Seriously debating not wearing the ring anymore, I feel so despondent about the MR right now. But we haven’t told the kids yet, and they are not stupid. We are goig to the MC this week, I am going to ask W if she wants to go alone, or have half the time alone. She has no IC right now and is clearly having a hard time.
I am starting to understand some of her statements now. I think she thinks I am a narccicist and I only do things for myself. That I have no empathy. I am a deeply wounded person, which my IC has pointed out, but I do not believe her assessments. My wife IS clearly more empathetic than me, but mu closed offness is due to trauma, not disdain for others.
I know ths is a marathon. I badly need my second wind to kick in.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
She said “I love you....by the way.”. I didn’t know what to say, so I said “Thank you.”. She said she wasn’t saying it to get me to say it back.
Is this what is meant by a temp check?
Absolutely! Look at how well it almost worked. Good job at not saying it back.
Remember one the 37 rules being not to believe what she says? Well, telling you that she loves you, fall in that category. Just ignore and see it has her trying to manipulate you. Sad to say, but it happens all the time to LBH's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She said “I love you....by the way.”. I didn’t know what to say, so I said “Thank you.”. She said she wasn’t saying it to get me to say it back.
Is this what is meant by a temp check?
Absolutely! Look at how well it almost worked. Good job at not saying it back.
Remember one the 37 rules being not to believe what she says? Well, telling you that she loves you, fall in that category. Just ignore and see it has her trying to manipulate you. Sad to say, but it happens all the time to LBH's.
I actually didn’t feel much. I think I am going through a numb stage, maybe with some anger. And some acceptance that the M is dead, and any recon would have to be a whole new relationship.
W is sick today so instead of going out and leaving her with the kids I spent the day with the kiddos.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Today she calls me into the bathroom to talk about NYE plans with the kids and gets exremely flirty while wearing only a towel. She jokes I should take off my pants and so I pretend to. Then she says enough, but when I stretch and crack my back she says to stop showing off how limber I am.
It is so hard not to read into this. I know if I fall for it and press for a recon, she’s gonna swing right back to a cold and resentful.
Not wearing my ring today.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Today she calls me into the bathroom to talk about NYE plans with the kids and gets exremely flirty while wearing only a towel. She jokes I should take off my pants and so I pretend to. Then she says enough, but when I stretch and crack my back she says to stop showing off how limber I am.
This was another temp check. Many, many stories have been told about WW's tempting their H by wearing skimpy clothes, or nothing at all. If he doesn't give her attention, she may start rubbing up against him or whatever, b/c it is a test to see if she still has him in the palm of her hand.
Quote:
Next time say - No, thanks. I'm good. And then walkout. Priceless moment.
This ^^^^^^^^^^^
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This was another temp check. Many, many stories have been told about WW's tempting their H by wearing skimpy clothes, or nothing at all. If he doesn't give her attention, she may start rubbing up against him or whatever, b/c it is a test to see if she still has him in the palm of her hand.
Is there no difference between WW and WAW in these situations? I'm still pretty sure there is no OM, but I wouldn't be the first person to be totally blindsided by finding out there is at least an EA if not a PA going on.
She's still very invested in the kids, and talking about how we will still be in each other's lives, going to holidays together at each other's family houses, how I will be welcome at her relatives, how we could even do vacations together, etc.
She seems to think we'll be as close to a normal family as possible, just not us living together. She had a childhood friend whose parents divorced, stayed within 'bike riding' distance, and always did holidays together until they married other people and it became impractical. That is her model for what a divorce will be like, I think.
I want what is going to be best for the kids, but I don't see this happening, at least not like she thinks. I don't think I will be able to do it, at all. Maybe just the four of us for birthdays/etc, but not the rest of it.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
She's still very invested in the kids, and talking about how we will still be in each other's lives, going to holidays together at each other's family houses, how I will be welcome at her relatives, how we could even do vacations together, etc.
She seems to think we'll be as close to a normal family as possible, just not us living together. She had a childhood friend whose parents divorced, stayed within 'bike riding' distance, and always did holidays together until they married other people and it became impractical. That is her model for what a divorce will be like, I think.
I want what is going to be best for the kids, but I don't see this happening, at least not like she thinks. I don't think I will be able to do it, at all. Maybe just the four of us for birthdays/etc, but not the rest of it.
I think they have very unrealistic views of what divorce will be like. If you read my thread, my W suggested we continue to live together in the same house. My W and probably yours too, seems to think a divorce will solve the problems but they will still be able to keep all the good things associated with the MR. Unfortunately, the reality of it probably doesn't set in until after they start to experience the results of the divorce.
Reminder though, don't correct her or try to make a point of telling her or showing her dramatically that isn't how it will be. Just validate and end conversations and keep moving forward. Let reality be her teacher, not you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
