I believe my W is in the second cycle of her midlife crisis, which would be about four years after BD1. I thought she had made it through the first cycle. She was open to MC that time, with pressure from her family, and after 13 weeks of MC it seemed we were on our way to being happy together. BD 2 occurred in October. I tried to reason, which just seemed natural to me at the time but now know it probably pushed her further away. She had privately met with an attorney to plan divorce prior to BD 2. She was deadset on divorce after BD 2, taking every chance to remind me that she doesn’t love me and that I need to let her go. She hasn’t mentioned divorce I would say the last two weeks. The law here is that we have to be separated for 12 months until divorce can be filed. Prior to BD 2 things I thought were going well. We were having amazing sex once a week and no huge arguments. After BD 2 and during my attempts at reasoning with her, the kitchen sink was thrown at me and arguments spanning our entire relationship were used against me. Says she’s been “pretending” for a long time and that we should have split a long time ago. She’s not open to MC this time saying it would be a waste of time. She moved out a few weeks ago and takes the kids on the weekends. I’ve been focusing on myself and the kids, and have not discussed our relationship unless she brings it up. She still spends a lot of time at the house with the entire family, but if I were to ask her whether she still wanted a divorce, I am sure the answer would be ‘yes’.
Any thoughts as to what stage she might be in? The day she moved out she shared with me that she was crying all day. Would this qualify as depression, or would it need to be over a longer period? She hasn’t been sleeping well and constantly taking naps. This could be due though to the amount of exercise she does. Prior to BD 1 she lost 100+ lbs. and has kept up a pretty strenuous exercise routine. My guess is that she’s spending time alone at her apartment as well. Maybe a sign of withdrawal?
It sounds like your wife wasn't allowed to finish up the first round of her MLC. She needs to complete the entire process and hopefully, come out the other side a healed, mature woman. People interfering won't help...it just prolongs the process.
I would probably say that she's in a mix of replay and depression. They do tend to stay in their holes. Withdrawal is when she withdraws from a lot of the things she normally would be doing, i.e., lack of communication w/friends/family, not going out and doing things, not exercising, etc. She's not hit the very dark, deep depression yet. MLC's main ingredient is depression. Depression is about the past and anxiety is about the future.
My advice...don't ask her if she still wants a divorce...leave her be. Give her as much space and time as possible. She can't miss you if you are reminding her that you are there. If she brings up the relationship/divorce, just be honest and tell her that you need time to adjust to things and will let her know when you are ready to discuss it.
For now, keep the focus on you and your kids. Leave her to figure things out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Last edited by job; 12/31/1712:54 AM. Reason: Added a new thread link
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the info job. I have read DR, and will go through the rest of your homework assignments. If I understand the chapter in DR on MLC correctly, all that can be done is to wait for the MLCer to get through it, and to try not and prolong things that might push away the MLCer away?
I've taken the approach of trying to get her relax when we are together. So trying to reduce unnecessary conflict and not getting baited into arguments. I've stopped talking about the relationship unless she brings it up and even then I am consciously trying to listen and validate.
We spent XMas day together as a family and things went relatively well. She mentioned that she enjoyed spending it together as a family and that we should do it every year. You can imagine my surprise as this is an MLCer that moved out in order to get the clock ticking on a D. I sort of smiled and nodded, with the mindset that I should act as if we will be R in the future. But as with any positive development with an MLCer I took it with a grain of salt, as she did some backsliding a few days later and reminded me that she wants a divorce.
You are currently on moderation, but I have requested that you be released from it. Hopefully, this action will take place in the next couple of days.
Also, I have added an additional thread link that one of our posters recently created, which will now be part of the "Welcome" posting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep in mind, that this is a small community of restored marriages because some posters leave before reconciliation and we don't know what happened to them. Also, the people who are divorced and do not reconcile are success stories too. They have gone on to become stars who have met the MLC monster head on and saved themselves.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
