I am sure there are still those on this board who would agree with you... I would have advised against your sending a birthday wish to your WW... She doesn't want you... She doesn't care to have a marriage with you... She rejects you again and again... That is your reality...
Really look at yourself: You want a woman you are afraid of, who exhibits wrath when you don't comply, who chose to be with OM, and who continues contact with him, to CHOOSE YOU! WHY???
You need to let her go... Really give her the opportunity to get herself right... That will not happen while she still has a hold on you... And you need to take this time to get yourself right... to overcome your tendency to wilt at conflict... You both have a lot of growing to do... You are fortunate to be in this situation at such a young age... Run with that!
I am sure there are still those on this board who would agree with you... I would have advised against your sending a birthday wish to your WW... She doesn't want you... She doesn't care to have a marriage with you... She rejects you again and again... That is your reality...
Really look at yourself: You want a woman you are afraid of, who exhibits wrath when you don't comply, who chose to be with OM, and who continues contact with him, to CHOOSE YOU! WHY???
You need to let her go... Really give her the opportunity to get herself right... That will not happen while she still has a hold on you... And you need to take this time to get yourself right... to overcome your tendency to wilt at conflict... You both have a lot of growing to do... You are fortunate to be in this situation at such a young age... Run with that!
The advice about the message back in the day made sense, but much has happened since then. So, I would second that you don't send her a message and stay completely NC.
I totally understand having the fear about W's wrath and anger. Trust me, I was like that too. That was totally part of my NGS where I never wanted to do anything to displease her and just keep the peace. But, I realized that it didn't give any space to how I felt and it didn't resolve anything.
I have lost that fear in the past months, mostly because every time I think she's gonna get angry with me about something, I remember how she's been a lying, manipulative person and I don't need to appease someone like that.
2018 is around the corner and make it your mission to get rid of that fear and have some little script in your head that will balance that fear out when it's happening.
End the year on being a strong confident Chris, and strive hard in 2018 to build that up and be even better.
Dangit really? Say nothing? I’m having real trouble with saying nothing. I understand your point; but dang. I know if I say nothing I’m going to get wrath.
....and there is my fear kicking in. I’m frightful she will be mad at me; what the heck is that?! I thought I was over that.
You have been "conditioned" to fear her anger. That's why you get so anxious when she starts texting, and why you feel you still have to console her ten years after her father passed away. She uses anniversaries and other special dates to guilt you giving her the attention she demands. However, she doesn't appreciate it. How can she, when she demands it and uses it to control you?
Gordie: Glad you have a sense of humor.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello board, I did take the advice and did not contact her today. Maybe it's the idea of New Years Day or something, but I did realize she broke up the M by following her emotions into the A. We might have not had a perfect M, but she did cross the line; asked for a S, moved out, told me she wanted a D, and maintained a A over the past half of the year.
I will not commit my emotions or feelings to someone who does not have or want anything to do with me. I need all of my emotions and feelings to better myself for Chris2.0.
I am not mind reading, but I am anticipating some sort of text hate-mail tomrw (or email); for my lack of not contacting her about this day. I will let you know if something comes through.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Good decision! There may be times that the board members sound pretty cold, or even nasty when the LBH is considering some act of kind acknowledgement. Our goal is not to turn you into a jerk, and I believe you know it. We can have a clearer perspective of your situation, b/c we are not personally involved with your WW. And, we have not been conditioned by her, so we aren't afraid of her threats, snide remarks, or nasty texts.
The purpose for not responding to her is to break free of the emotional chains that you thought was a MR. When you have had the time and space away from her intrusion, influence, and demands....you will have a bigger chance at finding the man you want to be...with everyone, in all situations, and at all times. Every time you choose to not respond to the latest childlike/petty text message, your strength and clarity of mind increases. Once you are Chris 2.0, you won't doubt or question what to do regarding your WW.
I was not being sarcastic when I said you have been "conditioned" by her. Being a nice person, you probably go out of your way to express some type of acknowledgement to everyone that is having some sort of anniversary, birthday, special event, etc. And, you are compassionate toward those who are grieving. (You already know where I'm going with this, don't you?)
Did you ever see the Andy Griffith show where his son was being threatened by a bully on his way to school every day? His son, Opie, was giving up his lunch money to this bully, b/c he knew the bully's reputation and didn't want to get beaten up. Of course, Andy talked to Opie about what to do. The bully left Opie alone, once Opie stood up to him. Then Opie was walking taller and felt free as a bird.
This is what I think about when I read your post on doing something to acknowledge the ten year anniversary of your FIL's death. B/c you know her track record when you don't do what she wants. When you don't recognize her birthday, or run to the hospital to see her new nephew, or contact her during the holidays.....you know she's going to say something about it. You dread it as much as Opie dreading running into that bully while walking to school. He finally learned that once he overcame his fear of getting into a fight, it wasn't hard to deal with the bully's tactics....and finally saw him backing down. Essentially, I see about the same thing happening with you and your WW. Just like Opie, you dread about what's coming. Maybe more than you'll admit, and at times it nearly makes you sick at thinking about the onslaught that lies ahead. I'm sure it seems that just doing what she wants and getting over it....is easier than waiting on the ticking bomb to explode.
Handing over your lunch money, is what your WW has trained you to do. You figure it's just easier than receiving her wrath. She knows exactly what you think, b/c that's how she trained you. It's a shame and disgrace how some women treat their H's in such a tacky, pathetic, and bullish manner. But it is downright scary to see how H's buckle beneath the WW's emotional pressure to keep her in a pleasant mood.....or else he suffers the consequences. But here's the thing, Chris. Each time you didn't jump when she said frog......you did not kill over dead, did ya? Even if she made a snide remark about you, that's all that happened, right? Maybe it's just me, but she doesn't seem as consistent as she was in the beginning of the separation.
You said you were not that way in any other area of your life, that it's just in your relationship with her. I think she cleverly manipulated you until you didn't know how to find your way back out of the problem. However, you're slowly doing it now. If you'll just not give in to her, then you can learn from the experience and see that it never happens again. If you want to reconcile the M, then you'd better be a lot stronger than you were when you first arrived here. And.....you are stronger! You need to believe you are.
Whether you'll continue to want her back or not......don't give up on yourself. You can do this. You are doing this.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not mind reading, but I am anticipating some sort of text hate-mail tomrw (or email); for my lack of not contacting her about this day. I will let you know if something comes through.
I'm curious what your fear is about getting angry-grams from her?
Attached- Her happy = you happy Her sad = you sad Her angry = you angry
Detached- Her happy = you happy Her sad = you happy Her angry = you happy
So during my backtracking a couple weeks back (when we went to see our nephew) we discussed something. There is still a lot of our wedding stuff at my folks house - and I discussed going to get it all this weekend so we can have it where we live. We planned try to split everything as best as we could (due to our current situation). Now, I planned on going this weekend, but now I do not really feel like it. I am going to do it in a couple weeks.
She just texted me asking if I was going to my folks house to get the wedding stuff, and then asked me about something in the mail.
Now, bc I am NC; do I need to respond to this? It is not R talk, but rather asset related. I feel I can respond to this with a simply answer to her questions and leave it at that. Any objections her?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
I think it's okay to respond... Tell her this weekend is not going to work for you after all... That you're thinking of doing it in a couple of weeks... She may express disappointment... Don't let her pull you in to a conversation... Don't let her guilt you because you've changed your mind about this weekend... You have that right... And you don't have to explain why you've changed your mind...
