Just a Vanilla Change 35

[Surfer]

Dear Vanilla

Thanks for your comments and care. We are all totally fine now. I will change custody arrangements and all will be well. I live a very happy and peaceful life now. Plenty to do in terms of friends and family and, of course, work.

Like you I felt in part ‘it’ was all my fault as I was told how ‘it’ and ‘this’ was the problem - very regularly. And that I didn’t care, she didn’t matter to me, I was not there for her etc. All of this was staple diet of her ‘case’. The reality, I think is she went WW and I got the abuse and confusion and of course rage that comes with that.

I didn’t see it but you pointing this out and others such as Job, Sandi explaining the patterns of behaviour in such sitch’s helped. Kind of giving me a basic understanding of this alien life.

When you step back it is so much clearer. It’s just a rollercoaster invented for the ride. The choice is whether to take a ride or not. And if you have, do you like it enough to stay on. If not. Get off. All generic stuff we have all heard or ready many, many times. But it is really that simple.

I expect I will move on 100% soon. I am getting there. I rarely have feelings for STBEX that are any different than those I might have for a neighbour. I don’t find her attractive as a person or a female but I do care if that makes sense.

Having been dating for sometime I am also comfortable that it’s not me (our MGC said that it was her in front of us both - highly controversial but I understand why she did now). I played my part in the problems in our R but her decisions and actions were hers. Of course, they are white washed now and the magnifying glass is on my actions. Yet those that know me know the truth. But hey, I am sure her R with OM really didn’t happen and if it did it wouldn’t have been a problem (such is the history Re-writing way of the WW and abuser)!

I am very comfortable with me being a nice and kind person and not a horrible person pretending to be nice to curry favour - her story it seems.

I do miss the marriage and family R I thought we had. I expect it didn’t exist how I saw and felt it. I also have wondered if her abuse was a temporary thing. But I expect from the book and feedback from Patricia Evans that this is highly unlikely. It is more likely a learned behaviour and a coping mechanism or habit which I can now trace back to a few months into our relationship (from 1998). There were times of extreme provocation, me trying to escape arguments/rages (by sleeping in cars, locking myself in bathrooms etc). It’s quite comical, looking back - but typical from what I understand.

Anyway. I am happy. So are the kids and my family and that’s all that matters.

Like you I have blown some serious cash on this separation to date. With the settlement it will be a terrifying sum I am sure. But every penny is worth it. Not just for me, but the kids too (mostly - I took so much for so long trying to make it work and protect them, ultimately I did). I feel like an amazing Dad when I look at how I have handled things.

So I hold my head high. Sat on the tube, heading into town. It’s a Mummy day. Time for Me to spent time with a special lady I met some time ago.

Surfer.