Some of what you're talking about, like the feeling of being roommates, sounds normal even for a married couple with a few kids who didn't have major problems. Nevertheless, it's true that it will never be the same again. It's like you need to re-set your expectations and find solace in knowing that he still wanted you even after you both went through those dark times. And you still wanted him. The divorce didn't happen because you both saw something worth saving, right? You're keeping your family in-tact and you're giving your kids the best that you can - a home with their mom and dad. It seems like things may not be as great but they're not as bad as they could be. It seems you made the right choice to give it another shot. This might be the best it can be for now.
I also wish to know couples who overcame these situations. I feel like at some point there needs to be acceptance for each other not being as great as what you thought they once were. It's hard to forget all those bad memories. And hard to achieve moments where the love and attraction you had to each other previously is greater or better than before. A lot of how you feel probably depends on the level of effort your husband puts in to trying to fix things and make you feel better. Is he still offering extra reassurance like he was a few weeks ago?
I still have nightmares about my husband's affairs and then wake up and realize he's gone which is like an ongoing real nightmare. If he ever came back and wanted to fix things, how could I ever do it? The only way I feel would be to accept that the wonderful life we started building together is gone and what we'd rebuild may be something totally different, like just a practical life together where we play different roles to support each other. I doubt the love would ever be the same.
It seems like you need a little more time to see how it goes. I'm sure there are many others here who are not in the middle of a crisis who will have much better feedback. I hope there is still a chance of you and your husband recovering what you had before!
