Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[sandi2]

Sure, lots of men and women have these issues....but that doesn't mean they don't learn how to deal with it, resolve or dissolve the problems. Both H's & W's do something that the other one finds unattractive or resent.

This is just a list of things that can lead to the W holding resentment in her heart and it turning into disrespect for him. It doesn't mean they get D over it. Some people live together for 65 years that have lots of resentment....however, it is very rare to see these days. Personally, I think we are too quick to get a D b/c of the times in which we live. We have a different mindset than our grandparents had.

So why do these WS have this love and respect for OM?

I am so glad you asked, Thread. I've been meaning to comment on this very thing!

First, you have to remember that the WW is in a fantasy of her own making. What she feels for the OM is not real, except for maybe feelings of lust. I find it very difficult to believe she feels true love, if you understand the nature of waywardness. He is simply a part of her rebellion. But of course, she wants to see the OM as her shining knight on a white horse. Therefore, she's going to believe the b.s. he throws at her, and usually, she'll find something totally opposite from her H in this OM.

For example: My H had went into a self-employed business (if you could call it that), but he wasn't self-disciplined or driven enough to be his own employer. Anyway, he borrowed a ton of money by putting a another mortgage on our home....and sank us into a lot of debt. Needless to say, I was not pleased, and I did not feel very secure.

When I met the OM, he was not as handsome as my H. In fact, it was not the OM's looks that attracted me. It was what I thought I saw in him. He was single, had a very nice income and job security and a position of authority. He was a take charge kind of man, and that really appealed to me. I didn't have to wait all day to get an answer when I asked him a simple question, like I did with my passive H. We would actually carry on a two-way conversation, where as it was always one-sided with my non-verbal H. And of course, he fed my ego.....a lot!

Did I respect the OM? No, I did not know him well enough to respect him. I liked what he told me. I liked the man I thought (and wanted) him to be. I wanted the fantasy so badly, that if you had asked me back then if I respected the OM, I would have probably said yes....in defense, if nothing else. I was blinded by my own fantasy. And when a WW is in that particular time-slot....it is probably going to take something pretty drastic to shake her to her senses. That is why I think it's more successful when the H dumps his WW immediately upon learning about a third party. A supplicating H is just not going to jar her senses. Even letting her go, may not initially appear to be working.....but it does, if the H doesn't mess it up.

The attraction I first felt for the OM was too shallow to be anything else. I didn't know him, so how could I respect him....really? I didn't know how he treated the employees under him. I didn't know if his word could be trust, if he was reliable, compassionate or kind. I thought he must be pretty smart...and tough to have his job. I didn't know how he interacted with family or friends, or how he treated them. I didn't know his true character. I didn't know his principles and values. I only knew what he wanted me to know. I had not live with him, nor worked with him. I did not know anyone who knew him. Until we know a person's reputation, history/track record, character, integrity, behavior/actions, and know them in a crisis......all we know is what they tell us, and maybe what we think we see at the moment....which can be deceiving at times. I've always said we don't really know a person until we live or work with them. So, unless we've done one or the other.....we don't really know them enough to respect or disrespect them as a person.

Another thing with the whole WW and OM affair is that it is not a relationship that was built on anything other than deceit and lust. How can respect be born from this union? How could trust ever come to into the picture? It usually takes time and some type of experience or knowing the track record of that person, in order to build respect. In a dating and engagement relationship, the couple has time to get better acquainted and learn more about each other. Their mutual attraction and respect will grow.....or they will go their separate ways. After marriage, their relationship will be tested many times. If they have enough maturity and enough respect for each other, they usually can pull through the crisis. If not, they will go their separate ways (at least emotionally).

In an affair, the attraction is connected to lust and built upon deceit. In a marriage, the attraction is connected to respect and built upon truth.