Good decision! There may be times that the board members sound pretty cold, or even nasty when the LBH is considering some act of kind acknowledgement. Our goal is not to turn you into a jerk, and I believe you know it. We can have a clearer perspective of your situation, b/c we are not personally involved with your WW. And, we have not been conditioned by her, so we aren't afraid of her threats, snide remarks, or nasty texts.
The purpose for not responding to her is to break free of the emotional chains that you thought was a MR. When you have had the time and space away from her intrusion, influence, and demands....you will have a bigger chance at finding the man you want to be...with everyone, in all situations, and at all times. Every time you choose to not respond to the latest childlike/petty text message, your strength and clarity of mind increases. Once you are Chris 2.0, you won't doubt or question what to do regarding your WW.
I was not being sarcastic when I said you have been "conditioned" by her. Being a nice person, you probably go out of your way to express some type of acknowledgement to everyone that is having some sort of anniversary, birthday, special event, etc. And, you are compassionate toward those who are grieving. (You already know where I'm going with this, don't you?)
Did you ever see the Andy Griffith show where his son was being threatened by a bully on his way to school every day? His son, Opie, was giving up his lunch money to this bully, b/c he knew the bully's reputation and didn't want to get beaten up. Of course, Andy talked to Opie about what to do. The bully left Opie alone, once Opie stood up to him. Then Opie was walking taller and felt free as a bird.
This is what I think about when I read your post on doing something to acknowledge the ten year anniversary of your FIL's death. B/c you know her track record when you don't do what she wants. When you don't recognize her birthday, or run to the hospital to see her new nephew, or contact her during the holidays.....you know she's going to say something about it. You dread it as much as Opie dreading running into that bully while walking to school. He finally learned that once he overcame his fear of getting into a fight, it wasn't hard to deal with the bully's tactics....and finally saw him backing down. Essentially, I see about the same thing happening with you and your WW. Just like Opie, you dread about what's coming. Maybe more than you'll admit, and at times it nearly makes you sick at thinking about the onslaught that lies ahead. I'm sure it seems that just doing what she wants and getting over it....is easier than waiting on the ticking bomb to explode.
Handing over your lunch money, is what your WW has trained you to do. You figure it's just easier than receiving her wrath. She knows exactly what you think, b/c that's how she trained you. It's a shame and disgrace how some women treat their H's in such a tacky, pathetic, and bullish manner. But it is downright scary to see how H's buckle beneath the WW's emotional pressure to keep her in a pleasant mood.....or else he suffers the consequences. But here's the thing, Chris. Each time you didn't jump when she said frog......you did not kill over dead, did ya? Even if she made a snide remark about you, that's all that happened, right? Maybe it's just me, but she doesn't seem as consistent as she was in the beginning of the separation.
You said you were not that way in any other area of your life, that it's just in your relationship with her. I think she cleverly manipulated you until you didn't know how to find your way back out of the problem. However, you're slowly doing it now. If you'll just not give in to her, then you can learn from the experience and see that it never happens again. If you want to reconcile the M, then you'd better be a lot stronger than you were when you first arrived here. And.....you are stronger! You need to believe you are.
Whether you'll continue to want her back or not......don't give up on yourself. You can do this. You are doing this.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
