I am glad I came over to newcomers because this is an excellent post. I agree. If someone that leaves wants to come back they will make it happen. And its a hard thing to accept upon acute BD. Its a hard thing to just let go. To release that control.
There are still times I look back and wonder if only I had not done or reacted in that way... Would it have made a difference?
And yes. Our projections do keep us attached.
I remember upon acute BD keeping a notebook filled with any interactions I had with ex. A positive column and a negative column, and analyzing what I did right and what I could have done differently. I remember how I would come on here and post because I could not keep my emotions... my anger and hurt hidden from him and in check. (In fact you were the one that would often respond to my posts filled with regret that I had ruined any chances of reconciliation Thank you btw)
I would reflect upon how there were spouses here willing to forgive their exes for infidelity and stealing and lying and how my ex would not forgive me for my reactions.
I gave him too much power. But I also gave myself too much power, and I am still having difficulty forgiving him and myself for our failure at marriage. He failed at commitment. But I failed at a pretty deep level as well and its hard to recognize what was me and what was reactions to a dynamic that was built from both our inexperience and experiences.
I think you are right about the only way out of the pain is living in the present and practicing gratitude. But I struggle in the same ways 2016 does. But a good resolution none the less.
Thank you btw)
