Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

[Gordie]

Job—thanks. Our conversations about open M are over for now. She knows where I stand and is no longer an open conversation.

AP—thanks again. She was really pressing me about why I basically stopped begging and pleading. No, I did not mention d b. But that approach obviously wasn’t working, but she didn’t like it when I stopped.

Life Twists—interesting you (and others) see a more positive outlook whereas in my heart I feel in my heart that I’m getting to the end...of the final nail going in the coffin of it being over. I have no idea what happens after I move out.

Sjohn—that was very insightful. I hadn’t thought of that and it certainly rings true. I don’t like not being able to return her pursuit and attempts at emooonal connection and affection.

Sotto—when she said that like many other things, I just shake my head. So, being with him makes you appreciate me? It’s scrambled eggs for brains and thought...I just don’t get it.

Journaling:

I found an apartment that I don’t dislike and will meet my near term needs and budget. I put in an application and it’ll take a few days or so to process before I have to put down a deposit for a one year lease. I do this with a mix of sadness to leave the marital residence, but it no longer feels like home. I don’t know if the rental will feel like home either but I finally feel ready for this step.

Stbx has been in hot pursuit. She literally has followed me around the house! She tries to touch me when she can. She’s been cooking and cleaning and paying attention to the kids when at home. When she goes out without telling me where she is going or when she will be back I have been doing things with the kids. She doesn’t like coming home and all of us not being there, but that’s not my problem.

She asked me of my plans with the kids yesterday and I told her and she joined us. This no longer gets my hopes up or raises my expectations as I know she is still seeing OM2 and there’s no sign that is going to end any time soon. I know she’s getting her “family time” and “OM2 time” but I don’t yet feel comfortable telling her she can’t come with us as the little kids are always begging her to join us and it doesn’t spoil my fun.

One thing that has changed since I blew up a few weeks ago is that she has not brought the kids around OM2. I can’t control this but I do feel it is healthier for the kids not to have OM2 in their faces. I also fear once I move out she will start bringing OM2 around the house but can’t let that fear keep me from moving out.

Happy New Year to all! May 2018 bring peace, with or without our spouses. I really do appreciate how much support y’all have given me.