Wife wont admit to affair and its driving me nuts!

[Morbo]

1. Proceeds of the sale of his house £350k
2. His salary for 4.5 years less the sum he put into our joint account which he wants back £206k
3. His redundancy £108k
4. His pension scheme lump sums £185k
5. Money he took from our joint accounts

Well, no such worries on our end. We're both penniless
and living the American dream of paycheck to paycheck
and pray that no bad stuff comes along in the meantime.
My "retirement" will most likely be as a Walmart greeter until
I shuffle off this mortal coil..lol

[Morbo]

So keeping on keeping on.
NC, going dark, just looking after my girls, working and exercising lots.
Also, making a list of what I want to do in the next year for ME..

Wife came to collect girls today, earlier than normal.
She was really upbeat, chipper and I know I should be detached but it kinda irritates me a bit.
Anyway, I looked, smelled good(she's got to see what she's gonna lose) and I tried to not let it bother me. Kept it pleasant, distant didnt ask about her New Years plans. She is matching my distance and NC now, I'm noticing.

We had a little argument about the girls schoolclothes, something really small but she made feel like a 5 year old which was a common thing in our marriage. Made me feel like an idiot.
I dont miss that and I had forgotten about it but am really seeing it as the NC is kicking in and the "fog" is lifting. She would never talk to anyone else like that, I guess I've left her get away with it too long.
I would have said something cutting there but kids were there..
It really riled me though.

Then she was looking at my Christmas cards on the counter. One was from my mom where she had thanked me for what I had done over the year, I guess it was just words of encouragement. It was nice, really touched me. For some reason though it REALLY pi**ed off W who took it as an insult and started playing the victim and said that she was dead to my family now, even though my mom had sent her a gift and one sibling sent a gift. No one has been nasty, just not contacting her.
I said that this is what happens with a breakup and our road to divorce. People go on different sides and you just dont hear from them again. '

Think my W is under illusion that when my parents come over that we'll all hang out as a happy family and then she'll go home to her house(or wherever..'cough' OM 'cough').
I think consequences of her actions are starting to become clear to her and its probably not going to happen. Again, I'll repeat..HER LOSS.
BUT, knowing her, she'll play the victim, and take out her anger on me, no apology, I know her too well.

Anyway, 2 days now to do what I want. Got some nice work lined up and hanging out with friends tomorrow. Then plans with friends and my girls for New Years.

I know its tough for all of us here, incredibly painful what we go through but I really appreciate all the insights, the help, the genuine concern. It means a lot to me, 'sniff'..

Have a great weekend :-)

[sandi2]

BUT, knowing her, she'll play the victim, and take out her anger on me, no apology, I know her too well.

Magnify what you already know about her....and you'll have it about right.

[Morbo]

So had a few days away from W and girls.
Completely NC/dark from me and heard nothing from her either
til I texted her this morning(NY eve) telling me when to drop off the kids.Was busy the past few days, exercising, practicing, working and making plans for next year. My finances are getting better(credit cards coming down, paying back personal family loan) and I realize that was a huge part of our
marital difficulties, her inability to understand saving, too much credit cards etc
She never listened to me and just thought I was an idiot or a miser.
That comes directly from her mom who racked up huge debt in the family.
I started new savings accounts with the girls and made a big deal of bringing them to the counter where they deposited their new savings.
They're going to learn the value of saving, money from me. I've also set up
direct debits for savings for them and also sent W their info if she wants to contribute.

Anyway, she hung out for a while, talked about a couple of things they were doing and her plans for NY eve. I was nice but just polite and didnt ask any questions.

Then s**t got interesting.

W left and I worked in yard as girls were cycling and playing.
After an hour or two, youngest D came up to me crying and upset and asked when we would be divorced as she didnt want that and and wanted us all to be together again. I said, "I didnt know" and said the usual "Mom and dad love you and and nothing will change too much" etc
Then oldest D came up, was acting weird and said that they were out the previous day at the movies with mom and OM and then went for sushi and then on to yogurtology. Mom told her not to say anything. Oldest D is smart, she's heard me muttering obscenities about OM under my breath and knows whats going on.

Even though I know you guys here have told me that W is 100% having an affair, I still had doubts but I knew a line had been crossed now and so I called her. Tense conversation, "We're friends etc"LOL, and she kept steering it away from how she had nobody. "poor me", "you are a terrible person" and blah, blah. I kept it up and told her she was a liar and I didnt believe a word of it. After 15 mins of BS from her, I hung up. Then I talked to the girls again and found out they were with OM and W a few times and also at his house and his pool, all together. Oldest D said that although OM is ok guy they felt uncomfortable with the way OM and W look and interact with each other.. OM is seriously rich too and he's trying to buy their affections.
Called W again, but she's finding it harder and harder to deny anything although she's still blatantly lying, but I have everything I need to know and she hangs up after 5 minutes.

I have a 100% WW who has been cheating with boss/OM since at least nov 16. Not sure if PA started then. If she had told me then, it would have been hard to take but at least she could have been honest. People fall out of love, I get it.
But the way strung me along, baited me, gaslighted me caused untold misery to me and my girls for over a year. She completely tried to f**kin destroy me. EVERYTHING Sandi has said about the dark hearts of WW's is true.

So, I told family about it. She's now off the family whatsapp, my mom and dad dont want anything to do with her. She's lost me, she's lost my family. She's lost the respect of her daughters. Not sure if much will change and if OM is going to step more into the picture
but she knows the consequences of her actions and EVERYONE is going to know.

My only question is although I know W is reaping what she sowed, OM has been having a
great time with my W and probably both laughing at my expense. He also called me back in may 17 completely denying any wrongdoing, he was smooth as f**k and I of course believed him.
Soo, how do I make this piece of s**t suffer the consequences of his actions?

I really, REALLY want to go into their office where they both work and I want to announce what pieces of crap they both are, embarrass the f**k out of the both of them in front of all their co-workers to see. I wont be physical or anything, I KNOW I cant go down that road.
Is this a good idea? Should I just let this go?

Anyway, the sense of relief is amazing. I had a great new years last night with my daughters
and good friends.
2018 is going to be so much better :-)

[Vapo]

Let it the fcuck go. Karma will take care of it. The best revenge is for you to be happy and to be an awesome role model for your girls. Rise above it, karma will get them and no need for you to be consumed by it.

Now you know, the veil has been lifted from your eyes, you will also notice that you will become more finely tuned as it come to people and feelings. It is almost like a superpower. And you will be able to spot a liar from 500 ft. A couple for superpowers will be bestowed on you if you play your cards right. I know I must sound like a nut job to you, but trust me on this one.

So once again. LEt it go, DO NOT do to OM's work and make a scene and possibly get arrested. Let that $hit go, deal with your anger in a healthy way.

[Sotto]

I agree with Vapo and strongly advise taking the higher road on this. I never once engaged with OW on anything and I have no regrets about that. The thing is, many OPs love the drama and I wouldn't feed into that at all.

Vapo is right about karma. My view on karma is that it is a natural unfolding of events based on your earlier behaviour and choices. Example - you choose to get involved with a married man. He leaves his wife. Both of you then get to be in a relationship with someone who cheats (rather than tries to save his marriage) and who is willing to get involved with a married man. When life becomes stormy, as lives so often do, they aren't likely to traverse those seas well.

I would take a stance of - hey if you want to have an affair and leave our marriage, go. Be robust and specific. You have lost her and you will need to start dealing with that grief and GAL to start filling the void that she left. Whether she turns and wants to come back is up to her, but that is unlikely to happen in the short term and she would have some work to do if she wants back in at some point.

I think you are bang on the money with the finances. Your W didn't have a good role model, which is a shame and make sure you take any reasonable protective steps to look after important assets. I think that is a good example to set for your girls.

As for her and OM. I once read that that only something like 3% of affairs actually transition into longer term relationships - after 7 years (I know that's a longish time!) 97% of those relationships had failed....who knows what may happen going forwards.

Self-focus and forward motion are what you need here and some private grief and anger time too. Plus be the rock for your girls. Be minimally available to your W and only for kid stuff and leave yucky OM to wallow in his own pond. He is beneath your notice and if it wasn't him, it would just have been someone else if she was inclined to stray.

Best wishes - this may be a hard year for you, but you can make it hard AND good.

[Sotto]

Oh and I'm with you on the relief thing. I felt just the same. I knew at some level but of course it was being denied and there was gas lighting. I was relieved that I knew the score (whilst horrible) and I hadn't been going completely crazy!

[Morbo]

So once again. LEt it go, DO NOT do to OM's work and make a scene and possibly get arrested. Let that $hit go, deal with your anger in a healthy way.

Yeah, I realize I was being a crazy person, lol.
I'm not going to do it, going to take the high road.
I have however asked my girls to tell me exactly when they see him, how he acts around them etc
W and OM are going to be embarrassed enough tomorrow when I drop the kids to her work, only at the door, no confrontation. Older D is pretty disgusted by it all.

Be minimally available to your W and only for kid stuff and leave yucky OM to wallow in his own pond. He is beneath your notice and if it wasn't him, it would just have been someone else if she was inclined to stray.

Yes, there's no doubt she'd cheat with someone else. I already see flirting like hell with other dudes on Facebook.

So, no apologies yet from her. I contacted her today regarding Credit cards in my name that she uses and are almost maxed out. I didnt wish her happy New Year or anything. I have a feeling I'm going to be f**ked ovder for that. Going to talk to my bank tomorrow about what I can do and if we can divide the 2 cards into separate names.

[Vapo]

So once again. LEt it go, DO NOT do to OM's work and make a scene and possibly get arrested. Let that $hit go, deal with your anger in a healthy way.

Yeah, I realize I was being a crazy person, lol.
I'm not going to do it, going to take the high road.
I have however asked my girls to tell me exactly when they see him, how he acts around them etc
W and OM are going to be embarrassed enough tomorrow when I drop the kids to her work, only at the door, no confrontation. Older D is pretty disgusted by it all.

HeII no. Do not ask your girls to report back to you! What's the matter with you?!? NEVER, and I mean NEVER use your kids as a listening device!

Let that $hit go! You cannot control it, so best not open that can of worms.

You go and be the best dad in the world for your girls and it will pay dividends. Again, NEVER(!) use your treasures for information. It will come back and bite you in the a$$. And trust me, you do not need any more OM in your life.

[Morbo]

I have however asked my girls to tell me exactly when they see him, how he acts around them etc

You're totally right , Vapo.

I'm not thinking straight at this moment in time. I know that I'm still processing and trying to let go of the anger.

I'm not going to use my girls as listening devices, sorry if it sounded that way. I dont ever really want to mention OM in front of my kids again, I know its not suitable for them. Its not fair for them. BUT if I ever hear from them that he has been acting inappropriately or upsetting them, dude is in trouble.

I have been a great dad, they want to be with me all the time. I'm parenting now the way I always wanted to and its really showing. So proud of these little girls right now. We've never been closer, its the one silver lining from this whole experience.