Separation imminent (cont.)

[Hermes]

So things didn’t go well at Xmas.
Spent time with her family.... made and took cookies back hers were in a sealed box.
I stole making cookies and overshadowed hers with the several varieties I made... “no one even cared about hers”.
I also was somewhat affectionate to her and she Hated this... and called me out on it when we got back (either I don’t get it which is disturbing or I do and don’t care which is even more disturbing and hurtful).

I was also helpful at her parents (and I “took over everything” her words). And she’s worried about my mental state as”it seems to be deteriorating” and I look “physically ill” and she “can’t look at me” after going from
Morbidly obese to just slightly overweight.
I also stole skiing from her (she’s asked 5 years in a row and I said no. This year because I’m not morbidly obese or depressed I said yes to my son asking... so she decided not to go as “I’m more important to spend time with S15).

Now today it’s an argument over me trying to help a family member of hers out by being a friend to them while they are going through a rough patch... she asked me 10 mins after I was on phone if I spoke to them. I said yes then it became an argument about how I wasn’t going to tell her until she called me out.
I told her I would always tell her immediately.... she said it doesn’t matter.

She asked me what we spoke about. I just mentioned vague details about how they were doing better which became an argument about how the next time they fall apart I can pick up the pieces as I obviously know more than they do. And how they save up their venom for family members....

I said we didn’t even get into any of that...

I then made the supreme mistake of saying that in just s few days you won’t ever have to speak to me again.. and she said we will need to collaborate on the kids. I said we won’t need to speak about anything else ever again... and I volunteered how I know I’m evil incarnate for her.... she got angry about me going to extremes and making i all about me when she’s just upset over her family member and me hiding speaking to them...

I said yes and mentioned the other things she is upset with which became I knew I shouldn’t have shared any of that with you.... you always assume the worst...

So I finally said I am going to remove myself for a bit as I’m getting emotional right now.

I am to the point where I almost just want her out of my life. She’s mean spirited, toxic, unforgiving, lying to me constantly about the OM and her A... and hiding the fact that she’s leaving me for him.. (even though they’ve got mad plans together....)

Oh and she found my DR book in my car glovebox and says she didn’t look at it (found it on my desk face down) she claims she didn’t want it floating around her car for kids to find....

I tried to validate her feelings early on about her family member, if I were in your shoes I’d probably be upset and feel
Like I am undermining what you and your family are trying to accomplish with him... I’d feel pretty anxious about this... but I feel like this I’m making a connection with him so I plan on continuing o speak to him.

She said you just validated me.... so now what... then you need to go learn a few more lines...

I’ve been trying to act as if for almost 2.5 weeks and it appears things are getting worse not better the closer we get to telling kids, parents, and separation.

She refuses to acknowledge the role of the afffair in any of this.

Everything I say or do is under an increasing microscope with her and she’s getting progressively angrier at me.

I have tried pretty hard to be more consistent these past several weeks. To be more even keeled and stick with something long enough to see if it works. I don’t spy in any way shape or form anymore which has helped immensely with my ability to remain much calmer around her...

I am not responding with anger nor am I rasing my voice to her. I can’t seem to get through to her with validation or making a connection that I get how she feels.

Know she’s leaving either way at this point.