Yes, if she was being truthful, then yes it was in that vein. Either she stuck it out for the kids and sucked it up for the next 10 years and D me after they grraduated high school or she just went ahead and did it now to give me a chance to find happiness while I was young.
She said similiar things at BD as well about how this would be good for me so I could find someone to make me happy. Like she was doing this for the both of us.
She has said enough stuff though, has still not followed through with D, so I really don't believe any of it.
I've been marathon reading self help books and posts on this site including your sitch. I see a lot of similarities in our sitches. It's difficult to give weight to anything the W says when they are in crisis mode, but when she makes comments about whether I was happy, or says "I'll find someone new" it makes me think that she's confused and dealing with something internally. I've suspected perimenopause as possibly a factor in triggering the second cycle of my W's MLC. Do you suspect this to be a factor in your sitch?
If I had to guess it was a perfect storm of her job change, feeling better about herself and me having a job change that left me feeling bad about myself. She started to feel more positive and attractive about herself and I started feeling the opposite. Just my guess as I never got into the physics of it.
Happy New Year everyone! My parents are in town for a few days so it has been fun hanging out with them and the kiddos. My oldest got invited to a New Years Eve party last night at 1 of her soccer friends house so we went over there and she wanted to stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop. It was really fun and probably the first time I realized she is turning into a big girl! The W is out in Cali for the week visiting her brother and sister. So we shall see if she pursues D after she returns. I am cool either way and am not too focused on it. I know that I am great guy with a lot to offer so her loss.
M....the NUTS book is a good read. It just helps you define what your non-negotiables are for you as a person and in your next relationship. It also helps you identify your boundaries so for example if 1 of your NUTS is going rock climbing 2 times per week and your W asks you to watch the kids for a night so she can go out. Your cool with it because you have not sacrificed your NUTS. I hope that makes sense. It's a quick read.
Happy New Year J! Sounds like you had a great break and spent some amazing time with your daughters.
The NUTS book sounds pretty interesting and I am going to get it. Just listening to a podcast about 'Emotional Agility' and the book sounds really good. I am going to get that as well.
I hope your W makes some move or the other after Cali. At least you have clarity on where you stand and what you want.
The book helps you set your own boundaries so when your W asks you to do something you are more willing to do it becuase you have not sacrificed our own boundaries assuming she hasn't asked you to do something that compromises 1 of your NUTS. Truthfuly everyone has them is just never looked at them like this before.
I would be really shocked if she made a move. The funny thing is that over the past couple of weeks I have really started to see her for who is at this moment in her life. Everything is superficial, no substance, all about her and I do get the sense she is scared.
We approaching 7 months of separation so the newness and the honeymoon phase should be wearing off. The things I have done to improve my life have really helped with my self-confidence and I feel much better about myself. I do feel the respect is coming back, I don't put much into her words but I don't see the same resentment in her eyes, she is not constantly trying to get me to watch the children and really, in a nut-shell she is not fuching with me like other sitchs on this board. So the only thing I know to do is to keep doing what I am doing and see if she starts to come around. I don't think there is much more that I can do so the rest is up to her. I think knowing that also helps me let go.
The longer this goes on as well the more I can see the laws of attraction starting to kick in. I don't think I saw this early on as she was wound up like a Cat 5 Hurricane but now that she is not wound so tight I can see where being distant, not pursuing, etc. would start to benefit the R.
I am not saying she wants to recon but now I can see where you can't help your R in the first few months, only hurt it, I can I am also starting to see where if you can make it through the initial rush of emotions you got a chance and that is where the pursuit/distance factors and everything else that we discuss around her comes into play.
Hey dude! Happy New year! This our year! Did you do anything fun to ring it in?
The idle threats of moving forward with D combined with her soften some (again not that she wants to recon) make me feel at times she is scared, throwing that stuff out there to see if I will bite or take a step forward with R talks to fuel her fire again. Like the storm is weakening and she is hanging on, trying to grab onto anything to keep it going so it won't die out.
I went to a house party at some friends which really put a lot of things in perspective to me. One woman was there alone because her husband got drunk at 9:00 am. He just lost his job and there marriage is in shambles. The woman who hosted the party got mad at her husband and lock herself in the bedroom and would not come out. At ball drop not one of the 5 couples there kissed or hugged or anything.
I guess what my point is I am starting to realize that I have hope. I have learned so much in the last three years that I feel I will know how to make a relationship last. These people do not and they don't have nor seek the knowledge to make their marriages better.
As for my W she asked if she could stay until she finds a house because she doesn't want to pay rent and move the kids twice. I told her I would think about it. I also said since you may be here awhile as long as you are not seeing anyone I would like to start having sex again. She said she wasn't so we did lol! It was good with no attachment.
I am ready to let her go and we'll set what the future holds. I know for sure I am blessed with a lot of great things in my life and things could be so much worse.
I texted my Ws cousin who is going through a difficult time that 2018 is our year. I really believe it. It was January 1, 2017 when W said she wants to go through with D and I am in such a way better place in one year.
I have noticed that myself, I am much more keenly aware of couples and can tell if they are having problems a mile away or might have in the future.. It makes me feel bad that I got into this position and wasn't able to lead us out of it at the time but I was naive and didn't have the knowledge. Maybe I will get the opportunity before it's too late. There is a part of me that really wants to put my new R skills to use.
Yes, you should have hope! Are you 100% convinced your W is done? I know the D proceedings are under way but........ Do you think having sex with her again will re-kindle some of those feelings she has for you? I wouldn't be surprised if she initiates some conversation.
Everyone of us has positive things going on in our lives but we put so much focus on our W's that we lose sight of it. Yes, things could be much worse we are blessed in so many ways. Everyone has ups and downs in life, this is just a blip on the radar.
Grinding has become easier outside of not having physical contact with a woman I really am good. I have no problems being by myself and doing things alone. Going to that New Years Eve party with my D and hanging around people I didn't know was really out of my comfort zone. I new that going into the situation but forced myself to stay vs dropping her off and going back to pick her up. No hot, single ladies though so that aspect was a little dissapointing.
