to listen and work on letting her know I vlaue her needs as well as mine, so getting the apartment organized was part of that, and her attitude towards me improved quite a bit after I took that on...
As for GALing, we are both going out by ourselves once a week, and I have been taking time for myself on the weekends. Mainly going to the gym, reading in the local library, or having dinner by myself or with friends. I am committing to a big event this summer with my brother, which will be nice.
Not many days left of living together. We will see how the separation goes.
And I have agreed to not spreading the word and telling the kids we are living apart for a bit.
The lease isnsigned and first month rent is paid, so I am stuck paying the money, but I would still be fine with a delay on the move in day.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Subitai, I'm so sorry to hear that this move is happening soon. It's so sad for the kids. I wish there'd be some way for you and your wife to fix things. I'm so sad for my daughter in my situation and wish so badly that kids didn't have to suffer through these things. It sounds like you're dealing with everything well. I hope there's still a chance your wife will change her mind. You two are still talking and that's a positive sign.
Subitai, I'm mainly asking out of curiosity as I've never heard of a setup quite like this before, are you saying that you and your W are going to be switching back and forth between the house and apt.? IE, you're both sharing the same house and apt., but switch back and forth week-to-week while the kids stay in the house full time?
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
Ha! A trip to IKEA was the last family trip week took a couple days before she moved out. I remember being numb as I walked around the store with her and my children helping them pick out their beds.
I then went and set it all up
Yup, that was me too. When my XW moved out she of course wanted to take half the furniture (as was her right) but I would have had to buy replacement stuff so the agreement we came to was she would leave almost everything and I would buy her new stuff for her place (not everything she needed, but enough to make it a fair swap). So yeah, we all ended up going to Ikea together, they picked the stuff out, I paid for it and I set it up at her new place. I would do it again too, that was easier for me to deal with then seeing half the stuff in the house go away!
Subitai, I'm so sorry to hear that this move is happening soon. It's so sad for the kids. I wish there'd be some way for you and your wife to fix things. I'm so sad for my daughter in my situation and wish so badly that kids didn't have to suffer through these things. It sounds like you're dealing with everything well. I hope there's still a chance your wife will change her mind. You two are still talking and that's a positive sign.
Yah, we're actually talking more, and more productively, than we have in the last year, I think. But not every day. We go days between substantive discussions. And we're still moving towards Separation. She hasn't asked to recon.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Subitai, I'm mainly asking out of curiosity as I've never heard of a setup quite like this before, are you saying that you and your W are going to be switching back and forth between the house and apt.? IE, you're both sharing the same house and apt., but switch back and forth week-to-week while the kids stay in the house full time?
Yes, it's called Bird Nesting. It doesn't seem to be a long-term stable situation from what I've gleaned online, but it's way less disruptive to the kids, especially if you can't afford two separate residences. It requires a lot more civility, though, because you're sharing space, sharing expenses, etc. Basically you have a business partnership with regards to the living spaces. This way the kids don't have to bounce back and forth, forget their school stuff, etc. The parents put up with the dislocation and juggling.
Most of what I've seen is that it lasts anywhere from a few months to a year or two, and falls apart when somebody gets into a serious relationship and their new partner is not thrilled with sharing space with the ex. Then a new normal needs to be adopted.
It's apparently gaining popularity, but is definitely a 'transitional' phase.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Most of what I've seen is that it lasts anywhere from a few months to a year or two, and falls apart when somebody gets into a serious relationship and their new partner is not thrilled with sharing space with the ex. Then a new normal needs to be adopted.
Hey man, you could all hang together and smoke weed and call it a commune. That way, no one has to move. But, that arrangement would probably only last until there's no more weed.
